He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I can absolutely see why, but there are good reasons to wait and get an NHS diagnosis if you're thinking of a support system for your DD. (Speaking from experience). She's also very young for a diagnosis - so much behaviour which could be ADHD/ASD could also just be standard young child behaviour. It's only when they're at bit older that you can tell the difference.

He can't have it all ways here, he wants you to work to earn money, but not tutoring on an evening/weekend so you can earn money and be with your daughter. Is it likely this doesn't work for him because he will have to pick up some slack at home?

If it's not ADHD - her behaviour could improve at more daycare. Sorry but poor parenting is often the root cause, not adhd. Appreciate no one wants to hear this, but could help you a lot if it is the case

Your daughter will also be more tired, which would help with sleep / routine.

Just agree chores with DH. It's no big deal. Every family does housework for usually one whole day at the weekend. That's life

Exactly this. Another positive outcome from you going to work precisely when you can is that DH will be forced to step up with the parenting and it will give them an opportunity to build their own relationship together.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts I wish you and DD well going forward, I appreciate it all feels uncertain.

I think this post sums up the OP to a T. She doesn't like seeing her DD upset so 'takes over' when DH is trying to parent.

OP you're damaging not only your own relationship, but the one between your DH and DD too. You're also not parenting in what is an effective and as harsh as it sounds, a 'good' way. The mollycoddling and controlling parent never results in a well rounded and functional child. Leave your daughter be. Let your DH be her parent too.

Only doing mornings means its not very practical for picking up a part time job. It is lovely staying at home with little ones, life is so much less stressful when you can do the cleaning/washing/food shopping in the day (also loved staying at home when they were little), but presumably she will be starting school in September next year? It may be a good idea to do a couple of full days to prepare her for school and you could then easily pick up a part time job a couple of days a week and still have plenty of time at home in the week.

I haven’t read all the posts but I would post on the SEN boards, OP - unless someone has a child with SEN/undiagnosed SEN they just won’t understand the pressures of your situation. It is so easy to judge from outside. My DD is 7 and I still haven’t gone back to work (we are lucky that I can afford not to but I would love nothing more than to feel like me again and utilise my brain/skills). DD also very likely has ADHD and possibly ASD, ODD and RAD too and it is physically impossible for me to work. No one will take on the childcare that we would need because of her behaviour and I have numerous meetings to attend, forms to fill in, the list just never ends.

Wow, I must refer our doctor to you. By the way, having worked at nurseries for years, I’ve never met a ND child (and this child almost certainly is if they’re referred at age 4) who was suddenly improved by ‘more daycare.’ I wonder what will help this child learn to cope with the world - well what about an overwhelming environment with difficult challenges and an eighth of the adult attention and support? Yeah, that’ll probably help.

And organising chores obviously is a ‘big deal,’ because this is a man who point blank refuses to look after his child while his wife works. He thinks he’s ‘working his arse off’ in a 9-5 job with absolutely no responsibilities outside work, and feels it’s unfair that he might be asked to parent his child while his wife tries to go back to work.

Yes, op is stopping him being her parent by… asking him to take over childcare while she works… which he is refusing to do.

If he was so desperate to parent then he’d agree to, you know… parent.

Of course that's true in an ideal scenario, but it seems like her DH isn't on board and like I said, she may need to spell it out for him as I have to with mine. Having said that, if he's not willing to care for their DD on his own, perhaps that's indicative of what they're dealing with. Either that or he's just a regular selfish ar*e.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts This is what I thought tbh. I have been in your shoes. Dealing with a ND child’s meltdowns alone because my Ex couldn’t step up without making things worse. Usually he was too tired or the meltdown was because I had spoiled DS and DS needed more discipline etc. I tried to start a conversation so many times about DS needs but we got nowhere and nothing changed. I took work that had the flexibility needed to suit DS, this wasn’t good enough for Ex as it didn’t pay enough but his job was too important to take time off for appointments or when DS had to be collected early.
Your DH needs to really understand what is going on with your DD if you are going to figure a way through this. If you can do this the rest will work itself out.

OP has massively drip fed here. There's no point of the thread everything someone suggests a solution she pops up with a bit more of the tale...

Why didn't OP state these potential SEN reasons to her DH as to why she needs to stay at home? And how DH can't manage his own DD as well as OP?

