He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

In our house I work full time hours, normal office hours and DH works 4 hours in the evening Monday to Friday. DH takes care of the children in the day, one at home and one in nursery 30hrs a week term time. I still get a bit of time to myself as the children are asleep while DH is working. Though I use a lot of the evening to catch up on house work, food prep, lunch boxes, life admin and sometimes odd bit of unpaid report writing/admin at work if I'm falling behind. It's not the most ideal situation but we do get our weekends together. I'm conscious of ensuring that DH gets time to himself so I do a compressed 9 day fortnight meaning that I largely take over all child care for my compressed day off. It's all about finding a compromise. The upshot is that my salary pays all our bills and food shopping, and DH covers unexpected costs and treats.

But she could do it! There’s nothing stopping her apart from him saying he won’t like it. So bloody what?

He’s not exactly going to refuse to have his own child, that he lives with, in the evening is he? It’s ridiculous - this whole “he won’t let her nonsense. It’s complete BS and a total red herring.

I'm an ex teacher I used to work for one of the well know educational publishers (one that sounds like a star) flexi from home 20hrs a week. You could do something like that. I agree I think hes asked the wrong way but wants help.

Yes why isn't OP standing up for herself? Because she doesn't really want to go to work. Her child is 4 FFS and you and a lot of others on MN are TONE deaf as to what privilege IS.

Just because you may not be feeling the pinch of the rising gas and electric recently many many are. BILLS must be paid.

Not everyone can afford to be a SAHM.

It sounds like both of you have stress and frustration boiling over. I think sitting together and getting everything down on paper could help. What needs to happen to make the family run and support Dd. What work options are available. Then look together at how to piece the puzzle together. You are both making valid points but don’t seem to be listening or compromising.

You are not being unreasonable!
You are lucky to have the option of flexible work and it sounds the best thing for your child. I'd just go ahead.

I don't know all your background to this. But I think you're struggling with money. Bills are only going to increase. You really need to make some money, your partner sounds really stressed that he works but can't enjoy a penny of it . That's no life for both of you. You could do supply teaching a couple of days a week. Have you lost your confidence about getting back into the workplace do you think?? Don't carry on like this for god's sake.

He is being ridiculous! My DH works 40 hours over 4 days Sunday to Wednesday and I work 33 hours over 4 days Wednesday to Saturday so we only have to rely on childcare for one day and our kids always have one of us.

We don’t have any time together or time alone without kids unless it’s booked off as annual leave but it works for us, we both do our fair share of parenting. I think it’s normal for parents to work like this these days and if you work evenings and weekends it would be the same for you and probably good for you to have some time away from parenting.

It won’t be long until your DD is at school and you can work more anyway.

Also to note, your child is FOUR! I returned to work after 10 weeks. Important to realise how privileged you’ve been up until now.

Some kids genuinely really hate nursery. Mine loves it, but from talking to other parents (who do still have to send them for work reasons) I know that's not always the case.

OP is being treated unfairly on this thread, there's clearly some people who take the existence of SAHMs as a personal slight.

That said, it's mad for you to be sending her to every activity and club going if that's meaning you're missing bills. And if tutoring is an option, you really should just do it. The online options other posters have mentioned sound good, maybe some during her nursery hours and a couple of evenings too? Asking your husband to do solo dinner and bedtime twice a week seems more than reasonable.

If you're prone to just taking over because he's not as good experienced as you (I know that feeling, as a SAHM of a few years now doing a bit of evening work) it's really important you let him learn. You learned through experience and he has to as well.

Good luck and I'm sorry about the nasty, unfounded criticisms and allegations on here. Mumsnet is so weird about SAHPs.

Being a stay at home mum is a decision lots of people make - including myself. Work out what's right for you OP, I was a stay at home mum for years before working evenings, going back to retrain and then work, my DH supported me through it all (as I did him). Family life isn't easy - no matter what route you take. The cost of living is a factor in the decision making, but there has to be compromises and support from both sides.

WOW MN can be a really nasty place sometimes and I’ve only made it through the first page…..have you all forgotten #BEKIND….??

First off OP isn’t saying that she doesn’t want to work, she has a solution that would ensure she’s there for DD and means she can earn more money, it just involves her and her OH working as a team and from what I’ve read he is opposed to doing this. I fail to see how this makes OP unreasonable.

Have we all jumped into a time machine and gone back in time to the 1950s where women were expected to look after the children, clean the house, have the dinner ready and their husbands slippers ready to put on as they walk through the door?!?

OP no one knows your daughter better than you and if you feel that you being at home with her is what she needs, then stick to your guns.

What I would suggest is sitting your OH down and talking everything through with him, he’s obviously feeling the pressure but it does seem that he’s completely disregarded everything you do by you being at home with DD. Be honest and detail all of what you currently do in the house and if you went back full time then you’re going to have split all of these responsibilities - he would need to pull his weight and that’s non negotiable.

Are you able to detail both options financially, back to work full time and your suggestion of tutoring? That way you can work through the options of which each would bring in and also detail out the commitments that would then need to be split.

I don’t think I’ve ever commented on MN before but couldn’t just read and run on this occasion, given some of the unwarranted negativity that was coming your way!

Hope you’re both able to work through it and come up with a plan that suits everyone. Best of luck!!! 😊

I'd be a tad frustrated if I were him too. It can LOOK like you sit doing little except have lovely times with your daughter whilst he slaves away to pay for your (family) lifestyle. Hardly surprising it breeds resentment.

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe reading this thread. People are just blatantly ignoring the fact that OP has an ND child who needs a lot of extra support at the moment. There are only about ten posts, if that, mentioning this. The rest are just responding as if this isn't a massively important piece of information.

Totally amazed at some responses I've seen today, but I suppose I shouldn't be. Some people either don't read things properly or are totally incapable of empathy. This is his child too, when does OP get any realistic downtime? And please don't give me any s**t about childcare, I think it can often be inadequate and rarely the right thing for a neurodiverse child who needs consistency to thrive. An option has been offered, mum can earn a decent income while dad steps up and does some parenting in the evening and weekends.

We don't know that the child is ND. That is just OP's assumption at this point.

@LaDamaDeElche this exactly. The kind of crap parents of ND have to deal with every day.

Parents with SN children work too,and op is awaiting a formal diagnosis that doesn’t prevent her working. Understandably her dope is annoyed she isn’t financially contributing and wants to be home 24-7. When he does try parent their dd she tells
him it’s not right or only she has the appropriate techniques

Typo, Understandably her dope = Understandably her dp

@LaLuz7
And you don't know she isn't. OP is a teacher, presumably well aversed in child development and lives with this little girl 24/7. Jeez.

I think she’s being unreasonable. I had to go back to work when ds was 17 months for the money. Worked 24 hrs a week in a flexible but boring as hell admin job- that’s just life. She’s 4 and only in 3 mornings a week? Full time school is going to be a hell of a shock.

She's not a medical professional though.

Well versed even. Bloody autocorrect.

@LaLuz7
So glad you grasped the crux of the discussion.