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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:
EricNorthmanYesPlease · 08/12/2022 22:38

Just to add OP. If you lose sight of your relationship, you may find yourself a lone parent. You wont have a choice to stay home looking after your daughter. you'll be working all hours to support her, with not much quality time.

Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 22:39

@EricNorthmanYesPlease Yep, thanks 👍

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 08/12/2022 22:40

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 08/12/2022 22:38

Just to add OP. If you lose sight of your relationship, you may find yourself a lone parent. You wont have a choice to stay home looking after your daughter. you'll be working all hours to support her, with not much quality time.

Agree!!!

Kanaloa · 08/12/2022 22:41

Autumndays123 · 08/12/2022 21:37

Because DD is in nursery until 12, home and then they have a few hours together before DH does tea, bath and bed. What's complicated about that?

Show quote history

So op is doing breakfast, school runs, then lunch. What’s complicated is why op’s time with dd is being presented as a fun treat and DH’s as an awful burden. They will both be doing basic care for their child as well as working.

user402329 · 08/12/2022 22:42

Consider the Civil Service when your DD is more settled, I've heard of ex-teachers going there. It's flexible, hybrid working, often choice to be part time. You could go for HEO at around £30,000 pro rata - pay differs between departments.

Kanaloa · 08/12/2022 22:43

holidaysGalore · 08/12/2022 22:06

@Kanaloa I have an ADHD daughter myself who improved at daycare, helped with

  • Management of meltdowns
  • helped find new obsessions
  • talked non stop (here others listening not just me!!)
  • transitions were always difficult (tantrums etc) and nursery then reception supported this. It was too upsetting on my own, but these people are experienced
  • supported senseoru issues eg some foods, socks, sand, mud etc
  • helped get into better nap routine and be properly tired end of day (prompt was copying her peers)

One child with ADHD is no big deal. Many families have several. You only have one child so can focus all resources on her. Relax

Why do people keep saying it’s ‘no big deal?’ Are you the same poster who keeps reposting that? Telling a mother trying to support a ND child that it’s no big deal and she should just relax and ‘put her on meds and in daycare’ is so disgusting and ridiculous.

And while I’m glad your nursery was super supportive and helpful, the majority of preschools and nurseries in the UK can’t or don’t do that.

holidaysGalore · 08/12/2022 22:45

I live in London and know lots of children with adhd and autism
The majority with adhd receive some extra support at school and once on meds are managable
Extreme autism is the v hard one - when outside mainstream school. Some girls with autism blend in pretty well and aren't even noticeable to others (like my niece)

Both conditions have wide ranges but adhd meds are excellent

Bananarama21 · 08/12/2022 22:49

What do you think people do with mutilple dc op? I have three one with asd I do the morning school run and dh does the pick up. I think your making excuses. My ds did 30hrs who has complex needs. Me and dh are a team.if you continue you'll end up divorced. He sounds like he's at breaking point and you selfish. You could easily supply you just don't want to.

DuesToTheDirt · 08/12/2022 22:51

From the OP, this stands out to me:

Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life....
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.

Jobs aside, I think you need to review your spending priorities.

Lcb123 · 08/12/2022 22:56

being a SAHP is fine if can afford it as a family but sounds like you can’t if you are falling behind in bills. She gets her 30 free hours so you can work 30 hours a week

Iamboredandgoingforatwix · 08/12/2022 23:01

You need to use your 30 hours and find a job. I have a child in nursery with SEN and would love more time with him, so I understand, but he has to go 4 days a week so I can work. It's life and it sucks, but needs be.

MuckyPlucky · 08/12/2022 23:01

Autumndays123 · 08/12/2022 19:37

Something that I usually say on these threads too and the OP is always flabbergasted it has even been suggested - if you continue putting all the pressure on your DH, resentment will build and that resentment is the issue which causes a lot of marriages to end. What will you do then?

Either way, it would mean seeing your DD a lot less. Would he get 50/50 custody? Even if he did EOW, surely you would HAVE to work FT to afford to keep you and DD and pay childcare? So you'd see her even less than you do now? Or is your plan to become a single parent on benefits? I'm not sure how that plan would be in your daughter's best interests.

Be careful OP, you may not care about your husband's happiness but you could end up in a really miserable situation if he has enough of your unreasonable behaviour.

Sums-up my thoughts better than I could

dollytot · 08/12/2022 23:03

OP - Have a look on Outschool. You can make very good money on there if you put the time in to designing classes. You can work the hours that suit you when DD is in pre-school. That could be a solution until DD is in school on a full-time basis, and you can work better hours.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2022 23:04

I agree that he needs to pull his weight in the home more. How many full time working mothers would baulk at the idea of working full time then looking after their kids in the evening if their partner was working? Both me and DH do this all the time, we work around each other to maximise parental time spent with the kids. It will be good for his relationship with DD to have some alone time with her.

samqueens · 08/12/2022 23:05

I am completely shocked at the responses on page 1 - I can’t bear to read any more of them. OP has 6 hours “to herself” a week when her DD is at nursery and has been doing full time childcare since said DD was born. Full time childcare is work.

