He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

Is it not a case of there not being an ideal solution right now.

Your bottom line is you want another 9/10 months at home to get DD into full time ed. His bottom line is more money in the pot. Neither of you is wrong.

The obvious compromise to me seems to be to agree a number of week day hours or evenings he is prepared to be 'inconvenienced' for to get that. And a how many hours on a Saturday morning. The rest of the weekend would still be family time. That might in actual fact therefore only be working for 6-8 chargeable hours per week. Two evenings spaced out and one weekend half day. But thats what you can offer to help. Its going to ease the burden by a few hundred pounds per month which is worthwhile. If he declines due to inconvenience i think thats on him.

But when she is full time education you understand that the contribution needs to be higher and you will work together how to get that as it gets closer but this is what you can do for now.

I also admit to wondering if some of the reluctance of DH to look after his own child is because OP is very particular about how it is done and it's nigh on impossible for him to meet her standards.
The one thing that OP's posts scream is that she wants things how she wants them and there is no room for compromise.

@LaLuz7 So nasty.

She's 4. Does she start school in September? No reason you can't work part time, quite a lot of hours. 9-3 is 30 hours.

This in spades! You're using your daughter as an excuse. What do you think single parents do? They cook and do household chores around their children Feel sorry for your DH.

Having 2 children with adhd I oukdnt take my eyes off them.

What is so great about doing 9-5 then coming home and doing everything at home
Then getting up and doing it all again whilst paying out £100’s for childcare when you could just do a few hours in the evening, not have to pay out hundreds in childcare get everything done during the day but that would mean your Dh actually looking after his Dd in the evenings.

If it is about money then working as a private tutor a few evenings per week is better than doing 40 hours per week with all the expenses involved

You're using your DD as an excuse to stay at home in my view. Do online grocery shopping. Share some of the household chores with your husband and get back to work.

It may be that your DD doesn’t like the preschool itself and this is the reason for the behaviour. I would be ruling that out.

When I read the OP, I felt like you’d brushed over the financial issues as they are significant and stressful actually and it must be hard for your DH.

At the very least you should do the maths and see what the cost of extra childcare is versus you going back to work even if it’s as a supply teacher. And have an honest conversation with your DH about how you as parents will support your DD. She will be entering full time schooling soon anyway, so it’s got to be tackled and staying home will only go so far. But ruling it out without full consideration is unfair.

You know him but have you actually talked to him about it?

I do not understand these families that have one person working a 'normal' working week and the other parent claims to be 'barely getting by' when they have one child at home, part time. One child. And your thinly veiled criticisms of getting other people to raise her...I think you need to admit that you don't want a job because having your life like this suits you to a T, and damn your husband and any stresses he might have.

Bottom line, is that if you're falling behind in even one bill, then something has to give. Get a job. Cancel an activity your daughter does. But I think it's supremely unfair that your answer seems to be "well he can do OT but doesn't". I'm the sole earner for my family, and while my children are much older so it's obviously different, you have no idea how stressful it is knowing that the financial stability of your entire family rests on your shoulders alone.

And by the way, it's really not wrong to want to have nice things and nice experiences for yourself as an adult once in a while. I know I'd be so unhappy if I couldn't allocate a single penny of my income to myself because my partner deemed it unnecessary.

Exactly. And the stress on the family - all of them. If DH doesn’t pull his weight (and the OP knows her husband the best and she says he won’t) then OP is stressed, that stress is felt by the rest of the family. She does the full on job and everything else but he can’t possibly do a full time job plus a couple of hours of watching his own child per week.

There’s lots of fawning over the poor DH on here - working his arse off (in a not very well paid 9-5 job which doesn’t pay holiday pay). When OP was the higher earner, seems sensible with money, saved. Got a big redundancy which probably covered a year or 2 of maternity. It’s like she’s the only woman on earth who hasn’t contributed financially for a few years whilst her child is young…only she did contribute didn’t she? Unless we’re saying young children look after themselves..

She has said she will up her hours once her DD is at school. She’s talking about some lucrative, non stressful tutoring which would not add any stress to the family and bring in decent money.

SAHM that I know of either have a high earning DH (maybe contractor or tradesman) or are on benefits as single parent. Most of us in between have to go to work. I've had to keep upping my hours to keep up with increases in cost of things.

I'm also a teacher & you do get school hols off with them. Just use a childminder local to nursery. Surely you could do 0.4?

