He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I don’t think people are comprehending either how challenging a child’s needs are if they’re referred for diagnosis in preschool. I‘ve known kids with extremely obvious needs who still aren’t diagnosed till after that. A stranger in the street could have told you my son was autistic and he still didn’t get a diagnosis until near end of reception - and this was a child who obviously struggled terrible. To suggest the child is basically fine, it’s just PFB and she just needs to be resilient so her dad doesn’t have to care for her while mum works is ridiculous.

You only want to work the hours your child is at nursery
Riiiiight. More yea but,no but,oh you see. What well paid job fits around nursery half days

So your DH works but doesn't want to offer childcare so you can work? When my kids were small, my DH was at home with them and I worked. Guess who got the kids when they got home? Yeah, me and I had both kids all weekend.

I don't think you are being unreasonable based on my experience, men want to have their cake and eat it.

If your DD is special needs, you will be able to claim DLA/PIP for her. This will add some extra money to the coffers, but it might not be enough.

Is your DH self employed? He might be better off employed.

Ref your quals, have you considered other jobs in the education sector? New product development etc? You need an employer that allows wfh so your DD can be home whilst you work, though you may need to work a few hours into the evening to make up your hours.

I def think your DH is complaining about the wrong thing. Having nothing at the end of the month is a position many families would take right now vs having -ve money. But you def don't want to get to -ve money.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

OP assuming you are still reading this you might not be aware that if your dd has SENs that impacts her cares need you might be able to claim financial support. It could be anything up to £600 per month (unlikely you would get the full allowance as it is about physical difficulties as well.) There is a 40 page assessment but she doesn’t need to be formally diagnosed yet although it will help.

Yeah not withstanding what is going on with the OP, there is a lot of ignorance on this thread about the reality of SEN. People saying go back to work etc but the reality for parents of a SEN child with complex and significant needs is that it takes years and years to get suitable educational provision in place if it is even managed at all, and for those years it is impossible to work like parents of NT DC can.

I know. Which is why I have said she needs to think more creatively/laterally about it.
The trouble is that lots of other posters have latched on to the idea of evening/weekend tutoring as well, reinforcing the idea that it’s the only option…when it isn’t.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts you can tutor in the daytime, in the week. As many or as few hours as you want. I have a lot of experience of this. Believe me when I say it can be done.

@Zone2NorthLondon I don’t want to have to subject her to more hours at pre school at the moment until we have help/support for her! This is my main aim, I will do anything else around this to bring in money, working online the two hours Shes at present school if nursery, working every weeknight and all weekend if needed!

I’ve shelved it all for Dd, and that was my choice yes

Herein lies part of the problem. It was your choice, not your husband's.

Beware of prioritising your child at the expense of your relationship (unless you'd be happy for it just to be you and her). It's a slippery slope. Of course you love her more than you love him (it would be weird if you didn't), but you and he need to be a partnership and make these decisions together.

It's also a mistake to give your child everything and end up behind with bills (even if you can then catch up again). No child needs to feel that they are the only person in the family who matters.

@Angelil Did you do this online? Please could you send me details? Are you able to choose hours? I’ve tried to do it with Dd at home, but it’s completely impossible

You appear,from your op,to be putting your dd and yourself before your dh and perhaps that is the case and he realises it.
A serious talk between the two of you about logistics,pay,dd possible adhd,and see what would work best for all of you.
Supplying your child with endless material goods whilst your dh works and shoulders all the financial side alone is unfair although he has to understand he must care for his daughter when you are working,he cannot have it all his own way!
good luck with this I hope you find a happy compromise.💐

Inevitability this will cause problems in your relationship,it’s like an inevitable collision
the way waiting lists and service demand are you’ll likely not get an assessment until your dd is 6ish
Going forward. There needs to be frank discussion as you both want very different things

Yes, yes and yes. As mentioned I did it for 9 months full time but you could easily do less. You choose your clients and your hours and set your price. They were the best agency I worked for during that time by a long way (and I worked for 3-4 different ones). I will try to send you a PM now.

