He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I dobt know what you expected from your post? Sympathy sisterhood.

You are really taking advantage.

If that was your husband at hone and you working how would you feel.

Do your share.

OP won't let him step up. She has admitted she takes over when she sees DH parenting. She said herself she learned techniques to deal with DD, she isn't giving her daughters father a chance to do the same. Yes sometimes it's easier to step in and deal with things yourself, but the same people that do that are the ones that makes threads about their DHs not stepping up!

Op are you worried about going back to work? It’s common to lose confidence after such a long time without going out to work

Oh come on he’s being a true shit tbh your little girl needs you and once she starts school sure enough get into work. Tell him that’s the time and till then you want to focus on yr DD. I would tell him to F off too for good measure. Till then just spend less. He can’t tell you when the time is right for you. And you are working your arse off. Sorry for the bad language but he was starting to sh*T me off with his moaning. There are plenty of jobs out there in Tes that do tutoring during school hours. Try that instead. Lots of private schools look for this. Good luck.

One in one academic tutoring in English maths etc. give it time and tell him to stop being a shit.

Dd is in three mornings per week, during that time I do all shopping and cleaning. I do every single thing in the house at present. I’ve also said if I did work, it wouldn’t be like that anymore, life would become harder and if she was ill etc, it wouldn’t be just me leaving work and it wouldn’t be just me cooking every dinner and doing all good shops and cleaning

Oh come on. 3 mornings a week? My husband and I both work full time, long hours, and we manage to get the shopping and cleaning done. And manage when our kids were ill. I'd be annoyed too if I were him. She's 4 years old, not 4 months old, and will be in school full time in a few months anyway, surely?? She's surely entitled to her 30 free childcare hours, so why can't you put her in for those hours and work then, maybe supply teaching- schools are desperate?

YANBU but have you thought about online tutoring? My brother did something similar and just chose the hours that suited him around his regular job. Could you look into setting that up over the hours your daughter is already in nursery?

@Autumndays123 its 9.30-11.30.
By the time you get back from drop off 9.45 leave again to collect at 11.15. That’s an hour and a half. Which she uses to catch up on cleaning and shopping. Hardly and entire half day to herself.

The DH has all evening since he clearly does help with the DD in the evening.

@Kanaloa I have an ADHD daughter myself who improved at daycare, helped with

• Management of meltdowns
• helped find new obsessions
• talked non stop (here others listening not just me!!)
• transitions were always difficult (tantrums etc) and nursery then reception supported this. It was too upsetting on my own, but these people are experienced
• supported senseoru issues eg some foods, socks, sand, mud etc
• helped get into better nap routine and be properly tired end of day (prompt was copying her peers)

One child with ADHD is no big deal. Many families have several. You only have one child so can focus all resources on her. Relax

Just a word of warning, if he thinks working 9-5pm is hard enough, deserves all those evenings & weekends break. Most likely you still have to do everything that you are doing right now on top of going to work. You will be amazed how many dads think like that.

For them it's work and leisure
For us , it's work, someone who sort out the childcare and everything in the house.

Of course, not all dad's are like this.

Make sure you come up with some agreement of responsibilities if you decide to go back to work.

I would agree with this, except the OP has mentioned going private which may mean her dd hasn't been referred through nursery or HV. Of course she may have been, and be on a long waiting list, but I think the OP has only mentioned a private referral.

There is a reasonable chance that at least one of the child's parents has ADHD if their dc does, which would be another factor in the situation.

It’s very competitive on here ‘ I work all hours under the sun with 3 children under the age of 3 therefore that is what everyone should aspire to. ‘ Not appreciating everyone’ situations are different.

With an unhelpful DH I would not be running myself ragged and adding stress to the family. Even if he does help out - his life changes - no sitting down when he gets home at 5 - he’d need to step up. He’d need to help cover holidays. Illness. Cleaning/ cooking.

I don’t think he realises that an hour or so the odd evening and weekend would be preferable to actually stepping up and doing his share with regards to everything.