Agree that is seems from the original post that more income is needed, and if OP wasn’t prepared to shoulder some of the responsibility for that she would be being Unreasonable.

BUT she has said she can earn good money tutoring evenings/weekends and her H isn’t happy because then he would have to do childcare in his “time off”. What the hell is that as an attitude?! What is this magical time off of which he speaks? As a parent there’s not a whole load of time off when you need to earn and you need to care for your child, unless you’re in a potential to outsource a lot of household work.

Putting the OP in a situation of demanding she work only on his terms isn’t listening to her wants/needs nor is it prioritising his DD’s wants/needs. It is prioritising himself and it is pretty selfish.

He’s under pressure and struggling - that’s difficult, sure. But Clearly there’s a compromise to be had here eg. he does bedtime in the evenings while OP tutors/she has down time in nursery hours and doesn’t shop/cook/clean. He then gets 6 hours of down time over the weekend or part of weekend and one evening. The rest of the time it’s family time/family chores split.

Honestly OP - if the relationship is otherwise good then try to find a way forward which includes him stepping up for DD and you earning as well. But consider the relationship as a whole - this seems a very poor way for him to look at family life and your contribution to it.

samqueens · 08/12/2022 23:07

“in a position…” that should have said - not “in a potential”

marvellousmaple · 08/12/2022 23:18

Who suggested the ADHD assessment? Was it you or the nursery?

VestaTilley · 08/12/2022 23:23

You can’t afford this lifestyle. Increase DD’s days at pre school and you need to get a job in a school 3/4 days a week as a TA/cover supervisor or supply teacher.

wondersun · 08/12/2022 23:29

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

What about signing with a tutor agency for those hours. You might get some work.

Your daughter won’t be 4 for long. Find it sad that people are attacking you for wanting to be there for your daughter. Especially given your husband won’t entertain childcare on his own! If you were teaching two days you’d need at least two evenings to plan etc anyway so he’d need to over one way or another.

wondersun · 08/12/2022 23:31

samqueens · 08/12/2022 23:05

I am completely shocked at the responses on page 1 - I can’t bear to read any more of them. OP has 6 hours “to herself” a week when her DD is at nursery and has been doing full time childcare since said DD was born. Full time childcare is work.

Agree that is seems from the original post that more income is needed, and if OP wasn’t prepared to shoulder some of the responsibility for that she would be being Unreasonable.

BUT she has said she can earn good money tutoring evenings/weekends and her H isn’t happy because then he would have to do childcare in his “time off”. What the hell is that as an attitude?! What is this magical time off of which he speaks? As a parent there’s not a whole load of time off when you need to earn and you need to care for your child, unless you’re in a potential to outsource a lot of household work.

Putting the OP in a situation of demanding she work only on his terms isn’t listening to her wants/needs nor is it prioritising his DD’s wants/needs. It is prioritising himself and it is pretty selfish.

He’s under pressure and struggling - that’s difficult, sure. But Clearly there’s a compromise to be had here eg. he does bedtime in the evenings while OP tutors/she has down time in nursery hours and doesn’t shop/cook/clean. He then gets 6 hours of down time over the weekend or part of weekend and one evening. The rest of the time it’s family time/family chores split.

Honestly OP - if the relationship is otherwise good then try to find a way forward which includes him stepping up for DD and you earning as well. But consider the relationship as a whole - this seems a very poor way for him to look at family life and your contribution to it.

All of this. Couldn’t believe what I was reading either.

Namenic · 08/12/2022 23:32

agree with @samqueens

ImCindaCanning · 08/12/2022 23:34

TERRRYsnotmine · 08/12/2022 21:23

OP has massively drip fed here. There's no point of the thread everything someone suggests a solution she pops up with a bit more of the tale...

Why didn't OP state these potential SEN reasons to her DH as to why she needs to stay at home? And how DH can't manage his own DD as well as OP?

Show quote history

The hard of thinking are all over this thread. She mentioned it in her original post, but don't let the facts get in the way of you giving her a good kicking, you're obviously enjoying it....
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd

Bananarama21 · 08/12/2022 23:39

Professionals don't like to diagnosis too early because certain behaviours can be out grown for that child age. For example my son was borderline for asd aged 4 when assessed. He would smear faeces and rip the carpet up, he since out grew this behaviour . But still had mutilple meltdowns . He's now 6 and he has sensory processing disorder and the school have applied for ehcp. I still do the school run when it's a daily battle and go to work.The fact you've paid for a private assessment is very telling. The nursery would have to give information via the NHS and the child would need to be accepted based on the information provided.

cherish123 · 08/12/2022 23:43

When your child is at school, there is no actual "need" for you to be at home. Why should he work to keep you. However, with a young child I would not work full-time as a teacher. Could you both work part-time? Or you could do 2-3 days per week?

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 08/12/2022 23:52

Why has she only just started preschool a few mornings at 4? Is that the norm in England?