He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

It's usually on their 3rd birthday.

Thanks - so I wonder why she didn't go before? To socialise and to give the OP a few hours break even.

You need to just go and get this evening job if that's what you want.

Your DH WILL manage. Your DD WILL be fine. They will find their way. But you have to leave him to it to deal with it his own way. You have to BUTT OUT. If, when he's been looking after her before, you "tend to just take over most of it", you are doing neither of you any favours. Nobody wants to do something if they are going to be be endlessly judged and criticised for it and feel like they're walking on eggshells (even if that criticism is unspoken and is just your partner taking over). I'm not surprised he doesn't want to look after his DD if he's being set up to fail and there's a realistic option (pre-school) which will avoid that. Start trusting your DH to be able to look after his own DD and you will find your life will be a lot easier.

Because the third birthday is often when people get free hours at nursery. It can be quite expensive for toddlers/babies to go, especially if op was working at home when dd was a small baby. It often simply isn’t worth it.

So just to be clear, he can't work & look after dd but you should do both?
he's going to have to wise up if you have any sense op. Yes you need to work as you need to increase the family income but he's a twat to not be able to look after her.

I assume tutoring is £20 an hour

I charge £50 an hour.

I’m not sure I understand the posts where people say that OP doesn’t want to leave her daughter with her OH - didn’t she say that she was happy to work evenings and weekends but HE doesn’t want to care for DD during that time?

isn’t the bone of contention that OP doesn’t want more nursery hours as she is concerned that DD is finding it hard with the current hours; but DH thinks DD will be fine in nursery and it saves him energy?

You’ve said a few times that as long as DD gets everything her heart desires you don’t care about yourself having anything nice - your husband and his desires seems to be tertiary, and I suspect that may be adding to his resentment.

Still waiting on who made the ADHD referral.

You only get to be a sahp if both parents agree, because you are basically forcing him to fund you to not work.

You need to look at getting a job, asap. Your best compromise will be to ask if you can delay til september when your dd starts school. Thats when most teaching jobs will come up anyway.

He's not a twat to want to use childcare. A pattern where one of you works evenings/weekends is crap if you can afford an alternative, because you never see each other or get any down time to relax.

Also your DD is probably struggling with the preschool because 3 short mornings a week isnt enough time to bond with a key person & settle properly. Its why a lot of good quality settings require a minimum of four sessions a week.

You would probably actually find she would settle better if she went more, not less.

Also interested in the ADHD possibility as ime its near impossible to diagnose until more like 6-7 because some of the behaviours that indicate it are common in younger kids.

OP my younger DC (same age as yours) can't cope with nursery full time. I use nannies to supplement. If - as others say - you can earn £30-50ph tutoring then you can still make a good income by getting a specialist nanny who can look after DD in your home 1:1 while you work. The nanny can collect her from nursery so you could hire a nanny for 3 afternoons then you'd have three full days available for work and still plenty of time with DD. It's hard, but it can be done, and will benefit her to get used to be cared for by other adults more of the time before school in Sept, otherwise that will be a shock.

Your husband also needs to learn how to parent his child and understand her SEN. Insist he goes on some courses that will teach him about this as he's clearly not had enough initiative to read up on it and learn about it himself if he's not learned the behaviour management strategies etc that you have. It will damage their and your relationship if he doesn't get a grip on this.

You can also put the funded hours you're not currently utilising towards the costs of the nanny.

I am with OP on this one. Partner wants her to work, but doesn't want to look after his own child while OP is working. Of course, OP could go back to teaching (which she doesn't want to come back to), but who would be doing all the school drop-offs and pick-ups? Im sure, in his mind, that will be OP's 'job'.
But by the looks of it, family is struggling on his salary alone, so something needs to be done.

I'd also be insisting that your husband does the mornings and drop off to nursery on those days you work, so you can make an earlier start and parenting is more equally shared. He doesn't start work until 9 so this should be easy as nurseries open long before that.

