He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

Hi OP, haven't read all the comments, only yours. Seems you're getting a rough time.

Maybe other posers need reminding that it is highly likely the OP's child is not NT, and therefore needs extra support. The OP is quite rightly putting her child's NEEDS ahead of everything else.

You have a viable option for earning money, that you want to do, but can't because your OH says no, but then he complains about you not working? This just makes no sense to me.

I think you'd be hard pressed to find ANY family that weren't having to make huge sacrifices to accommodate looking after young children. Don't most parents of pre school children have to be ships that cross in the night, or work to give most of one wage to a nursery? Yes, working all day 9 - 5 then coming home and having to parent is hard, but, that's life, he REALLY needs to suck it up and either stop complaining or do his share of the parenting so you can work.

I think you are right to be wary of what will happen once your daughter is in school and you can work full time. You really need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him. Firstly, reminding him that you are in fact working by raising your child, and secondly establishing a clear division of labour once your return to paid work.

Good luck

So he wants you to work but only when it suits him? And he doesn't care that you have a dd with SN who would really benefit from having you around?

I have no idea why you're getting such a hard time. he sounds like the only person he cares about in all this is himself.

Honestly I just think you’re finding excuse after excuse not to work. There are plenty of jobs out there, you may need to send your DD 2/3 full days a week. You then sit down with DH and come up with a routine for pick ups/housework etc. Not everyone has the luxury of time to themselves to shop, do housework and pay bills (Surely they are just a Direct debit though so I’m not sure how long paying bill’s actually takes?)
I’m a single mum of 3 DC, 2 are under 5. I work 6 days a week and find time to do all the things you need your free time to do

I would have found being at work easier than being at home with a toddler/pre-schooler. Especially if there was someone at home doing all the cleaning/shopping/ childcare/pick ups/ cooking.

Actually sitting at a desk, having a cup of tea, grown up conversation, no drudgery at home
as someone else has already done it. Dinner cooked and kids looked after when you get home as you couldn’t possibly do any childcare after a full day of work…
sounds like the dream.

The only stressful part is being the sole earner. But that’s temporary and only for a few more months.

Is she really not coping though or is this just regular tears and tantrums on starting nursery and you’ve blown it up to be a huge thing to justify not working? When did you first try booking her in for settling in sessions? What’s her specific issue?

Sounds like the main problem is you and your DH have different values.

You are prepared to have less for yourself and make do in order to cushion your DD - you put her first.

He wants his treats/luxuries back and not have to do any extra outside of 9-5, ie the pre-kid era.

You won’t solve this unless you’re both willing to have a very honest talk and real compromise.

It shouldn't be "all about" DD. That's not a healthy perspective. It won't do DD much good in the long run, and it certainly won't do the adults much good.

Thing is, there is currently less pressure on her DH than there was before dd was born.

I was the one who went back to work while dh stayed home. For two years, I worked the same hours that I always had, but now... DH did 80% of the cleaning, 90% of the food shopping and meal planning, all household admin, and of course most of the childcare. Sure, I cooked when I got home and I took over with dc in the evenings, cuz I'm not a jerk.

But there is no denying that except for the financial squeeze - and we both felt that - my life was easier because it was like I had a support team at home. We didn't spend Saturdays cleaning and shopping. Dh worked it all in during the week.

It was great!

Then of course dh went back to work and we scrambled like every family with 2 FT earners. I long for the days he was at home! (But I prefer our financial situation with 2 wages!)

Sounds like your DH is crying out for help. You can't begrudge him not working overtime if you're not working at all. It's a lot of stress to put on one person. Most mum's would rather not work until children are at school, but most families can't afford to.

It's one thing working overtime because your family really needs you to. It's another thing when your spouse expects you to do so because they want to stay at home all day and take DD on expensive days out. That kind of unfairness is corrosive.

So your dh thinks that he can work 9 to 5 and then have nice restful non working evenings as you look after your child, working in non paid activity, in the day and in the evening. He’s being unreasonable. He can work in the day and then look after his child whilst you work in the evenings after doing childcare in the day. Don’t ask just tell him that’s how it’s going to be.

