He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

As a single parent these are not good enough reasons at all. You are your own person so go back to work it's your choice.

You could do a night job twice a week (I did this with my own Son as a single parent) you could do a cleaning job early mornings.

You cannot afford to stay at home. Or teach part time? Lots of part time teachers at DS school!

This!

Finally, she's not against working but she's happy to work evenings and weekends tutoring which would be perfect and flexible. Her child's father is the one that's unwilling to take on the childcare of his own child while she's out. But he expects her to do it all AND THEN GO TO WORK DURING THE ONLY CHILD FREE TIME SHE HAS - LIKE LESS THAN 6 HOURS PER WEEK? Where's her free time?

HER free time would then be while the child is in school - which will be 9-3, 5 days a week, in the very near future.

I honestly think some people are happy to take on the role of the main earner and some just aren’t. My partner has never had one moan about it and now I work PT he is happy for me to keep my money for myself. However my best friend is in a similar situation to you where her DH just won’t have it even though he’s a high earner, the expectation is that she works and her money goes into the joint back account.

Obviously I’m grateful DP is completely chill but I can see both sides. My partner also would be bloody miserable if he had to pick up the load around me working at the weekends or evenings. So I can understand his reluctance.

will things change when your daughter starts school? The obvious answer is to pick up a TA position but I don’t know if that would be enough money?

He wants her to work normal daytime hours so that they have their evenings. The vast majority of couples I know do this. The child is four, she doesn't need to be at home during the day.

Get a job and leave him. He's a lazy entitled pig. But also you can't afford this lifestyle.

At least that will be one less person to clean after and he'll have to take her off your hands once in a while so you get a break.

Sounds like he doesn’t want you working evenings and weekends because then he would have to pick up the slack and look after HIS daughter.
Have you asked him how he thinks it would work you working full time and doing all the household chores as he obviously isn’t willing to do that?

Again, it sounds like there are many issues here. And the emotional issues are very important.

Your work as a caregiver to your daughter is of tremendous value. I know our society doesn't place enough value on this work, but I hope you can recognise it yourself, and that your husband can too. I can see why you feel upset about this not being valued, and it's really important that your H understand this.

At the same time, as stated before ... if you're falling behind on paying bills, your family doesn't have enough money. Having a SAHM parent is a luxury in this situation. And that's a huge amount of pressure on the one person currently earning. Can you see your H's point of view and understand that he may feel a lot of fear and shame about not being able to do it all himself? Maybe it's not just that he doesn't value your domestic labour (though of course he should) but could also be that he's really worried about the financial safety of your family?

Could the two of you have an open conversation about the difficult emotions underlying this, while reassuring each other that you do in fact want to find a solution? And then try to reach a compromise? PP have mentioned you could do tutoring for SOME evening and weekend time ... have you suggested that?

I have seen this a few times in real life, SAHM has a husband who demands she goes back to work whilst not changing anything about their own life, no pick ups, no drop offs, no wanting to share the domestic chores of running a household, some of them even dictated school hours only. Basically do everything you are doing now and earn money too without having any impact on my life as it stands.

I think the only way you are going to be able to hash this out is to write it down, show him the hours you could work in the daytime, what time you will leave and return, how much any additional childcare would cost if you put your DD in full time or use the free preschool hours and work part time. Then ask him what days he will finish early to collect DD from preschool assuming it closes at 3pm? What days is he going to drop her off? How you will share holidays as preschools attached to schools have 13 weeks holiday a year. Who will be making dinner and on what nights. Divide down the household chores, who is cleaning the bathroom etc.

He is parent, if he was a single parent how would he cope with work and needing to leave in the middle of the day if his child is sick? When a parent is a sahm then it isn't work on MN just you being out of work, eating bon bons sitting on a sofa flicking through a magazine all day.

If you feel like this

Why did you marry him and have a child with him? Most of these characteristics would of been known

@RudsyFarmer I think your friends DH is absolutely right why should he have the responsibility of your friend? As a higher earner I think it's only fair he pays more don't get me wrong. However I don't think people should take advantage of someone though it's a matter of principle. Kids are expensive and once kids are getting to school age there's no excuse!

OP wants to stay at home to do the house work and childcare? There's the option already for her to have 30 hrs free in the week to work/relax but she chooses not to.
Some posters will choose her side no matter what purely because she's female!