It's pretty obvious that OP is suggesting the night job because she knows her DH doesn't want her to. That would mean her DH works full time, comes home and does tea, bath and bed every night whilst OP has half of each day to herself, a few hours with DD then tutoring for a couple of hours bringing in a grand total of £30 odd a day after petrol costs. He knows the plan means he will get zero free time and she knows he will decline because it makes his life even harder.

OP needs to be an adult and get a job, put DD in nursery and get on with it. What is she going to do in 9 months when DD is full time? Just opt out of school?

Yanbu

He needs to start pulling his weight doing chores and looking after your own child is not babysitting which it comes across as what he thinks it is.

Also holiday is paid! You get the same as when you work so I don’t see how he doesn’t get paid on those days unless he is lying to you about it or taking unnecessary unpaid leave!

If he wants you to work and you get the best pay for least time worked in the evenings and weekends as tutoring pays vastly more than teaching in a school then he has to put his big boy pants on and put some work into the house and his child!

If both work, both do childcare and chores!

Yabu

She hasn’t said she’ll only do a few hours tutor work - she’s said she’ll do anything in evenings/at weekends. And yes, he’ll have to come home from work and feed and care for his child. And op will care for her child then go out to work. Like literally everyone else does. If op worked during the day he’d still need to come home and care for his child.

Why is op having ‘a few hours with dd’ but her husband is ‘having to do tea, bath, and bed.’ Maybe DH will be having ‘a few hours with dd.’ Or op will be ‘having to do school runs and medical appointments plus lunch and breakfast.’

Half of each day to herself? With a pre-schooler? And a DH who does nothing round the house.

Tutoring would be for about an hour or so (she could even do it from home) I’m pretty sure her DH who does naff all around the house could stick the DD in front of the TV if he felt he couldn’t possibly cope. After that full on 9-5 job. He must need to put his feet up all night.

Are you suggesting he never puts his daughter to bed because putting a 4 year old to bed is such hard work?

She’s also said she will work more when her DD is in school. No talk of opting out. Read the thread maybe.

so he wants you to work, do all housework, life admin and parenting?
While he goes to work and does nothing else?

um no. He is being unreasonable on that part.

There needs to be a compromise. either he does 4 days a week and you do 3? and split everything 50/50 including housework

he needs a reality check, but i agree you need to work finance wise.

I think it’s more nuanced than this. Yes DH has resisted looking after DD in the evenings but regardless - he should. She would be doing them both a favour by working in the evenings. By only every saying that DH “can’t look after DD” the DH is getting away with not looking after DD. OP doing that means DH never has to step up - it suits them both that this is the status quo in this regard.

Because DD is in nursery until 12, home and then they have a few hours together before DH does tea, bath and bed. What's complicated about that?

The DD is in nursery until 12 - hence half the day to herself

I think a serious conversation needs to be had. I understand where your DH is coming from. Can you not see things from his point of view? He must be fed up being the only parent with a paying job and you are clearly struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes the only way to tolerate work is to have something to look forward to - and what has he got?

You also need to teach him to manage your DD's behaviour instead of jumping in all the time. It's not surprising in a way that he doesn't want to look after her while you work because you make it clear that you don't think he is up to the job. On the other hand, you are at home with DD enabling him to work, so he must do the same for you.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't go back to teaching, even part-time because it's probably one of the most family friendly careers there is.

How long do you propose to spend your life barely getting back, when there's a way you could improve all of your lives as a family? Experiences/holidays - all of those things would benefit all three of you.

I am not an expert on SEN by any means but would your DD benefit in the medium term from not being helicoptered by you most of the time?

I disagree with your first paragraph. I have 2 ND children and they both improved massively at nursery. They benefited from the more rigid structure, they had access to sensory activities that I couldn't provide for them. My DS's nursery was part of his school, so transitioning to school was easy as he already knew all the teachers and many of the kids.

Totally agree with your second. This bloke clearly thinks his wife should work and do all the chores. While he does fuck all because he's been working so hard.

I actually don’t get a lot of the discussion/ disagreement here. We all agree:

Op should work.
That working evenings would be best for OP and her DD.
That working evenings would mean DH has to step up.
That might lead to a more positive relationship for DH and DD.

Yet we all - OP included - seem stuck on the fact that DH won’t. And that’s it.

Op I’ve said it before on this thread - just go and work the hours you want. Just because he doesn’t want you to shouldn’t stop you - because you’re doing something he doesn’t want to you right now, and that doesn’t seem to be a problem for you.

So just go and start making moves to working 🤷🏻‍♀️