He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I feel for you OP. Everyone saying that she should put DD in full time childcare and go get a job obviously has never had an SEN child.
I couldnt afford not to work so put my DS into full tume nursery from 3yo. He had been part time before that. I had suspicions of ADHD and possibly autism but I had to work. Worst decision of my life. He was more and more overwhelmed as the time extended and I got call after call to come and pick him up as "he isn't coping". This continued at school. I finally lost my job as I had to take so much time off. Looking after an SEN child isn't easy. Your DH needs to step up and take care of his child while you go to work. Make it crystal clear that drop offs and picks up will be 50/50 as will taking time off if DD is sent home or sick. If that's not acceptable then suggest working evenings again. He needs to help to make you working possible.

You are being very unreasonable and inflexible. Why should he have the entire burden of financial support when you could be contributing? How would you feel if someone did this to you? Being an SAHM is a big luxury these days.

I was fortunate enough to be able to not work when my children were young, and decided to go to university when my youngest was 3and eldest 5. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done it without my husband. He changed his shifts, split shifts, went into work at 3am to be able to finish early to pick youngest up from nursery and then went back to work when I got home.. he was and continues to be amazing. I feel some of these comments are grossly unfair to the OP for wanting some support around finding hours that suits her.. and ignoring the fact that her dh could be slightly more supportive. what ever I say will be shot down as is mumsnet protocol when people have different opinions 🙄 I am sure but OP- I hear you and I understand where you are coming from.

Ok…. tell him you’ll be tutoring x amount of hours in evenings and weekends and that he shouldn’t see looking after HIS child as work!!!
I had a husband like this… he ‘worked’ and apparently I couldn’t work on his days off because he didn’t want to be tied down on his days off!! So I couldn’t work! He moaned constantly about money… yet it was me with one pair of leggings, only a few t- shirts… while he had an Apple Watch, Apple Mac, etc…… I never questioned it as he worked and I didn’t… but he’s buggared off and incredibly I’m financially better off alone!

Your poor DH. He never saw the warning signs. You want him to work constantly and you to swan about. 😂😂😂😂😂

Could you work providing extra tuition in schools, hours to fit in with childcare? Otherwise it might be better to change your childcare hours so that you can work a couple of whole days in a school.

You could do online tuition from home for a couple of hours after school on a couple of days, 4-6pm. Let your daughter watch TV in that time. Also Saturday morning for a couple of hours. You could easily make £30 - £50 an hour depending where you live.

I understand you're concerned about dd being overwhelmed, but she will be starting school in September and will have to attend full time.

Realistically you cannot afford the luxury of not working. So you have to go back to work. That's how life works.

Nah you're BU.
I recently left my ex H who's first wife never worked, and the youngest is now 8. I miss the children terribly but God I don't miss working my arse off for her to never work a day in her life and saying she can't get a job because 'When would I do the food shop".
If I felt like that, relatively distanced from it, God knows how your DH feels. You are as financially responsible for DD as he is and have been very privileged to get the first 4 years full time without needing to work.

@IWishIHadNotDoneIt i think you will find that lots us have children who have special needs /disabilities. I'm not going to repeat my previous responses but both mine have and I have always worked, it was hard but I did it. So, yes, I do have experience and know what it's like. If there isn't enough money to pay all the bills then the OP has to do something which is why a lot of mothers work. To pay bills!

Maybe it is time for you to take a turn supporting the family financially, and let him be the stay at home parent.

If you work you will then be eligible for an additional 15 hours funded hours, a total of 30 hrs. Term time only. Plus if your childcare provider is registered with the childcare.gov website you can save when paying any additional hours. For every £8 you put in the government top it up to £10.

He wants you to do all childcare AND work. He is precious. Wait until your child starts school than you can find some part time work a few days a week and leave a couple of days for house work. If he thinks you have an easy life he shouldn't have an issue looking after yourhis child do some tutoring that, by the away, provide resonably good pay per hour. YANBU

Agree with most posts here. You’re a partnership bringing up your daughter. As a teacher I’m sure u could find work to suit. Many teachers work p/t. Your husband deserves free time too. And share the household tasks. Talk it through. I’m sure u will find a way. The cost of living means new choices need to be made for a lot of people

I understand you wanting to spend time with your daughter but with current cost of living it is a luxury; she is 4 now and you being a teacher mean that you can still work school hours and have all the school holidays. He will have to pull his weight at home too if you ho to work

yabu

Sounds very tough I get he's finding it difficult but that's because he doesn't seem to do any parenting and doesn't realise that right now ye both have roles keeping the family together I'm shocked he expects you to have a job outside the home do all the childcare and family work while all he has is a job outside the home .Good luck I hope ye have a strong relationship because this sounds like a deal breaker situation

Just echoing others around your DH telling you he is struggling and asking you to help. I suggest it would help to sit down together and go through all the options and discuss pros/cons both in practical terms and financially.

