He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I hate comments that say things like ‘we don’t know the child has sen/is ND as they’re only being assessed’.

As a parent of a ND child who masks and took until the age of 11 to be diagnosed and who was in the system from the age of about 4, it’s the worst thing not being believed. A referral doesn’t get accepted for assessment if there’s any doubt!! Many people have to fight just to get the referral accepted. Then spend years proving they’re not a parent with munchausens by proxy! There are also some families that choose not to get an official assessment and diagnosis but still know their child is ND. Even when assessment is concluded that they won’t diagnose, doesn’t mean they aren’t ND also. Sometimes they haven’t caught the right observations on the right days in the right places to get the diagnosis confirmed. By they can go back through the system again at another point in time when they have collected evidence and examples and when the right professionals are brought on board!! So please stop judging parents who think their child may be ND.

I completely get it. Our son has adhd too, he's 10 now so I promise it gets less intense, but at that age, before diagnosis, we were all walking on eggshells ALL.THE.TIME! It was so hard on us as a family, our eldest (8 year age gap) actually said he was suicidal because the atmosphere was so intense in our home. Me and DH worked alternative days, him FT and me PT (squeezing 3 work days into 2) just so we didn't have to put him and his younger brother by then into childcare. We felt very strongly that we didn't want to have children to then have someone else raise them. We were like passing ships for a few years but when he, then his brother started school things got easier. He was diagnosed really early on at 4 years of age. This is practically unheard of, be prepared with as much evidence as you can get from all of the clubs she attends, from any professionals she has spent time with, anyone who can write reports on her behaviour and needs, get it all ready. Ask your gp for referral now, it's a really long wait. When our son was diagnosed there wasn't any big change in the level of support her received at school. I don't want you to be under the impression that there will be, so by starting to transition your daughter to FT education now you're doing the best thing to help with settling in later. The difference for us was when he started medication at 5. It was like a switch had been flicked and he started making progress in school, the meltdowns were easier to manage (partly education for DH and me after learning lots on ADHD after diagnosis). I'd highly recommend you try it, it may take some time to find the right med and dose but persevere. I truly believe its because of this early intervention our son doesn't have a learning need now. He's very bright and not behind at all in school, in fact he's ahead in many aspects. Life is still challenging but a lot less than pre 5 years old! Hang in there Mama, you're doing a great job. Your DH means well I'm sure and just wants a better standard of living for you all, it may be that he's not experiencing the full challenge because he is in work all day. I get it, but he needs to too. Can you have a weekend away so all childcare falls to him? That way he will get a truer understanding of what you manage on the daily. Then you can have the conversation about him being a little more patient because in September she will be in full time school and you can walk straight into supply work as schools are desperate for staff right now. You can dictate your hours, you can tell them you can do 9-2.30 and they will still bite your hand off! Keep going, you're doing great, you just need to open those lines of communication with your DH so he understands more xx

You are NOT being unreasonable. You have worked hard and have contributed a huge amount to your current level of financial stability. You wish to be with your daughter. Raising a child is work. Don't listen to work obsessed mothers who will shame you for wanting to be with your daughter. She will start school soon so cherish the time you have with her. Your husband is being selfish.

Why can’t he watch your Dd a few evenings a week?

@JollyOldStNicholas Your post made me cry, it’s been one of those days, thank you x

That’s simply not the case. OP has not financially contributed,her dh is sole earner. OP has financially contributed nada,nowt. She spends though, and isn’t inclined to seek work. Do not equate parenting to paid employment, it is incomparable. OP can parent to her own standard and schedule, her employed DH has to work to an external set of standards and at employer pace. It’s a huge burden to be sole wage earner. Time for op to step up and contribute

Ahahahahahahaha

For one - what financial security has she contributed to? Bills not getting paid is the opposite of security. She is choosing to keep the family living paycheck to paycheck and presumably one emergency expense away from going into debt

And second - work obsessed mothers? Because there's nothing in between working zero hours and working 12h a day? Really?

Don't be ridiculous 🙄

The OP just slated her WORKING partner for having a day off despite them "being desperate for money for Christmas" yet isn't willing to work on the days her child goes to childcare? She needs to get herself to work those days then her husband can go part time too, all's fair then eh?

He doesn't want you do do tutoring because he doesn't want to care for your child after working all day but presumably expects you to do exactly that if you go back to work?
In your situation tutoring makes sense, maybe something online might work? Or you might be able to find some work during the day while she's at present with homeschooled children.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

I frankly give up on some of the morons who get off on their opinionated high horses without even reading what you've written. Just read the stuff that is supportive, there is no place for slagging off someone who has come with a genuine concern. Some people are just nasty and weasley and get their kicks from spouting their vitriol anonymously in a way they'd be too cowardly to do if they were face to face

Aww don't cry, don't listen to half the commenters here either who clearly haven't bothered reading the full thread. Those with no experience of what you're going through with your little one can never truly understand. It's really bloody hard but you're doing your best. Chin up!

My thoughts exactly. It’s clear that he expects her to work and still carry the whole domestic burden and the mental load.

Agreed

And op expects to spend and have experiences and make memories without contributing financially. Expecting her dp to shoulder all financial responsibility. Whilst she wafts and has super days. Her responsibilities are to the family unit,all 3 of them not just her and daughter. I appreciate there is diagnostic uncertainty but that is not a reason to not work. The parenting style isn’t particularly allowing her dp to be involved , as op is over it all and thinks his parenting technique is is inadequate. It will certainly not develop if she doesn’t let her dp in and parent collaboratively.

Sign me up! Thats fab money.

So actually OP could potentially work 10 hours a week for 40 weeks of the year and earn 16k a year for the household

Surely to goodness thats a no brainer!?

You should work. You should not expect your partner to work around you. Four is well beyond when most people looking after kids get back to work.

How dare you try to shame another mother for caring for her own child, Beachloveramy!!!

Yes, this.

I can understand you feel you need to be there for dd, so why not do child minding, its very good money, and your home with DD,

It is work… but OP doesn’t get a day or evening off!! When she tutors she comes home to the child and cares for him. Why shouldn’t a father look after his child? How very sexist of you

There are a lot of work obsessed ahems on here who firmly and utterly believe that the work of being a mother amounts to nothing and that your worth as a human being is measured by the money you bring in. You have a very young daughter who is experiencing some issues. Sorting out those issues, plus looking after her, running the house and supporting your partner IS working full time. Simply don't listen to them. If your husband truly loves you he will understand that what you are doing is valuable. If he doesn't see that then he is insensitive and perhaps some soul searching is required. It may be worth pointing out that once you're back at work his load will increase markedly unless he's expecting you to work full time AND do everything else.

Follow your instincts, not the angry mothers on mumsnet.

She's been working their whole married life, often earning more than her husband. You're an angry nutjob.

I mean, wow again. Sorry OP I’m with you but also can’t quite believe, as usual, a bunch of mums find it difficult to understand that a mum wants to look after her own child. She’ll be at school soon, if you’re getting by, he has to suck it up for a bit longer. And then you can work effectively and with some time to offer to a prospective workplace.

When Dd goes to school you will need school holidays off at same time, unless you pay for child care. I think private tutoring is perfectly reasonable, my daughter does this herself for an hour or two at the weekend in addition to full time teaching. If by private tutoring you mean going to people's homes, surely he can look after daughter for an hour in the early evening, or a couple of hours on a weekend morning.

🤣🤣

Nice spoof.