He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

A later drip feed made it clear that DH doesn't want to look after his child essentially because he's never had the chance to do it and is a bit unsure. Reading between the lines, I also suspect OP probably expects him to do it in a certain way.

That's rather a lot different to refusing to look after your own child due to being a crap parent. So basically OP has set up a situation where she is saying "of course I'm happy to do this...." knowing that it won't happen. If DH actually said "of course, go and get an evening job", I suspect she might change her mind again and decide her DD couldn't be left every evening..

@Redebs - yeah nhs work burnt me out. PT with commute factored in, I was putting in at least the same number of hours as DH (FT 37.5hrs).

@Peashoots - Different jobs are different. My non nhs FT role is now easier than sahm and looking after 3 kids.

What does he do for your daughter?

I don't get this either.

Even within her own parameters it would be perfectly possible for the OP to get work - she's said she'd like to tutor, and that tends to be a job that's done in half hour or hour long increments.

So (as suggested by multiple people) she could look for online work while her DC is at pre-school, or she could tutor in the evenings after DC is in bed (so no "looking after" required). And then she / DH could see how this was working out and review as needed

Dd has been referred via doctors, but we will be waiting a while so I’ve booked a private appointment for the start of January, which I still have to wait for even though paying. So she’s in the system, but am hurrying it along.

I get that, but the OP's dd is 4, and has just started. I do think it's harder for a 4 year old to get used to nursery and especially only going a few mornings.
I didn't go to nursery and going straight into school from 5 years at home with my mum was very, very hard.

Earns every penny that comes into the household?

I've been trying to work out why the OP's situation is getting under my skin. Perhaps it's that many of us would like to have stayed at home and provided for every desire of our dc, but had to/felt a duty to go back to work to earn money and pay our share. Perhaps it's the utter disregard of the dh's needs. The refusal to think outside the box in terms of finding employment. Or that the OP is perhaps holding back her own child by not giving her the opportunities a decent nursery education can bring, which won't do her any favours when she has to start school (though by this point, maybe home education will be on the cards?)

I just don’t get it. Why are you letting him not wanting you to stop you? You’re already doing something he doesn’t want (not working) so it can’t be that? What’s stopping you, exactly?

Maybe the fact she doesn't want to work at all. Full stop.
She said she can work evenings/weekends but he doesn't want her to - she already knew this and doesn't want to do it either but is using it to show she is "willing" to do something

👏🏼👏🏼

This reads to me like OP and DD are in their own separate little universe and DH is on the outside looking in. OP sounds entirely consumed with motherhood to the point where she has zero energy or emotional emotional availability left to give to the husband or to any other "trivial" matters like financial security and the health of the marital relationship.

Case in point:

• OP pays for activities/clubs/days out (which are nice-to-haves, not necessities) while bills go unpaid

-OP shows a great reluctance to let DD grow a little independence. Admits she has an anxious parenting style. Sounds very co-dependent and smothering. Is it that DD is actually struggling with nursery or is it that OP is blowing things out of proportion and projecting her own issues onto DD? It' entirely possible that it's OP who isn't ready to let DD separate from her healthily and struggling to go back to being anything other than a mother.

-OH can't possibly be left to parent DD because he struggles to understand and soothe DD. Sounds like OP has a very rigid idea of what constitutes good parenting, and OH must adhere to her program 100% or step aside. If he's been criticised and discouraged frequently it's no wonder he doesn't feel confident to parent alone.

The subtle undertone here is that husband is just a pawn in OPs story of motherhood, but is given zero consideration or respect. He's just there to slave away and provide for OP, and should do it quietly, because he is not supposed to be an equal active part of the story.

But that’s not what you asked - you asked why she didn’t go until age 3. So I was answering that.

You say he "tries". You need to let him try more, even if he fails sometimes and that upsets your DD. He really needs to learn how to parent his own child effectively. He needs more practice not less. Your DD would benefit from having two parents with practice at meeting her needs.

For the rest of it, I can understand his frustration to some extent. You both work hard (him earning money, you in a different way) and it's not unreasonable of him to want some nice things in life if between you you can earn an income which allows this. Yes, your DD's needs should come first, but that doesn't mean his feelings should be completely disregarded.

JUST. GO. AND. WORK. WHEN. YOU. WANT. Regardless of what he says about you not wanting to work in the evenings and weekends.

is it not a 'partnership' though? Can both in the relationship say 'I'll only work when I want'?

Surely you could fit a couple of hours tutoring in a week? We have a private tutor, she tutors school and home-schooled kids, so hours are very flexible. She earns good money for an hours work.
I believe there’s a whole network of homeschooling, with varies social media pages. Have you tried advertising on there for work?

Your husband sounds exhausted and stressed and I’m not surprised if you’re struggling to pay bills.
Your a team, and you need to do your bit.
lots of people work, and do housework, washing, cooking, shopping…and look after children. And unless you’re in the fortunate position ( which clearly your not) of not needing a second income, you have to get on with it.
I can’t see your relationship lasting if you don’t.

My daughter started preschool in the September before she started school. She didn’t start prior to this as I only worked 12 hours a week and a grandparent looked after her, which is in my opinion better than being in a mass-child care setting.

She only attended for 6 hours a week (2 three-hour sessions). She unfortunately only attended until March as lockdown hit us. So she barely had any preschool experience but I just wanted to say it had NO bearing whatsoever on how she settled into school. We were fortunate that she attends a school that allows the parent to make the decision on when they attend full time in year R (following legal requirements of course). She keenly started full time in the October. Year 2 now and never had a day where she didn’t want to go in.

OP, it may be that your daughter attending longer hours or more days at preschool will help her settle faster. Your DH is being a little shortsighted in his inflexibility to help look after your child, but I can understand his concern at the same time.

kanaloa - it was a conversation, read the post one before and you would understand!

Why are you talking ABOUT the OP on her thread. It's quite disconcerting to read and comes across quite bitchily - what are you trying to achieve exactly? - Who ARE you talking to anyway?

@Greeneyes887766 Thank you, really upsetting, bitchy and downright wrong comments from this poster, feels v personal, I don’t know why.

Onthecuspofabteakthough

Is that it? Does he play with her, take her to clubs, does he understand her needs?

It's not just up to you. "We" can afford it because "he" works full time and wants you to contribute too.

As with all issues in relationships you need to communicate. How will you meet th E needs of your DD if you are both working? And take it from there

This.

people are just immediately blinded by the fact the op isn’t already working (and there is such horrible sahm prejudice on this site).

He’s not compromising at all. She is working full time with everything to do with her child and the house. She doesn’t want it to go from 50/50 to 150/50 where she just won’t cope.

Working when your child is in day care and having the weekends and evenings free benefits BOTH of you not just your husband? You BOTH get some down time and to share the childcare. The fact your DH is suggesting this doesn’t make him a de-facto villain and crap dad.

You need to sit down with DH and discuss (1) your child’s needs now and when in school next year; you are black and white on this despite no diagnosis. He can have an opinion and input too. (2) pick ups, drop offs and household care. Yes, it would not be acceptable for you to continue to shoulder everything but you haven’t really tried it yet or had the conversation by the sounds of it? Again, it’s compromise and lowering of standards. Obviously someone needs to do the childcare but the cleaning, cooking etc may sometimes have to slip or be done in ways you would rather it wasn’t. Actually, being out the house can mean less to be done as it’s messed up comparatively less. It’s not black and white. Communicate.

You are being so unreasonable I don’t know where to start. It’s telling you only seem to want to respond to those in agreement with you, look at the vote and 90% of the comments - you are unreasonable