1. continue as is
2. map out your suggestion of nights/weekends and exactly how that will work
3. you go back to work part time and increase nursery, ask for help with your DD to support this, you should try and get a diagnosis and therefore the help needed
4. you both work part time and share the childcare (and household chores) It’s a legal right now to be able to ask for part time work or say condensed days after six months employment, it’s especially difficult for the employer to refuse for a child pre school especially is there are additional needs.

Personally I don’t think it’s sustainable to continue as is and you may need to be more open minded on the various options. On the finances, it’s worth thinking about how you would cope with unexpected costs, it feels pretty tight from what you’ve written. Also by not working, you are missing out on your pension contributions (and teachers have a very generous pension benefit) so you are impacting your future earnings too.

good luck, hopefully you get something that still works for everyone.

This

It will be easier to get help put in place for reception if she starts to attend nursery more now. A diagnosis doesn’t equal help unfortunately. The EHCP process does require graduated levels of help to be tried first before they will offer full on support. My DD has an ASD diagnosis and doesn’t have an EHCP. She manages with the level of support provided without an EHCP. You will also find the transition to reception much harder if she doesn’t increase her hours now at the nursery. Can you find a nursery which specialises in children with send? We have some locally and they’re brilliant as they’re able to get additional funding whilst they start the EHCP process and their staff are more specifically trained and experienced with send. Not everywhere has them but it’s worth asking around. Also, if you suspect the ADHD you could be applying for DLA now. You don’t need a diagnosis to receive DLA. You just need to prove your child needs more support than their peers. I put off allying for DLA til we had the ASD diagnosis and was shocked how much they gave me and which I’d applied sooner. We also get an enhancement to our child tax credit. This is the same for universal credit. So if you’re not claiming it now you might be entitled if goi get a DLA award. Not guaranteed though.

For anyone suggesting supply teaching. I’d personally not recommend it. You need to be available at the drop of a hat to go into schools so would need childcare in place. I did supply for a couple of years and it was a struggle for us. Luckily I was able to pre book my DM for certain days each week to be available for childcare but as I wasn’t available for whole weeks I was often overlooked. Some days I would get calls and wouldn’t have time to sort dropping DD off. It wired a little bit when I had a longer term and could then book DD into nursery but they wouldn’t take ad hoc so once the long term ended the nursery did too. I ended up taking on a part time teaching role though which has worked out better as pay is decent and it meant childcare comms be fixed (and paid for).

I also found it hard as a teacher applying for non teaching jobs - over qualified and under experienced in other areas despite having project management experience for a few years as well.

I know some people struggling to get back to work Vs childcare have set themselves up as a child minded. Depends if you have the space for this and if you’d want to take other people’s children.

But OP is seeing it as work, so why shouldn’t her DH? It’s all very 1 sided

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts Whose suggestion is it that your DD might have ADHD? I know you said the referral came from the doctor, but what made you consult a doctor in the first place?

Just knew you'd be voted as being unreasonable before I even clicked on it. Every thread I see on here about this issue, SAHM's get annihilated. Mumsnet do not like SAHM's. It's almost toxic.

He's the one being unreasonable. If he wants you to work evenings and weekends he will have to look after his child - there's no two ways about it. So what if he's at work all day and looking after his daughter for a couple of hours in the evening?? You'll be doing exactly the same (and more) but in reverse - looking after your daughter, cooking, cleaning, all the other things you do during the day, and then going to work afterwards. Tell him that. Stand up for yourself. You can work opposite shifts so there's always one of you with your daughter. Otherwise you'd just be working to pay for childcare - which completely defeats the purpose. Please stand up for yourself. And ignore the usual herd of cows on here.

So if you go to work, will he still refuse to look after her of an evening as he’s been at work all day or does he expect you to work full time and then do everything for DD of an evening?

Not sure why he’s refusing to look after his own daughter after work so you can go and tutor as this is you making a contribution.

YABU. I went back to full time teaching when DS was 7 months old and although I feel guilty I didn’t have the luxury you have. Your DH is right, and though you have been thrifty at times with money, the cost of living is rising. Do supply, get a part time teaching job.

She could work evenings and weekends. He won't have his own child for that to happen!! Poor DH my backside.