He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

Hang on, you can’t have it noth ways, being a sahm is work. Then giving it oh but when a man does it it’s not work it’s parenting, he didn’t say he didn’t want to parent, he said he didn’t want to parent alone each evening when she worked. It’s fair. The kids out three days a week, can go into child care, then school she doesn’t need to be at home during the day, she just wants to be.

I'm not surprised he's annoyed, you are chosing to work very little and not using all your free hours and so are scraping by. Your child will be starting school soon you'd be far better she got used to going full time, she won't be able to sit at home with you once she's school age.

By the sounds of things your husband doesn't earn enough/doesnt want to facilitate this. I'd suggest you both do pt hours maybe 4 days each and your child does 3 full days in nursery. It'll get her used to doing full days at school, increase your income and also make things more equal with your husband.

I don't think you can afford not to work. You and dh might have agreed for you to stay at home but things have changed and your dh no longer agrees.

I'd be pissed off if I was working full time and there was nothing left at the end of a the month for a treat for me, when my partner could work and contribute financially and when dd could be eligible for 30hours childcare. Out of interest where do they assess just turned 4 year olds for ADHD?

People are saying I have all this free time during the week. I don’t. My Dd has only just started on three mornings per week, Dh never gets her up and ready, doesn’t do breakfasts, just has a leisurely coffee, gets himself ready and goes to work. If I worked it wouldn’t be like this, I know.

because he is going to work and you are the SAHM. What do you think should happen? because it sounds like you want him to do it all.

And for pp who say he doesn't want to parent when he comes home - sure, he doesn't want to parent alone because that is the only time OP wants to work, and it is a fair comment. It is exhausting, and if there were a way for OP to work during the day, then they would both be home together.

There is no evidence that the DH won't or doesn'T want to pick up the slack if they both work, and that is a separate conversation. Right now all I'm seeing is OP having a lovely time at home and begrudging her DH 2 days (paid) vacation to get some downtime.

Teach part time? 0.4 or 0.6? You'd still be home the majority of days in a year with your DD if you consider the holidays as well.
I can see why your DH would like you to make some financial contribution and you could do this with a 4 year old

OP offering to work SIX HOURS! be serious.

Did it ever occur to either of you that DH could have had a turn as SAHD while you earned a full time wage?

I didn’t want to hand my child over to someone else to earn a pittance and give her to someone else to look after, I had a cushion behind me-my money

Understandable, but you're not getting DH's perspective.
This is EXACTLY what is being asked of him in your current set-up. He hands his child to someone else, works for a pittance (amount not relevant - the relevance is the family income is struggling so he has nothing left over for himself, & that's clearly an issue for him. Just because you don't care, doesn't make it any easier for him). The only difference is HE has no cushion behind him.

Your updates are pretty ... insistent that your choices should be adhered to. Hence my remark upthread about DH's resentment. You appear to making unilateral choices - maybe he feels his only leverage is to play brinkmanship games about the childcare issue.

Cost out a plan, & ffs TALK TO HIM. Openly, & bloody well listen to him, don't just dictate what you want.
Show him what you could be earning in the evenings. The evenings are a doddle compared with daytime, with a 4 year old. She'll be asleep for most of it, & the rest is fun stuff - supper, bath, bedtime story.
If he refuses after that, you may as let him divorce you as PP suggested. He could take on 50% pf the parenting then. Leaving you free to resurrect your career.

You sound like my ex-wife.

That's why shes an ex-wife.

OP isn't being realistic.

I'm with you on this one. Your little one only goes a couple of hours over 3 days you're not going to make much money doing them hours. He either excepts that you need to work a few evenings a week / weekends or he needs to get a better paid job! Especially as your little one is struggling it wouldn't be fair on her to put her in more childcare at the moment.

YABVVVVVU

It is so much pressure to be the only earner in a family and I completely get where your partner is coming from.

It is also sad to see that you say your top priority is getting your daughter settled which I get, but you’ve not mentioned that another priority should be making sure your partner is okay and he is not under too much pressure.

But you just don’t want to work that much is evident! Every time someone has suggested you should just work you come up excuses why you can’t.

don't think she wants to resurrect her career. just wants to work six hours

I think a SAHM is fine if everyone is happy and it works. In this case your DH wants you to take some of the financial burden and I think YABU. Plenty of people do find part-time school hour jobs and your child is now 4 not 1.

I’m sure if you looked you could find something, part time supply teaching or admin support. Our secondary school is looking for exam invigilators for instance. The local uni is looking for student support workers to help take lecture notes etc.

The bit that gets me is you would prefer to not go back, but want him to work instead of two days off because there is a bill due.

It also reads like, I'm alright jack with the situation, I'm having all my needs met, if you aren't happy that's your fault.

Why does DH not want you to do extra tutoring on those days your child is in pre school?

also your child aged 4 should be in more than two sessions a week

also you managed to do the shopping and housework for four years when she was there before so why do you have to do those things when she’s at preschool?

I think it’s time you started earning again

Huh? They're entitled to 30 hours childcare. That's ample opportunity for OP to work during the day.

OP clearly doesn't want to work, not in any serious way, and is making excuse after excuse for why she can't possibly be expected to contribute.

