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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:
PickyTea · 09/12/2022 11:59

BiscuitLover3678 · 09/12/2022 11:47

This.

people are just immediately blinded by the fact the op isn’t already working (and there is such horrible sahm prejudice on this site).

He’s not compromising at all. She is working full time with everything to do with her child and the house. She doesn’t want it to go from 50/50 to 150/50 where she just won’t cope.

Show quote history

She isn’t compromising either, and working evenings and weekends isn’t a compromise, it’s what she wants and her DH doesn’t want for good reason, that’s not suitable for most families to have parents that are ships passing in the night

GloomyDarkness · 09/12/2022 12:06

A lot of the A-level tutoring we've been looking at has been in day time hours - and most on-line - depending on your subject area that could well be another day time option.

Also - I found DH could and did cope when I wasn't around even with three preschool aged kids -as in I'd left the house -when previously he'd be finding me even if I was busy and we'd agreed I wouldn't be bothered - so it might well be worth trying to get them - your DH and DD - to spend time together or when quieter or after assessments slowly building up that time they spend without you around to build skills and confidence.

randomfriends · 09/12/2022 12:08

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 09/12/2022 08:30

Dd has been referred via doctors, but we will be waiting a while so I’ve booked a private appointment for the start of January, which I still have to wait for even though paying. So she’s in the system, but am hurrying it along.

This is the vital info @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts, my youngest has an EHCP and has to be watched constantly for his own safety and we still can't get a referral until he's 5 for ASD and 6 for ADHD and we already have ADHD diagnosed within his immediate family. This is clearly a very significant difficulty and you can absolutely ignore all the PPs telling you to 'just put her in nursery for more hours'.

The reality is there is nothing straightforward about your circumstances and getting your DD settled in the right educational setting with all the support she needs in place is going to take up a lot of your time and headspace over the next few years and beyond, you need to be able to work flexibly and he needs to do his share with DD and around the house. Do yourself a favour and go on over to the SEN/ND boards where you might hopefully find some decent advice and support.

loislovesstewie · 09/12/2022 12:08

But if there isn't enough money to pay all of the bills then there are 2 choices :

  1. cut back on all unnecessary expenses Or
  2. increase the money coming into the household. We might have different ideas about how 2 can be achieved but it seems those are the choices.
DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2022 12:23

Maybe the fact she doesn't want to work at all. Full stop.
She said she can work evenings/weekends but he doesn't want her to - she already knew this and doesn't want to do it either but is using it to show she is "willing" to do something

I think this might be the most incisive post on the whole thread.

NotAHouse · 09/12/2022 12:31

Peashoots · 08/12/2022 14:11

but you want to work entirely when it suits you at the expense of any free time for your partner. I think you’re being very unreasonable. What about part time teaching, or supply?

Show quote history

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

sheepdogdelight · 09/12/2022 12:37

NotAHouse · 09/12/2022 12:31

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Show quote history

Depends on your perspective. But if you consider looking after DD to be free time, then OP gets a disproportionate amount of it.

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 12:40

NotAHouse · 09/12/2022 12:31

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Show quote history

Then surely OP gets a whole day of free time if that’s what looking after DD is

LaLuz7 · 09/12/2022 12:40

NotAHouse · 09/12/2022 12:31

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Show quote history

No. Single-handedly supervising a toddler is not free time. Duh.

Also, as PP very astutely pointed out, if you do consider looking after the kid as free time, then OP has at least 8h more of free time each working day.

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2022 12:46

Put her in 2 full days.

Work for an agency those days.

Make it clear that he will have to pick up household tasks as you have less time.

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 12:58

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Of course it is?! Spending time with their children is what parents do in their leisure time.

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 13:01

Depends on your perspective. But if you consider looking after DD to be free time, then OP gets a disproportionate amount of it.

Well, yes. She is doing some cleaning and shopping. For a normal house this is what, 5 hours per week? Cooking is a hobby for many people and not difficult to do quickly if you don't enjoy it.

I totally understand as I've said above why her DD can't cope with full-time childcare. Mine can't either. But there are other ways like I suggested, to still work and contribute to the household finances and actually help DD prepare for school and make things better for her husband at the same time. Surely the obvious solution is along the lines I suggested as this benefits everyone?

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 13:02

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 12:58

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Of course it is?! Spending time with their children is what parents do in their leisure time.

I don't really understand why anybody who does not wish to do this has decided to have children?

DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2022 13:07

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 12:58

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Of course it is?! Spending time with their children is what parents do in their leisure time.

So the OP has had 4 years of 24/7 leisure time whilst her DH has had to go out to work to fund it.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 09/12/2022 13:11

As someone who pays privately for my child's ADHD medication and appointments, getting a second job or not will become a question of necessity rather than choice.

Redebs · 09/12/2022 13:36

BiscuitLover3678 · 09/12/2022 11:47

This.

people are just immediately blinded by the fact the op isn’t already working (and there is such horrible sahm prejudice on this site).

He’s not compromising at all. She is working full time with everything to do with her child and the house. She doesn’t want it to go from 50/50 to 150/50 where she just won’t cope.

Show quote history

Exactly. All these people who think looking after a child is 'leisure'. It seems the only thing that counts as work is what brings in a wage.

How about looking at it from a different perspective: you have a child together and then do everything you can to nurture and provide for them.
When children are little, you don't need gadgets, holidays, TV subscription packages, new furniture, etc etc. Priorities!!!

It sounds as though OP is putting her child's needs first, but getting insulted for not bundling her off for the sake of a bit of cash. Posters on here think that extended childcare is better for young children? Or just resent that they feel they had to do it?