I looked after my own children until they were school age and I remember it as bloody hard work!
People claiming that OP is enjoying a life of leisure are ridiculous

DP needs to learn that he is a parent. So yeah, he gets off work, picks dc up from nursery, goes home and cooks tea, washes up, plays with dc, bathes dc, gets dc into bed, reads a story.

That is what happens after work when you have dc. If you are lucky enough to have someone at home much of the day, then you don't need to worry about food shopping and cleaning, and probably most of the cooking.

He doesn't get to check out of parenthood with a 9 to 5 job.

If he wants OP to make money - which is sensible- she should tutor. It's a good earner - far better than she can earn from a part-time job during the day. Having her work while he is home also insulates them against missing work because of dc's illnesses or appointments.

Is OP being over-anxious about dc and childcare? Maybe. Could she use her dc's 30 hours and get a low-paid job in a school? Yes. But 15 hours of tutoring would easily make you more money than 30 hours of TA/learning support assistant work in a school.

OP, you should talk to dh about what will happen when you go back to work FT. Who will look after dc on evenings and weekends? Who gets up at 6 on Saturdays and Sundays when dc wants to play? Who makes dinner? Who stays home when dc is ill? Who is cleaning, and when? Who does the meal planning and food shopping?

In short, he thinks he wants something that he does not actually want.

I think you should get a job. I know it’s very hard but you need to help too

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

this!

prioritise your husband and relationship too!
one day your dd will have flown the nest and then what?!

I'm on the fence on this one, mainly because it's not really clear if you are choosing not to work (which is unreasonable in this situation) or if you can't work due to DD's SEN.

If your DD's SEN is preventing her from accessing the hours of nursery she is entitled to, you should apply for for an EHCP and try to get support in place so she can attend more. Don't wait for her to start school to start on it, it's a long process.

If her needs are really that high, then you may be a parent carer. Have you considered applying for DLA for her and carers allowance for your self. But as I say it's not really clear from what you've written wether or not her needs are that high.

To be honest, I can't quite work out whether OP has a case of PFB syndrome and follows her DD around obsessively 24/7 controlling every thing she does and that's why DH doesn't get involved as much because he doesn't do things 'mums way', or the OP is a lazy CF who can't be bothered working and would willingly sacrifice her husband's happiness, MH, wellbeing and relationship with his DD than get a job.

Definitely one of those though.

She'll have to get a job.

Something that I usually say on these threads too and the OP is always flabbergasted it has even been suggested - if you continue putting all the pressure on your DH, resentment will build and that resentment is the issue which causes a lot of marriages to end. What will you do then?

Either way, it would mean seeing your DD a lot less. Would he get 50/50 custody? Even if he did EOW, surely you would HAVE to work FT to afford to keep you and DD and pay childcare? So you'd see her even less than you do now? Or is your plan to become a single parent on benefits? I'm not sure how that plan would be in your daughter's best interests.

Be careful OP, you may not care about your husband's happiness but you could end up in a really miserable situation if he has enough of your unreasonable behaviour.

It’s not a life of leisure per se but spending all day with your (one) child is much better than work 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think many posters have also missed the fact that the OP did some tutoring when her DD was a baby - so looked after her all day - worked in the evening- then nursed and was up in the night.

She does not come across as the type that doesn’t want to work. So the ‘get a job’
brigade are mistaken.

It’s like she’s the first woman to ever take a few years off (with savings!) to be there for the pre-school years. Her DH is not happy so now she’s come up with an interim solution to bring in some money until her DD starts school when she’s said she’s more than happy to work more. Like many other women on here who don’t seem to get criticised…

Well apparently the 4 year old needs so much looking after that OP can only do the housework when the 4 year old is at nursery.

It really is a cake walk compared to working full time, but for some reason you get hung drawn and quartered for admitting that on MN.
When my three were all preschooler age (yes, 3 under 5!) I was lucky to be a SAHM. It was bloody bliss compared to working 40 hrs pw (plus overtime) in a demanding NHS role, honestly no comparison.

OP you can't afford to be a SAHM.

And I honestly think you've a cheek complaining about your DH "only" working 9-5.

You can't afford this lifestyle.

I get it, my DD had complex needs and I would have loved one of us to be able to stay at home, but we just couldn't afford it.

And putting all the responsibility to bring money in on one half of the relationship isn't fair.

Fine if you can afford it. But you can't.