As someone who's been in this position, this is BS. My older DS hated pre-school with a passion, summer term of pre-school he was down to 2 afternoons a week and under the SendCo because of behavioural issues. Once at school he loved the routine and the academic work and was like a completely different child. Not saying it will be the case for OPs DD, but you never know and a year is a massive amount of time for a child that age, especially with ND.

Go to work m8.

youre a teacher not a martyr

I think it’s only people with easy office jobs can say this. Not stressful busy NHS ones!

Exactly this.

What's gonna happen if he's unwell to work, done illness for ie?
How are you gonna cope with upcoming bills etc?

This

I would be more on OP’s side if it wasn’t for the comments about her DH “only” working full time and her resenting him taking a few days of annual leave and not working extra hours evenings and weekends. That’s remarkably entitled considering she hasn’t worked for four years and is refusing to work more than a few hours herself despite being entitled to 30 hours free child care.

I think she’s making a lot of assumptions (which suit her to make) about what would happen if she worked, based around him not doing much childcare and housework for the past four years, but surely that is because as a SAHM that was primarily her role? What was he like before her daughter was born? They’ve been together for 26 years, if he was lazy when they were child free she would have a point, but she only refers to the last four years when she argues he wouldn’t do any housework or childcare if she returned to work, which is telling.

The facts are that they are barely getting by financially, her husband is miserable and quite rightly isn’t keen on the idea of her working only evenings/weekends as that means he has to work full time and then be solely responsible for the childcare and housework in his spare time. Their daughter will soon be attending school full time, so the most sensible option is to increase her hours at pre school and for OP to get a part time job. I can’t figure out whether OP is being precious about her daughter not being able to manage more hours (she’s going to have anyway next year when she’s at school all day) or whether it’s a convenient excuse to avoid having to go back to work. Ultimately, it’s not fair on her husband to continue to be the sole earner when they are late paying bills, have no spare cash and there’s 30 hours of childcare available enabling OP to go back to work.

I seriously wonder whether some of these posters have ever had children. Looking after one child (particularly your own child whom you love) is absolutely not the equivalent of doing a full time job. Some people even enjoy being with their children and deciding what to do with them. I suspect that OP is one of them.

No one on here really knows how bad your daughter’s needs are OP so it’s difficult to comment. But I would just add to those saying ‘go back to teaching’ that teaching can be really demanding and requires lots of prep, marking etc. and if you don’t want to be a teacher anymore that’s fair enough - lots of mums I know took a career change after kids. There are other types of jobs you could do freelance or part time OP like marking coursework, exam invigilation, or something completely new!

Thanks @gannett . I have a small child too and it honestly worked really well. I tutored 9-5 with an hour off for lunch and made much more than £20/h too. The OP could even do fewer hours than that and still make a tidy sum.

Agree with this

Anyway you can hardly say you are doing ok on one salary OP when you also say you fall behind with bills. It's not unreasonable to expect you to go back to work after 4 years especially with the cost of living

But as I have pointed out, there are also ways to tutor in the day if the OP just thinks a bit more laterally about it. I did. For 9 months. With a 2-year-old.

Or they could utilise the 30 hours free childcare and OP could work during the week same as her husband. They could then jointly share childcare and housework outside of those hours.

Yes this is true. Though I still found my stressful sales job easier than being at home with 2 young kids. And more fun. But one where you’re on your feet all day with lots of stress no that’s not easy.

I don’t think the DH has a busy, stressful NHS job though. And he does have everything done for him so he can come home and relax from 5.

I'm curious as to how much work OP thinks she can do from evening and weekend tutoring and babysitting. If she's reliant on her DH looking after their DC, she won't be able to start until 6pm (say) which means she can really only 2 hours of tutoring in an evening before it gets too late (allowing for a gap between people). And for 2 hours of tutoring DH has to do all the evening/bedtime sorting, which is the worst part of the day in a lot of people's opinions.

I have to admit, that if I had the choice of full time job and then having sole charge of DC and doing bedtime when I got home; or having the whole day with my child, including 3 hours to myself while they were at pre-school, and then a couple of hours tutoring in the evening.... well, I think OP very much has the easy end of the stick.

There is an awful lot of polarised opinions on this thread.
But what it boils down to is that OP wants to do one thing because it suits her best, and DH wants to do another thing because it suits him best. I actually don't think either of them are wrong, but they both seem unable to see the opposite point of view (and of course we don't get to see DH's POV at all).