It sounds as if you are really downplaying his struggle here. He’s working FT, and the bills are being unpaid, while you stay at home with a 4 yr old all week. You say that she’s struggling with preschool, but unless you are going to home school, then she has less than a year to get used to going into full time education.
You really need to get back into work - supply teaching should be a viable option of you, a few days a week at least. Put your DD into nursery for a couple of full days, she will be fine. Once she is in school, then you can increase your hours if you need to.
On a practical note, you really need to get back into teaching, because if anything happens to your relationship - and honestly, it WILL if he continues to feel that you are ”free loading” - then you will need to be earning, and to have a secure pension of your own.
Most people would love to stay at home with their children, dads as well as mums, but it rarely happens these days.
If you were working, then he could drop a few hours, or change jobs to something that pays a bit less but that he enjoys more.

OP isn't being realistic.

OP you need to stop being all about what you want (and incidentally, insulting all of those of us who handed our babies over to someone else while we earned a crust, so sod that) and think about what your family needs.

And what it needs, from what you've written, is more money. You are barely covering bills. So.
You both have to sit down and work out what you need and what you have
You could tutor in the evening 3 nights a week, and your DH will have to suck it up. It is hard work, but it is not forever. How would that fly?

Or you could get a 20 hour job and get some of the free hours (not sure exactly how that works, i had to pay through the nose for ALL my hours)? Or you could both work part time, on different days? Or he and you could work 3 days where only one day you both work and your DD goes to nursery?

What won't fly is you wanting to have all the nice times with your DD and he gets to do 2 jobs (which is where some of your posts seemed to be headed).

Most people don't LOVE to put their DCs in nursery and work long hours at soul sucking jobs, but that is how bills are paid. So instead of you laying down the groundrules to your DH about what you are prepared to do and what he must do: have a proper, grown up conversation about it.

Maybe he'd like a year or two as a SAHP and you can earn all the lovely dosh.

I see it from both sides tbh.
I can understand he doesn't like the stress of being the sole earner.

Yes you'd like to be off with your DD but frankly that's a luxury and if your DH isn't on board with it then things might need to change. I had to put my ND child in childcare where he screamed and cried every day. That was only two days a week. But we needed the income.

You have to have a major chat about the impact you getting a job will have and divide the responsibilities around the house and your DD before you get one.

Don't just make vague comments about how he'll need to do more. Get specific. Write it down. Get agreement on what you'll both do and when. And how you'll do it - if you have an ND child you can't have him shouting at her aggressively to get ready.

I'd also revisit the babysitting idea. Round here babysitters charge up to £12 per hour

Will he really not ever put his own child to bed? That's a whole other issue.

I think your husband is wrong tbh, lots of couples have to basically work opposite shifts, he's refusing to parent his own kid by the sounds of it. Can he not cope with her challenging behaviour?

I can see his point. I would hate the pressure of being the only person bringing money in, even if we weren't just scraping by. Add in falling behind with bills and I'd be at breaking point.

But you also need to talk about the division of labour at home. Lay out the fact that the choice is he does more to help in the mornings and evenings so you can work during the day or you don't work in the day.

There's surely a half way house between 3 mornings a week in nursery and 30 hours a week? If you put your DC into nursery for (say) 2 or 3 days week it would be much more possible for you to find a job that fit.

If your daughter can't cope with any more hours, how is she going to manage school next year? Surely it would be a good idea to gradually build up her hours anyway?

I don't think OP has actually said that her OH won't pick up a share of the housework or childcare if she goes back to work during the day, has she? She's only said she does it all know, which isn't that odd for a SAHM of a 4 year old.
He's only (reasonably IMO) said that he doesn't want to work all day and then look after his child all night, while OP does have childfree time to herself in the day.

This couple don't have to though. OP could work during the day, she just doesn't want to and it's breeding resentment.

This^^
I can't believe how many of you are jumping on the OP and missing the facts, which are:

The OP's DD is only there a few mornings a week from 9.30-11.30. The OP would have to return from dropping her off, depending where it is could be 15 more minutes. She probably then has to set off at least 15 minutes early to go get her. So actual time she has more like 90 minutes tops.

She says that she uses that time for shopping, all cleaning jobs etc that are hard to do with DD around.

She explains that DD is being assessed for additional needs. That she's struggling with the small sessions in preschool (as a result of the additional needs) AS IT IS. She may not cope with suddenly upping to full days.

She also explains she's a teacher by trade - at which point people say oh but could you do supply or 2 full days a week? When I worked PT as a reception teacher after my DC1 was born, I was in school from 8 while 5pm so my baby was the first to be dropped in the day nursery at 7.30 and the last to be collected at 6. I think some of you are acting like going back into teaching is simple! I also had lots of work to do evenings and weekends. On supply, you need to be available from 7.30 to get a chance at work and all the work had to be marked before I left. It was impossible for me without reliable childcare.

Finally, she's not against working but she's happy to work evenings and weekends tutoring which would be perfect and flexible. Her child's father is the one that's unwilling to take on the childcare of his own child while she's out. But he expects her to do it all AND THEN GO TO WORK DURING THE ONLY CHILD FREE TIME SHE HAS - LIKE LESS THAN 6 HOURS PER WEEK? Where's her free time?

OP, from the mum of 2 neurodivergent DC, YANBU 🙂. Your idea sounds fine to me.

YANBU at all.

You have offered practical solutions to making some money for the family, which would take the burden of providing everything away from him.

He doesn't want you to do that but doesn't have any answers. Surely he wants to spend some time with his daughter in the evenings? How hard can looking after a four year old between 5.30/6pm and their bed time? It's just dinner, bath, story and bed.

He isn't offering any solutions. You're not wrong to want to support your daughter, especially if she has SEN. He needs to stop moaning and support you to find a solution - not blame you because he is oh so stressed by a 9-5.