And looking after DD in evenings and weekends needs to be equally shared. Sure, if you work 3 full days per week as I'm suggesting you'll still have plenty of time to get all the housework, laundry, shopping etc done in your two days off with DD, but then evening and weekends need to be split in terms of you both having some time to yourselves and spending time as a family together. With this setup getting a more equitable balance for everyone should be easy.

With an SEN child, after school clubs and holiday clubs etc prob won't work once she's a school, so again you'll probably need to use nannies to supplement for after school and holiday care so that you can go full time at that point. But it sounds like you have fairly lucrative options available with tutoring etc so this should still leave you significantly better off than you are right now. And with two parents to share the 13 weeks of holiday care + some inevitable sickness absences from school, you will have enough annual leave between you to cover at least 2/3 of that time off and only need nanny cover for the remainder, spread across the year.

Then on top of that you can use "tax-free childcare" for a 20% discount on the nanny costs, and apply for DLA for your daughter to help with the additional costs involved in soecialist childcare. The TFC has a higher annual limit in max amount you can claim the discount on if the child has significant additional needs.

Often parents have to do this because - especially at this age - nurseries/ schools have so little knowledge of how conditions manifest. Particularly in girls and particularly in children who don't also have learning disabilities. The , if you want them to have any realistic prospect of getting schools to listen to you and put the right support in place you need a diagnosis and with the NHS you'll be waiting 4-5 years now from referral for that, in many areas.

Well done to the OP for fighting for the support her daughter needs. Often getting a private diagnosis is the only realistic option that means they'll get support much before primary school is over and their education has been trashed.

@Autumndays123 lol, you have clearly no idea how much tutoring actually pays.
@Canthave2manycats Teaching a family friendly career? No. I work full time in a school. I am never home to help my son get up, get dressed, have breakfast etc and drop him off at school (he is 4) because I leave too early. He also goes to after-school club because I can’t pick him up. I come home every day with my work to-do list never any shorter. And in the holidays I am exhausted. I will in fact be dropping to 0.8 next year because it is so ridiculously exhausting and we can afford to but a lot of the above still won’t change.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts I have PMd you and I hope the information helps.

This is exactly what I have kept saying but people seem fixated on evenings and weekends for some reason…

@EricNorthmanYesPlease hahaha you can double that.

@Junejolie is right. You can tutor kids who are based all over the world: our morning is Asia’s evening so it is VERY easy.

If you are falling behind on bill payments then yes, you need to work.

he is funding you just staying at home not working and he has nothing to show for it, that must be really hard.

tour daughter gets :30 hours pre school finding so use thst time to work - part time teaching / admin job/ shop job but you need to earn some money

it really sounds like you don't want to.

I said this several times on the thread last night and here I am this morning saying the same thing 😂 It’s infuriating.

JUST. GO. AND. WORK. WHEN. YOU. WANT. Regardless of what he says about you not wanting to work in the evenings and weekends.

You say you want to. It’s the obvious solution. He will be fine with your daughter - you’ve been told by lots of people it would facilitate DH learning how to parent her how she needs.

But yet the whole thread is still fixated on whether you are unreasonable or not. Just go and solve the problem (because he’s not unreasonable for wanting you to work) but at times that means you can fulfil your commitments to your DD (because you’re not unreasonable for wanting to do that).

I just don’t get it. Why are you letting him not wanting you to stop you? You’re already doing something he doesn’t want (not working) so it can’t be that? What’s stopping you, exactly?

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts as a PP said you really need to review your spending. You listed a long list of things your DD has that a lot of children wouldn't because of money. Is it all necessary? Yes it's nice to have days out, club menberships, or lots of toys for our kiddies but if it's at the expense of a household bill being paid...... If you could do this and meet your expenses maybe your DH would be happier for you to stay out of work until DD goes to school full time. As a matter of interest, is it a family day out or midweek for you and DD when DH is working?

I don't understand how you can care for and educate 3 small children and find it easier than employment.
I have things to say about caring for children that are better left unsaid in this context.🤐