If income is too low, then you can cut back on non-essentials. If it's still not enough to pay your living costs, claim benefits! Plenty of time to bring in more money when the children are independent.

whumpthereitis · 09/12/2022 13:42

Redebs · 09/12/2022 13:36

Exactly. All these people who think looking after a child is 'leisure'. It seems the only thing that counts as work is what brings in a wage.

How about looking at it from a different perspective: you have a child together and then do everything you can to nurture and provide for them.
When children are little, you don't need gadgets, holidays, TV subscription packages, new furniture, etc etc. Priorities!!!

It sounds as though OP is putting her child's needs first, but getting insulted for not bundling her off for the sake of a bit of cash. Posters on here think that extended childcare is better for young children? Or just resent that they feel they had to do it?

If income is too low, then you can cut back on non-essentials. If it's still not enough to pay your living costs, claim benefits! Plenty of time to bring in more money when the children are independent.

Show quote history

She’s not in paid employment, that’s the bottom line. When he’s not able to cover the bills alone, and he doesn’t want to cover the financial burden alone, then it’s reasonable to ask her to return to paid employment.

there’s a lot of things that people don’t ‘need’ but most people don’t actually strive to limit themselves to only the things they need, but things that add to their quality of life as well. He doesn’t want to just be able to cover the bills, and that’s fair enough too.

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 14:46

So the OP has had 4 years of 24/7 leisure time whilst her DH has had to go out to work to fund it.

Well, yeah, pretty much. Most of us look forward to the time we spend with our DC and consider that our time off. Because that's when we're not working, that's family time, what we've chosen to do with our leisure time by having a family.

Household tasks have to be done at some point like cleaning etc but this doesn't really take very long out of an entire week. Of course if one person isn't working they should do that, but it still leaves them a great deal of free time to just spend with their kids and enjoy.

It's not comparable to having a job. And I say this as a lone parent whose time is 100% either at work or looking after children. The time with children is the leisure time. I'm not sure how else it could be described.

Macaroni46 · 09/12/2022 14:50

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 14:46

So the OP has had 4 years of 24/7 leisure time whilst her DH has had to go out to work to fund it.

Well, yeah, pretty much. Most of us look forward to the time we spend with our DC and consider that our time off. Because that's when we're not working, that's family time, what we've chosen to do with our leisure time by having a family.

Household tasks have to be done at some point like cleaning etc but this doesn't really take very long out of an entire week. Of course if one person isn't working they should do that, but it still leaves them a great deal of free time to just spend with their kids and enjoy.

It's not comparable to having a job. And I say this as a lone parent whose time is 100% either at work or looking after children. The time with children is the leisure time. I'm not sure how else it could be described.

I agree with this. When I was home with my DC it felt much less pressured than being at work. I don't buy into this being a SAHP is a full time job once the DC are past toddler stage.

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 14:50

And likewise if he is shirking using his leisure time to be with his family then he's not fit to be a father, and I'd end the relationship.

But OP won't like that idea if she doesn't want to work... interesting that nobody's responded to my suggestion of how as a lone parent I manage to work full time with children who can't cope with full time nursery/ after school clubs etc: you hire a nanny. OP can apparently earn £30-50ph so there's no reason she can't do this and leave quality family time for all to share at evenings and weekends (and ensure her husband participates in this properly, or ditch him - but see above re. don't stay with a useless man who can't/ won't parent.)

DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2022 14:53

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 14:46

So the OP has had 4 years of 24/7 leisure time whilst her DH has had to go out to work to fund it.

Well, yeah, pretty much. Most of us look forward to the time we spend with our DC and consider that our time off. Because that's when we're not working, that's family time, what we've chosen to do with our leisure time by having a family.

Household tasks have to be done at some point like cleaning etc but this doesn't really take very long out of an entire week. Of course if one person isn't working they should do that, but it still leaves them a great deal of free time to just spend with their kids and enjoy.

It's not comparable to having a job. And I say this as a lone parent whose time is 100% either at work or looking after children. The time with children is the leisure time. I'm not sure how else it could be described.

Oh no, don't get me wrong - I absolutely agree with you.

Peashoots · 09/12/2022 15:23

NotAHouse · 09/12/2022 12:31

So looking after his daughter isn't a part of "free time"?

Show quote history

This is the issue though, isn’t it? OP being with daughter is “harder than a full time job” (despite three mornings a week when she’s in nursery!) but when it’s husband, it’s leisure time that he should enjoy. You can’t have it both ways.

GroundhogGroundhog · 09/12/2022 15:47

not bundling her off for the sake of a bit of cash

Bloody hell. Using childcare is not "bundling off for the sake of cash". Part of parenting is providing for your child. You're not somehow a more worthy parent because you are stuck to your child like glue 24/7. And at the age the OP's child is, it will generally help her to be spending time with other children and adults, anyway (in a way appropriate for her additional needs, per my other posts).

Your suggestion that people "just claim benefits" so they don't have to work and can spend all their time at leisure with their children is outrageous. Benefits are there to help people who need them, not people who can't be bothered to work and pay their way when they are perfectly capable of doing so,

Welshmonster · 09/12/2022 16:37

I think many people missed the point of your post that your partner doesn’t want to do any childcare. You are currently the childcare and he can do what he likes in the evening. I teach full time and tutor in the evenings and there is money to be made if he will do childcare.

failing that. Go back to work full time and let him do 50:50 childcare. Or be a single mum and he will have to pay you maintenance’s

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 09/12/2022 16:40

Am I the only one then that needs time to myself? I work full time and have three children, and whilst I love them dearly - I do need time on my own just to chill and veg out, and not fulfil a million requests or break up arguments.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, surely?