He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

He needs to take on the childcare burden but i can see his complaint with her working in the evenings and still being off while dd is childcare provision but all his evenings out of work will be doing childcare.

why not find a balance so it alternates so he gets some evenings free also.
But also OP need to just force it, he can't say he is not looking after his child. just get the job and leave DD at home with DH.

Its ridiculous getting into a back a forth , watch your bloody child!!

We have no family nearby, I do everything with/for Dd
I didn’t just decide to stop working when Dd was born, I was offered redundancy (along with a few others) after maternity. I left on good terms and knew I couldn’t/didn’t want to work full time teaching with Dd. I had a good redundancy after years and years of full time work, plus I did actually tutor a little when she was young. I remember being with a newborn all day and then heading out to work for a couple of hours at 6pm then up all night nursing her alone, all
to bring in a measly bit extra
I didn’t want to hand my child over to someone else to earn a pittance and give her to someone else to look after, I had a cushion behind me-my money and after years of working and infertility, I made that choice to stay at home with Dd. It hasn’t been a walk in the park, it’s been bloody hard work, Dd is an intense child, I’m forever grateful I got to stay with her but it’s been amongst the hardest days in some ways but it’s been the best for her. It feels none of it has been valued or appreciated and now the blame has been put on me, the only way I can be respected it seems, is to work and bring in money, even at the expense of Dd
I’m almost there now, with hopefully some support in education when she’s full time in September, she’ll be ok and I can step back from her a little..,then I’ll be able to work whatever hours he wants me to to bring money in

Your Dd is 4 so you’re entitled to 30 free hours of childcare. This means you can get a full-time job and pay for the extra 7 hours or so, or have a part-time job whilst she’s at nursery or at a club. I’m pregnant and I’m worried about the extortionate price for childcare for under 3s.

I think the thing is that it’s fairly unusual for a man to be taking on all household and childcare work with no help, and very unusual for a woman to be refusing to care for her child while the man tries to work at weekends/evenings.

Your other option is to do childcare - register as a childminder or nanny. Then mind a child alongside dd.

As a qualified and experienced teacher, could you not dip your toe back into employment through some supply work? You could ask DH to take some leave on the days your DD is in childcare to test how it works. If you go back on a permanent part time basis you only need to earn just under 2k per quarter to qualify for the free 30 hours childcare until she starts primary school. Even if you only worked two days pw, it would give your family income a substantial boost and your DD would be with her parents 5 days out of 7.

Are posters not reading this properly.

You only have 2x3 hrs free in the week - the rest are with DD.
You want to work those 6 hours if you can, if not you will work when DH gets home.
DH is insisting you work to same hours as him and put DD into full time childcare. He wants this because he doesn’t want to go to work and come home to look after his child.
You would be doing the exact thing in reverse (looking after your child, then going to work). OP thinks you are entitled doing that and DH needs his downtime.

If you do go to work in office hours, you would have to do all school runs. I presume you would be responsible for caring for your child in evenings too as DH doesn’t want to do it?

I really don’t see how you are unreasonable in this at all. Your way has both you and DH doing equal childcare around work, you’ll be able to bring in decent money and you’ll save money on childcare by having a parent available most of the time. It’s a no brainier.

DH needs to grow up and parent his child.

I am with your husband. Why should you get to check out of adulting for 4 YEARS while he brings home the bacon?

YABU not to work when you're in a financially precarious position (which it sounds like you are).

HIBU not to do his share of chores and parenting his own child when he is not at work.

In your position, I would start from the perspective of earning enough as a family comfortably to cover the bills, be able to afford some treats and save a little each month. I think that's the minimum you should be aiming for, if you can. How much will you have to work to achieve that, taking into account the cost of childcare (on top of your DD's funded hours)? 2/3 days a week? Tbh that seems reasonable. It would also be reasonable for your H to take on more childcare (including drop offs and pick ups) and stuff at home. I would put that to him as the trade-off for you going back to work.

Yes exactly this...you know other than the fact the DD is actually in nursery when the OP is 'looking after her' and the OP also refuses to put her in nursery for the full 30 hours

So the wohp should take on 2 jobs while the other is at home even though the child will be in school?! 😆

Only read the first page of replies but he is not unreasonable to think that you should go back to work but he is very unreasonable to think that he shouldn't be looking after dd so you can work. If you return to work he has to do more at home.

