He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

We have not missed the point. OPS dh has bills they cannot afford. Even from the title of the thread it speaks volumes that OP would much prefer NOT to work.

She has not even tried. Getting a job between 9am and 11.30am is ridiculous and she knows it.

Perhaps your right though let OP be a single parent.... and claim CMS she will have a rude awakening because it doesn't go far.

I’ve tried to make the point many, many times that she should just do it anyway - she is not a hostage to this situation. It’s the perfect solution but I do have my suspicions that that’s not exactly what OP wants to do, despite claiming otherwise. Because surely you’d just say - DH, you want me to work, I do too, but for these reasons, I am only going to work in the evenings. I know you don’t want me to but it’s the best compromise.

Job done. No?

He doesn't want to do any childcare because he's not used to looking after his DC on her own. And OP is not keen on letting him look after DD on his own because he doesn't do it the same way as she does. They are in a vicious circle.

Although I still can't work out why she can't (now) tutor after DD is in bed.

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling agree if any man was TELLING me he didn't want me to work I would tell to him F right off.

It's ridiculous.

And there in lies the rub, right?

DH is telling her to work.
OP proposes a time that would be a compromise between both their needs/ focus
DH says - oh no, that won’t work for me
OP says - oh ok then.

Like…what? He wants you to work so go and work and make him step up to childcare.

But like I said, the absence of this happening makes me wonder about whether OP truly, actually wants to, despite what she says.

I understand Op. you have basically agreed to work around DD whilst she is still young so for example evenings private tutoring when your husband can look after her but he's not happy with that? Sorry to ask but has he ever had time alone with her looking after her by himself? I'm just wondering if he is finding the prospect daunting? If so, maybe you should leave him to it for a few hours

No, I think most people have not missed that point at all. But it is clear from the OPs posts that she doesn't much rate her husband's capabilities so it's hardly surprising he isn't keen. As I said earlier, she needs to step back (by leaving the house and going to her job), trust him and leave him to manage.

She is the default childcare in the evenings now precisely because she chooses to be. She steps in when he isn't doing it the way she wants right.

Of course he wants treats and some sort of nice quality of life! Get back to daytime work part time! It's not the 1950s!

If he thinks that financially you need to go back work he needs to sit down and have an adult conversation with you. Not berate and blame you because you’ve got a bill you can’t pay. I can’t find a job in the hours that my daughter is at pre-school and my daughters pre-school doesn’t have any available spaces left. We’re on the waiting list. So even if a job did come up I’d have to change her pre-school. She’ll be in school in September then you’ll have a good chunk of the day to find work. He’s probably feeling overwhelmed and under pressure but he should be talking to you rather than getting angry with uou

That would be lovely. But it's a luxury when you have children.

I think just don’t forget how much people in other parts of the world are desperate for tutoring too, because the time zone difference might work in your favour here. A British qualified teacher could probably write their own hours and fees with tutoring online abroad.

And when it comes to university students, I know kids who are with my own sons when they were stuck at home in China ect when covid was on, those students were getting up in the middle of the night to do online lectures. Middle of the night in their countries, I mean. There would be a lot of scope for finding students in countries that would fit your exact timing needs, and all the foundation university students need English tuition

@GroundhogGroundhog OP can have time to herself. She can leave her DD 1 evening with her dad. What's that got to do with anything? Nobody is suggesting OP works 40 hours a week. But she does need to get a job she would still have time for herself. Sometimes I go to work for the rest!

Of course there isn't. And I wouldn't say that some time to yourself is a luxury, I think it's essential for most people's mental health. It doesn't have to be much, but you are a person as well as a mother/father.

It wasn't me who said she wasn't getting time to herself. Quite the opposite. You are confused.

It does sound tough. If DD is 4 then she'll be in school by September. Presumably you could book her into one or two full days from say Easter. Can you tell your partner by Easter you'll be looking for work? I can see it from his angle as well. But when you can sort out some paid work then maybe you can outsource some of the domestic chores. All the best.

Think you both need to give your heads a wobble tbh.

You need to work to afford things and you have a brilliant skill set. Coukd you not work in a pre school and take the kid with you? Send her to nursery full time 3 days a week and register as a supply teacher It isn't fair to leave the financial burden on him

I agree with him to be honest. You could work on the days your DD is in childcare, why should he look after her after work whilst you sit around all day when she's not there?

Teaching isn’t a 9 to 5 job . When I was doing supply I had to be in work well before 9 and would have marking/ admin to do before I could leave. It would be a long day for DD who has additional needs and would probably find this stressful. It will be the same when DD is in school full time.She might finish at 3 but her mum won’t so additional childcare will be needed. The best of both worlds could be achieved if partner would take on his share of childcare so that the tutoring opportunities could be taken up. Schools do not want very part time TAs. Or teachers.I managed to teach full time simply because my two children were at the same school for their nursery/primary years and I could arrange after school care or they could go to a club or they could hang around .Once they were at secondary school, partner would drive them to school. They finished later than my school and had a good walk home so I could sometimes get away by 4.30 and finish prep and marking once they were in bed. Didn’t work when there were staff meetings , parent consultations etc. Then husband used flexi time to cover. While teaching I worked an average 45 hour week. Sundays were spent catching up with lesson planning. My partner shared responsibilities but we all found it hard at times. Unless you can find a part time job, all parents work longer hours than their child’s school hours. If your husband can’t drop a day to have some down time, you could perhaps tutor for 3 evenings and Saturday morning.

