He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I think husband is being unreasonable
op has said she will work some evenings & weekends .. what’s the worst that could happen the husband has to put his own child to bed a few times a week? He needs to man up and take over childcare whist op is at work as she does when he is

Lots of wools have gotten Ben great suggestions and every one has been shot down. At this point OP just wants everyone to agree and sympathise with her.

A cheap babysitter would be half of what you earned tutoring so you can work evenings/weekends. Except you won’t, will you?

I mean, I get that you probably think your DH should support you now as you have supported him. Except it didn’t turn out that way, there’s a cost of living crisis and everyone is doing all they can.

I don’t really want to work extremely long hours and I miss the interaction with my kids. But if I get into debt because I didn’t try harder, I will regret it more. It is gruelling never getting a break. What we “should” get has got me out of the window and I really think you should compromise on this.

It’s the inflexibility and not listening to what people say, including your DH.

I had a relationship with someone who had objections to everything all the time and could only ever do what they wanted. It didn’t last.

As mentioned, there are plenty of ways to tutor in the daytime.

*lots of posters have given great ideas

She worked tutoring when her baby was a newborn so it’s not 4 years. She had a redundancy and savings (being the higher earner for most of their relationship) so was contributing financially. I’m guessing she has experience of what he was like when she was struggling to look after a baby all day, (and the rest) then work in the evening the do all the night feeds. If he’d been a big help then I’m sure she may feel differently.

OP, you are prioritising your DD. If DH is rejecting your suggestions regarding you working (evenings etc) what is he actually suggesting? And why can’t it wait until next September. If DD is struggling then more childcare for her is not the right way forward at this point. Good luck. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing

How severe is the adhd? If a standard nursery will have her and she'll probably soon be medicated, I'd chill out. 1/6 kids have adhd or autism and most parents work FT

I work FT forever and have 3 kids (not just 1!) and 1 has ADHD. You get on with it.

Go back teaching as supply 3 days and just extend the nursery.

I know so many men who've had affairs or left lazy women that won't work. Don't leave him seething as I don't know any men that's put up with this! Life is expensive SAHM only exist in the 1990s, farms or poor parts of the U.K.

You've enjoyed 4 years, apply for jobs while sorting the diagnosis and medication. It's no big deal.

You could also say that he values some financial stability in what looks like an upcoming recession while she's blindly squandering money they don't have on things that the family don't really need (referring to the "wanting for nothing" part of the OP)

I don't agree with this way of framing it either, but lets try for a bit of balance please.

He wants you to work but isn't prepared to spend time with his own child to facilitate it?

He's an *rse!

As mentioned, there are plenty of ways to tutor in the daytime.

yes, but OP is focused on the idea that she works in the evening/weekend or she doesn't work at all.

The ADHD has not even been confirmed, its a mere possibility.

I don’t know, we’re only hearing her side and the language she uses is very telling. Some people find it very difficult to get back into work when they’ve been off for a long time, my dad was made redundant and took a year off job hunting as they could afford to rely on his redundancy and he just couldn’t face going back to work again. He worked his entire life from 15 to 55, so he’s not lazy by any means, but he was full of excuses when it came to finding another job. Without hearing her husband’s side it’s difficult to know whether he would be unwilling to do more or whether it’s a convenient excuse for OP.

The amount of people on this thread who haven't actually read the OP properly and clearly have major prejudice against SAHPs is astounding! OP, YANBU. I'm a SAHM & I've got 3 ND kids. I know what it's like to be at home with an ND child, I know what it's like to have an ND child who hates pre-school and I know what it's like to be married to a man-child like your DH, because I have one too.

My DH is a contractor and only gets paid when he works. He made this choice (shock horror) without really consulting me because, in theory, he earns more. After years of him moaning about money, I recently began looking for work as my youngest started school, but once he realised that he was going to have to be somewhat flexible to enable me to work (he wfh, no set hours) he mysteriously changed his tune.

Your DD's needs come first and things will only be harder for everyone if you ignore them. He is a father, when his child's needs are met he can do what he wants, but until then he is an adult and he needs to behave like one. I've only recently realised that I literally have to remind my DH of this, in those actual words and he's 43! You are your DD's advocate, she needs you to speak up for her and sometimes that means within your own family.

Perhaps the question should be what would HE do, if you buggered off and left him with DD, cos my DH would be f*cked and most importantly, he knows it!

This all boils down to for me on whether the DC has significant SEN or not. And the OP hasn't really said.

I would be interested to know what the DH thinks about OPs concerns about potential SEN. Does he respond that they are overblown or that he will do more to help with them, or what? Surely that point must have been discussed.

There is so much the OP hasn't said. Obviously up to OP what to disclose but means there is a lot of noise on this thread but not enough facts, which I think is pointless

I think it also boils down to being financially stable and OP has said they don't have money for some bills and fall behind on payments!

She did say she'd been referred for assessment and in my experience they wouldn't do that for ADHD until 6, unless it was very significant.

Just take the evening/weekend work then.

He can moan about looking after his child but he'll just have to do it if you're not there.
Same for dinner/housework...he can complain all he likes, you'll be at work.

Were you struggling to pay bills though? You have 3 kids and OP has one.

Paying bills is not a luxury it's a necessity.

Thing is you might not have a marriage soon if you don’t compromise. Then you will be expected to work. You have had 4 years at home. I had one year then back to work. It’s not fair to expect one adult to financially support a house in 2022 and the other to be at home with a four year old if financially they need the money.

You’re simply being avoidant of working,making up reasons to not work
It is not Blenheim estate it’s a regular house it doesn’t need days end of cleaning ,shopping etc
Get groceries online and a system going to keep on top your chores
plus if you’re out working all week and dd is in nursery there less to do

other women hold down FT jobs and have children you can too

Yes that is also my experience, and also that there may be other difficulties in addition to ADHD. In that scenario, the OP and DH may always have do more intense childcare and advocacy, although obviously it can be split up between them in many ways, rather than the OP being at home and the DH working.

Surely if you tutor a few evening a week then your DDs father on has to parent her for a couple of hours before bed, if he doesn't finish until 17.00 isn't your DD in bed not long after.

And if you got to work full time, he will have to parent his child of an evening, and help with the cleaning, making tea, washing, ironing etc as you will have worked all day so he can share the load evenly.

The problem is he is feeling the stress of financially juggling and keeping you afloat, that's too much for one person who doesn't want it. So I feel for him with that, but dictating when you work won't help.

Have you sat down together and worked out how much more money needs to come into the home?
Have you shown how much can be brought in by tutoring vs part time teaching ?
Does he get involved with your DDs preschool and how she is actually coping (or not as the case is).

Having a child that simply can't cope with full time preschool is hard, especially when your DH can't see that.
What strategies does he suggest if she goes full time preschool and can't cope, how does he plan to emotionally support her so she doesn't have a absolutely horid year?

Just get your kid on meds ASAP and work full time while sorting all medical issues and diagnosis and school support and doing all housework and childcare so your husband doesn’t cheat on you. It’s no big deal. He needs to be able to work his 9-5 then relax and have no home responsibilities while you work whatever hours he wants you to and do everything else on top.

@sheepdogdelight No, happy to work in the week if I can do it in the hours Dd at pre school, most definitely

What job do u have in your head that is 9.30 - 11.30 a few days a weeks!?