Well why don’t you just do that then, and when he complains that you working those hours means he doesn’t get down time, just tell him he can’t have it both ways 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tutor in the evenings, weekends if possible, find a shop job or something. Once he starts being relieved of some of the financial burden, you may find some positives come out of your family step up not being so polarised of those that work and those that look after DD. A mix of both roles means you’d both understand each others perspectives more.

You say you want to work, so just go do it then?

As a family, you are struggling financially. You can’t really afford to be a stay at home parent.
but what planet does your DP live on if he thinks he is working his arse off 9-5, no childcare and no household duties?
he can’t really have his cake and eat it.
what is his solution?

I have read all of the OPs posts.. And I keep coming back to the same.. You can't afford to be at home and to be out of work. Your DH is shouldering the financial burden.

But this is literally every family with 2 working parents. Dh or I don’t do the shopping or cleaning or washing during the day, because we’re working. We both need to alternate who takes off for sickness. We clean and sort the house after work and on the weekends. The advantage is that we are financially comfortable and both shoulder the burden of paying for it all.

If I hadn't locked in our energy rates for 2 years last year, then yes, we would be. We have a big credit card debt at a ridiculous rate, but its in his name only and he won't do anything about it.

OP specifically said that her DH took 2 days off without pay, meaning they couldn't pay the bill. She basically said he wants her to go back to work so that he can spend 'his' money on himself.

What everyone seems to have missed is that SHE was the higher earner and saved up before having their DD and now he's fed up of being the responsible one. I've not been in that particular position, but my DH is older than me and I know he's counting on me working going forward to fund his retirement.

What are you doing to get that help and support?

@Rollingupahill She’s going in for her first assessment the first week of January, we’re just waiting, I’ve saved to pay private for that.

I think there are multiple issues:

1. you can’t pay bills and you seem to be minimising that and also putting your husband down for taking annual leave and weekends which is unreasonable

2. if you have offered to do tutoring he needs to stop complaining and do something for his child of an evening. Even 1-2 evenings might tide you over.

how much is he earning? I don’t think you’ve said but it’s a different predicament if he's
earning £25k or a high earner. I also think it’s unhelpful for people to say you’ll get
30 free hours. You would likely get 30 subsidised hours which is quite different. Unless you could be sure re supply work for example, it would be risky to do full days if you know there is a cost attached and your DD might not cope yet.

Something clearly has to give but it seems
like both of you need to budge a little.

I am seeing both sides here. Being a one income family should be a joint decision, however if your child is struggling right now it makes it very difficult to go back to work FT. It can be very difficult to find childcare for an SEN child. Especially if they are getting overwhelmed by nursery. Very few people other then parents can deal with an overstimulated child’s meltdowns.

I was kinda on your DH side until I saw he won’t parent his own child in the evenings or weekends to allow you to bring in extra income for the family. This makes me think he has taken a backseat and allowed you to do all the heavy lifting with regards parenting your DD. Does he parent her? I don’t mean play with her every now and again but actually parent her by putting her to bed, bath time, calm her when she is overwhelmed etc.

@Crunchingleaf He tries but lacks patience or understanding at times, I’m the only one who can really deal with her when her behaviour is challenging. It’s really hard and I understand he’s tired after work etc, so I tend to just take over most of it as I don’t want her being upset, she can’t he’ll the way she gets at times and it’s difficult to be around, I’ve learnt how to calmly deal with it and help her

Thank you for responding. I totally appreciate you may well know this but jic support is needs led not diagnosis lead so unless DC gets medication and that is sufficient (in any event medication for ADHD normally doesn't start until 6 or perhaps 5), a diagnosis will not necessarily lead to additional support at school

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

Sorry OP, I wasn't implying that you do, I meant that your husband clearly sees the weekend as his free time and doesn't want to look after your child during it, so I'm guessing you're doing that now.

And your DH won't learn that unless you give him a chance to!