I’m sorry but him working 9-5, 5 days a week and never having to lift a finger around the house or do any of the childcare doesn’t sound like ‘slogging away’ or ‘working his arse off’ to me. For many of us who work, parent, and do the housework that would be a walk in the park
It sounds like he wants all of the benefits of OP not working but also the financial benefit of her working. If he’s not even prepared to look after his own child for a few hours a week whilst she takes on some work, then would he really cope with having to pull his weight around the house and with the childcare if the OP went back full time? She clearly feels she will just be pushed into doing it all, and given that she lives with him and knows what he is like she is probably right. It’s not like OP is lounging around all day if she has her child who has ASN and all the household chores to do, and then is willing to go out to work in the evenings.

Personally OP I would see if you can get your little one in 2 days a week and do those as supply to see how things go in the short term, it might help build her up for going to school full time and for you going back to work as well. However it depends I suppose on how much tutoring you can do and what you can charge as to what would be the best option.

You’ve got a job lots of parents dream of. When a job at our school came in in school hours over 1500 women went for it!

my friend is a tutor and she only works 2-3 days a week and makes good money. She home educated too and her husband works full time so it can be done.

I’m an escapee teacher too, also left during maternity leave. I started up a little business with an online shop so I can do that any hours I want. What about doing something like that on your own? I’ve found it a million times more enjoyable and less stressful than being in a classroom and make the same money

Wow. Just wow.

The only person working a full time job and bringing cash into the house is a lazy entitled pig? Where the only child in the family is already 4, doesn't need round the clock care and could easily be put in childcare for up to 30h per week?

Do you hear yourself? Stop spewing vitriol at the husband simply because he's the man.

Absolutely fucking ridiculous the lot of you! 🙄

I'd go ahead with your evening and weekend work, to alleviate the financial burden on him. Of course he is expected to look after DD during those times; just as you do, when he's at work. He's being horribly sexist - you looking after DD is the natural order of things and not pulling your weight; but him doing it is a whole second job on top of his paid one? Fuck that.

How well has he adjusted to the responsibilities of fatherhood generally?

If someone else hasn’t already said it, join exit the classroom and thrive Facebook group! Great advice on there

I will then end up doing all
her pre school drop offs and pick ups, because Dh won’t possibly be able to get to work later etc…but my job won’t matter. Any time she’s ill, it will be me that has to leave my job or stay off work to be with her, as he can never leave his job and hasn’t had to. It will be me then picking her up and doing every single thing the same as I do now…making dinner, cooking, cleaning etc..for what? So he can buy himself some boys toys
It’s shit and no matter which way it ends up, I end up doing more and never having my job taken properly or being able to make as much as him or as much as I used to anymore..,all at the risk of Dd not being as happy

Has he actually told you this is what he expects or have you made some massive assumptions?

This is terrible advice.

There is an underlying tone of condescension towards your husband OP which if it is as apparent in real life as it is here, is a problem. You position yourself as the loving, caring, self sacrificing parent and make sweeping statements around not caring about what you have, do etc as long as your child wants for nothing. Good for you for being a saint but most people are not like that and want the odd treat and certainly don't want to have to worry about bills when they're working full time while their partners wafts around having a lovely time with one 4 year old child. Seems you see yourself as a better person and parent all round. That would kind of rankle with me if I was married to you..

The child is ND, every child’s needs are different, and it doesn’t matter if a stranger things she ‘doesn’t need to be at home.’ On top of that, he has said he would find it unfair to have to work then care for his child. How would that work if he and op were both working during the day? Who would watch the child and take care of household tasks after work, as it’s unfair to care for your child if you work?

I, I, I, I, I

Whilst I am not without sympathy for your situation, hell's teeth! Your posts make you sound utterly self-centred and selfish.

"I didn’t want to hand my child over"
"I made that choice to stay at home"
"I couldn’t/didn’t want to work full time teaching"
"I had a cushion behind me-my money"

And that's just from this one quoted post. We also have
"After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd"
"I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now "
"I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day"

"none of it has been valued or appreciated"?

Perhaps, if you truly made decisions jointly with your husband, he would value you and appreciate you a little more.

I can see his point tbh. Your dds possible additional needs are neither here nor there really. If she's 4, she'll be in full time school before too long. Surely, if she's got additional challenges, getting her more used to longer hours now would be good for her?
Have you thought about supply teaching? The schools round me are crying out for them.

Your posts are all very "I want, I feel, I think."

Obviously you've done the vast majority of parenting! You're the stay at home parent! That's a fair exchange!