The trouble is some of them never actually make the effort to learn. I'm ashamed that I've let my kids endure years of piss-poor parenting by my DH and only recently realised that sometimes I literally have to spell it out for him as he won't take the time to educate himself. In the past I've tried not to undermine him, but he's been a dad for nearly 11 years now and still doesn't realise he is capable of regulating his own behaviour and emotions. I wouldn't accept anyone else treating my kids that way, so he doesn't get away with it either. It's improved my relationship with them and he is finally learning.

Well how about he parent his child in the evening and weekends then? The OP earns some money, they don’t have to pay for childcare and the DP gets to parent too.

It’s almost like the OP hasn’t suggested this. I’m sure she’d love him to parent..

This

This is the most infuriating thread Ive read.
You are both being very unreasonable.
Whilst i think its lovely you want to spend all of your time with your daughter and do whats best for her, its clearly not feasible.
Life isnt just about your daughter, it's about you and your DH too. You matter as does he.
You seem to be playing the victim by saying he is blaming you. It quite clear its actually the other way round.
Saying the gas bill would have been paid if he hadnt taken 2 days off! Placing blame on him when you are not contributing financially is poor.

He may not have articulated it very well, but he is clearly struggling and/or not happy with the situation. If he wants to spend a little of his hard earned salary on wine/whiskey/boys toys/haribo so be it. Hes earned it. You should not begrudge him that.
Just because you are happy to go without, doesnt mean he is.

HOWEVER, I think he is being ridiculous saying that he cant be expected to work a full day and then do the evenings childcare. Surely thats exactly what you would be doing!? Dinner, bath and bed is usually the easiest bit (but forgive me if this isnt the case with possible ND).
Maybe you could come to an agreement that you dont start tutoring until 7pm so he gets to wind down after work, then does bedtime only.
Maybe your daughter goes to nursery 3 full days,whilst you work, you could greatly add to your household budget with this.

I do think that before you get any job, the pair of you need to sit down and write down expectations vs reality.

There is nothing worse than someone going back to work, but still carrying the full burden of the household. Whats even more annoying is the person working more hours using the line: but I work more.

If you went back to work 3 days a week for instance, i would split it like this:
3 days - you do the morning routine
2 days - husband does the morning routine
Your husband does the shopping, you still do lunch and dinner Monday - to Friday
Saturday food is on you
Sunday food is on your DH
Cleaning is split fairly.
The bills should be done by whoever doesnt mind doing it.
Bedtimes is whatever you both decide. Maybe take it in turns.
What my brother and sister on law do is one does the morning routine and the other does the evening routine.

I dont think all the financial burden should be on your husband, and you should be talking this through honestly.

But an hour or so the odd evening would earn the OP, what - £40 or £50? Is that enough to make it worthwhile, when a full day at work would make double that?
I also suspect the OP would be quicker to go back to work if she wasn't a teacher. The thought of returning to a school after a long break from it is not a pleasant one, and I am not unsympathetic.

With DD being 4 I'm sure you can get back to work.

This is testing time for everyone's finances.

I assume tutoring is £20 an hour, so even 2 hours 5 evenings is £200 a week. X 40 weeks a year is £8k. Thats not nothing.
Even TEFL WFH would work as there is no commute and she could fit itin during the day whilst DD is at nursery, and then in the evenings.

By all accounts, and I've heard many, they're one and the same nowadays. Happy trolling!

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

this op

Or, work one day a week as a teacher which would have far less an impact on the whole family, and you'd earn £8000 a year.

Teachers are in great demand. Fact.
You could choose your part time hours.
You could employ a cleaner and still be quids in, and able to spend quality time with your DC when at home. Cleaners here are (£12:50 per hour)
Work as a team because that’s what marriage is.
If/when your DH can take no more pressure you may wish you had been more of a team player. He’s not coping!

You need to do your tutoring during school hours and tern time don’t settle for anything else

I agree, but i was just trying to think how she could fit it around the childcare she has now, as op seems to be reluctant to change them.