Op: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes go back to work
OP: OK but not for TEN MONTHS

???????

OP do you have any kind of a business plan for getting into Tutoring? I mean even a mental checklist of what you can charge per hour in your area, where you would find clients, what hours you could work?

Because the PP who observed that you have made a lot of assumptions about DH may be right. If you are able to present DH with a detialed plan of how you will get started, & then increase your workload as DD settles into nursert/school over the next year, would that help him get past his grumpiness & resentment?

Because that could be what's prompting his kneejerk & immature "snot fair!" response. And frankly - it's NOT fair for him to be the sole earning spouse, while the family struggles to pay bills on time. Neither is it fair for him to manipulate you with threats to not look after DD on the evenings. You need to threash that out - & the only way you can do that is by amassing information, & presenting him with a detailed & costed plan.

What world are you living in?

Why tf should the husband take a second job? She’s been off work for FOUR YEARS - I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to now be asking her to return to work to help with the bills, especially considering the economy/cost of living has risen substantially since she first went on maternity leave.

He’s made it clear that he’s now feeling the strain, and I suspect if she doesn’t return to work (even on a part time basis), this will only serve to breed resentment in the relationship.

I agree.

I always find that women are told on here they should think about the type of man they are committing to before they marry/have a child etc. This is absolutely true too but I think more men need to think about the women they are marrying. I've seen a fair few posts her recently where the woman in the relationship has unilaterally decided work isn't for her and she should be fully supported by the husband whilst she stays home, despite the fact the kids are in school. I can see why divorce rates are so high. It's like these women just go through life looking for a meal ticket.

Get a job.

If you get 30 hours free childcare then use it! We got no free hours, I chose to work because I knew that surviving on 1 salary would be just that. In addition, as I worked in local government I paid into a pension. As I said above both our kids have issues, we did it because we had to, it wasn't a walk in the park , but if you are struggling to pay bills then you need to do something. We don't always get the life we would prefer, goodness knows my own hasn't been easy, it's been full of challenges ,and still is in many respects, but you just have to cope with what happens and carry on.

If you’re falling behind with bills then things are very tight. It’s also asking a lot for one person to shoulder all the financial responsibilities alone.

I am a teacher. I don’t want to work, but I have to because we need the money. It sounds like you do as well.

You talk about not wanting to do full time teaching so you’re at home, but those are not the only two options. You could work part time, you could job share, you could do supply teaching. It’s not fair that your DH is clearly struggling being the only one earning.

If he wants you to go to work and bring money in then he can look after your daughter while you do it. How is it unfair for him to work all day and then come home and look after his child...? You look after her all day and are offering to work evenings which would basically be the same thing but the opposite way around.

So essentially what he's saying is that he doesn't want to parent his child?

He wants you to work and also do the parenting when you're not working at your hypothetical/ future job?

What parenting does he do at the moment?
What input does he have in decisions to have DD assessed for ADHD?
What does he do around the house and garden?

Op just own it. You don’t want to work. I can understand why your husband is annoyed, you are struggling and it’s not going to get better and you know full well working evenings isnt the answer.

you’ve had four years off. Be grateful for it. That’s a long time. Now get a job. You don’t need to be at home any more.

This needs to be a discussion and there needs to be compromise. Neither of you should be allowed to dictate that things have to happen one particular way. There are pros and cons to you working full-time. There are pros and cons to you working evenings and weekends. You need to sit down and discuss what both scenarios would really look like for everyone in your family. Look at the money gained and the costs in child care. Look at the stresses on each of you under every scenario including your husband covering sick days and child care runs. Look at the improvements on stresses, because things like you having a steady paycheck instead of a gig income will relieve a burden from your husband.

When you have a real discussion, do not complain about your husband taking 2 days of leave. That is ridiculous. The man is not a machine.

@NoNamesLeft234678
Exactly! Well put.

Not rtft but there are lots of SEN DC that are home tutored, often remotely, under the EOTAS scheme. The hours you could offer in the day would very likely fit. I'd see what ìs available in that area.