ND kids are hard, I hear you...but at the same time I think you need to ask yourself if you are really being fair here.

I have two children aged 11 and 8 (and a DH) with ADHD and a 4 year old. The 8 year old has a very severe presentation that came close to taking him out of mainstream education until he was rescued by medication at 5.5. I work part-time (school hours). DH works full-time. So speaking from experience...

You can claim DLA for children before diagnosis if there are significant enough problems that a nursery/pre-school setting has picked up on and will write a supporting letter for. The threshold for DLA for children is that they require more assistance than the average child of the same age. So claim this asap to help with family finances and the cost of private assessment.

Kids with ADHD and other ND often need more time at preschool, not less, to settle in and become accustomed to routines, and for staff to learn how to best help them/get the best out of them. If the staff are working with you and getting to know your child's needs, you should really be moving toward the full 30 hours at this point. The vast, vast majority of kids with ADHD are in mainstream education, full time with support plans and adaptations in place. The sooner you start moving toward this, the better.

If drop offs are hard, this may not be ADHD but attachment issues, which is a whole different issue, but worth considering. (And still a good reason to aim for the 30 hours).

You cannot live in a family home and save all the household tasks for when the child is out. This is utterly unsustainable. It's good for them to see you go about normal day to day routines. Everything is educational at this stage. In fact, running around the house with you from task to task is a pretty good way to keep a child with ADHD busy. OK, it wont always be possible. Some days are just tough. But the more you do it, the better you'll both get at making this work. You might find the odd task that utilises ADHD hyperfocus and keeps them busy for 60-90 mins (model making clay playdoh type stuff works in my house) while you just get shit done. Shopping can be trickier. On-line after bed time is how I get it done, even if that's been on my phone sitting in bed with a child. Honestly, you'll hold on to your own sanity for longer if you get the housework done while your child is there and actually RELAX from time to time when they are out.

There is no way I could expect my DH to work full-time and then do solo child care in the evening while I worked. ADHD kids are hard work all the time, and tend to have delayed sleep initiation. Evenings need a joint effort. (Big respect to everyone doing this as a single parent).

This is our routine: I work 9 to 1pm. DH works 9.30 to 5.30. His late start allows him to do school drop off after ADHD meds have kicked in for the kids rather than struggling through breakfast club. I finish work at 1pm and have a bit of 50/50 chilling out/errands until picking up kids at 3pm (again, meds wear off so no afterschool club possible). Between pick up and dinner I do housework with and around the kids. We do the dinner, bed, bath routine together. At weekends we try to make sure that both of us gets some time to ourselves.

Reading your posts @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts it sounds a little like you have an ideal standard (a high standard?) for the time you spend with your child. I wonder if you are bargaining a bit here (if I do x, y, z, she'll be better/not struggle/not have ADHD)? I really don't want to be presumptuous but a lot of parents who have kids with SEN/ASN experience this -misplaced guilt, bargaining, a need to control everything and "make it all better"...Honestly, what most kids with ADHD need is the minimisation of unexpected stimulation/over stimulation, and regular routines whether that is the routine of watching/helping you at home or attending preschool at regular times.

OP, it certainly seems as if you're being unreasonable

You are a teacher so there are many options

Do tutoring at weekends? Evenings? I don't understand his point re the evenings tbh? You wouldnt necessarily do it every eve or beyond 6pm)

I voted YANBU. His attitude that he shouldn’t have to come home and look after the kids sucks! Many families have parents who work all day then have to come home and look after the kids. That’s having kids. You can’t check out when you get in from work every night and do nothing toward the keeping of the house. With DD having SN it’s not as simple as just chucking her in nursery and getting on with it. I agree he needs to take a step back and understand dd’s SN and why you are suggesting working the way you are, and making it work until September when you can go back during school hours.

Only 8/9 more months and she will be at school

Why not do supply teaching or tutoring? You would be able to fit these around the needs of your child. Being a teaching assistant is something else you could do, although the pay is awful.

I left teaching and then tutored when youngest went to school. Weekends and after school hours are harder than people think, even for your husband having to do the childcare after he’s worked, it’s also difficult for you to work at the peak time you know your child would prefer you home. Look to see if you can tutor home schoolers or school refusers, also hospital long stay pupils. They can be taught in working day hours rather than after school and weekends. Good luck

Hate when parents try and use the excuse that there child doesn’t like nursery. Children thrive in those settings unless they are feeding into the parents anxieties or already been kept at home isolated too much. Go back to work