He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

And if you really think he'll do all the housework, all the admin and all the childcare, as the OP currently does you're in cloud cuckoo land. As well as the fact it wouldn't help their finances.

Blimey I just cannot even conceive of a situation where a woman would refuse to look after their own child, whether she was working or not.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts it sounds like life revolves around your DD and your DH kind of left to put up with it. Do you ever do nice things as a family? It’s not ok for him to want the odd nice thing or pay a bill on time but it’s fine for you as long as you and DD are ok?

I know, I have a child with ADHD. I was called away from work a lot when she was very little because she had so many stomach problems from anxiety of being thrust into an environment she wasn't ready for for that amount of time. I was a single parent, so didn't have a choice, but if I had had a choice it would have been better all round because if I could have been there for her more when she was that young. If it was a child with a physical disability people wouldn't be giving the same response as they are here, which is just wrong.

You know people cook and clean when they have children and a job right?

He doesn't want to work 9-5 then come home and parent his own child in the evenings and at weekends so his wife can earn money and contribute to the family pot

Yet it's okay for the OP to be expected to care all day for her child and do all the housework/laundry/cooking/wife work 6-5 and then work evenings and weekends to earn money to contribute to the family pot?

Her DH certainly has double standards.

And if they used paid childcare and OP worked full time I'd put money on the OP's husband still expecting her to do everything alone when she's not at work.

Her DD isn't ok though. As a father that should be his first priority too.

And if they used paid childcare and OP worked full time I'd put money on the OP's husband still expecting her to do everything alone when she's not at work.

They'll get 30 hours FOR FREE! And 20% off anything on top of it.

You are not being unreasonable OP. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it. If a happy family at home is “nothing to show for” then he’s extremely short sighted. I would start by suggesting that maybe he needs to work harder to get a better job see how he likes it

I think you’re being completely reasonable. And he isn’t! You’re doing all the housework and the cooking. I’m guessing that you’ve arranged your DDs childcare and her adhd assessment. You’re totally putting your daughter first and have established a way that you can effectively work two jobs! SAHM & tutor babysitter but he wants all his free time to be free …. He wants it all his way.

It's actually only 22 hours per week. 30 hours is if you only use the hours in term time.

But yes the can be used either for nursery or a nanny if she needs 1:1, of a combination. I'm not sure why OP thinks she can only work evenings when a nanny could help in the afternoons after her DD's mornings at nursery freeing up 3 full days per week for her to tutor (which according to this thread would earn her plenty to make a nanny worthwhile especially with the funded hours and TFC).

It wouldn't matter if they get 30 hours free childcare the OP would still end up doing all the parenting and housework/shopping/cooking/cleaning etc if she worked full time.

She's already stated she does it all already with no contribution from her DH.Men like that don't suddenly go from 0% to 50% when their partners go back to work full time.

Honestly SAHM's get crucified on here.It's ridiculous.

Similar situation, worked and studied since age of 16, teacher full time for 20 years then dd at age 42. Things changed, a lot! I was main breadwinner, dh was close but has since gone on to earn more than I would. Due to his special needs I had to give up my job, do supply and took on extra work in care and tutoring to fit around dh work and school hours. Yes you can indeed work but sounds like your dh is BU about when you do it, which of course has to evenings and weekends, albeit tutor during day. It is very doable and helps so much financially. Is he able to help out with school runs? That means you can go to work early etc. Xx

Sorry OP but you’re making a lot of excuses. It sounds to me like, deep down, you actually don’t want to work. Your partner has expressed that he is struggling, albeit not in the most helpful way, it sounds like it’s your turn to step up.

I went through this with my DH, his anger was his worry coming out, after we spoke about it, he was really concerned financially and the stress was getting to him.

I ended up going full time nights and DC went to mornings to childcare so I could sleep for a few hours.

Been working nights since, I'm there during the day and don't miss any school appointments, my DC don't even notice I'm not here because I leave after they sleep and home before they wake up.

It's hard, but it was a needs must scenario, and it's not forever it just worked for us and my DC (who also has lots of medical appointments)

Loads of people work shifts, this is all it is. You are choosing work to fit in with your daughters needs. It won't be every evening / all weekend but its lucrative and valid work. You obviously have the skills to support your daughter. Your husband sadly is being unsupportive.

I’m with you. Your husband is being unreasonable. Working 9-5 Monday to Friday and doing nothing around the house and not wanting to look after his own child so you can work is totally ridiculous. He needs a wake up call for sure!

You are being being unreasonable. Your husband is not happy funding your lifestyle choice and he's expressed that. Marriage requires two people to make compromises for each other, not just one. It's a fast track way to the end of a relationship to not consider the others needs.

Your child is four and is entitled to free full time hours if you are both working so childcare or cost isn't a valid excuse. Id love to be at home with my children but why should my husband have to sacrifice everything for that luxury? I'm sure if it was the man refusing to work people would be shouting cock lodger.

A lot of people on here are assuming that 30 free hours really is as labelled. It's 22 hours (30 a week term time only) and for us, more like 13 because it only covers just over half the actual hourly rate of the Nursery. Maybe because we're in London?

You need to get your arse back to work love. Poor husband working all day. The kid is 4, not exactly a new born

Sorry, posted too soon.

The point I wanted to make is that I'm a SAHM who has taken on some home evening work. The hourly rate is pretty high. I'm not working in the daytime because I didn't have a specific job to return to (was always a freelancer) and by the time I've paid nursery for both a baby and 3-year-old, I'd need to earn a decent salary just to break even. 10-15 hours evening work, with no extra childcare costs, is as lucrative as full time work would be.

If OP's strong preference is for looking after her daughter during the day, and she is able to do flexible work at a good hourly rate, which it sounds like she is, evening and weekend work makes perfect sense. It seems like some posters just resent and despise that she has that option.

I'd be very concerned that DH is not interested in parenting his child. Even for a few hours when it would improve the family's financial situation. Will DC not sense DH not wanting to spend time with her?

Due to way tax works you’ll also be able to keep most of your earnings if you are only working a few hours. It can be a lot more lucrative than you think. I did 12 hours at one point and remember being surprised how much I took home.

I think you need to research all the options, look at pros and cons and what will need to change for each one, sit down with DH and discuss them. I.e. tutoring during the day with the help of a nanny for DD, part time job with her in nursery for more hours, tutoring evenings and weekends with him doing childcare. What time does she go to bed? Some children with SN are hard to get to bed, is this why he would be reluctant to look after her in the evening ? Or does he just want all spare time to himself?
Make it clear with all options housework needs to be shared.
I understand why he wants you to work, it's not okay that you get behind with bills , providing financial stability is also part of parenting. I second you should apply for DLA now, although it does take a few months for claims to be assessed so won't be an instant financial help.

So you would be pissed off that your partner, who is doing all the housework, shopping, child care....is offering to work hours that suit, because it means her husband is home and can in effect parent his child.....but thats not good enough? husband gets to decide when she works and that it wont impact his time off? really? ....so he gets to dictate everything? Strange world you live in.

It doesn't make any sense, if you desperately need the money then do it any way?

Why are you letting him dictate wether you make a living or not? If you can find this illusive 2 hr wrk between 9.30-11.30 just get on with it