He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

@superdupernova I know him and know how it will be, especially after four years of not doing anything, it will be a huge shock to him and I’ve seen too many friends end up doing it all.

We've been together 27 years, for 16 years of that I’ve earned more and been the higher earner and he was able to benefit from that also, whatever we wanted, trios around the world etc, we had all sorts of treats before Dd, now it’s about her. For four years, he’s earned more, but I had my redundancy pay which lasted well also

You sound extremely lazy and selfish. Time to go back to work and to stop sitting around the house.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

maybe part of his concern though is wanting some treats and money for nice things for him and you. That’s not selfish. It’s miserable to work hard and not be able to treat yourself.

It's time you went back to work clearly. Your poor husband is being asked to work on his days off from work and you won't go to work in the day ?!!

@LuckySantangelo35 I know, I get that, I really do, but I’m almost there with Dd, I just want to make sure she’s ok, then I can work all the hours around her, he can have whatever he wants, I don’t care

You could train as a childminder and work from home at the hours you choose. Your training sounds ideal. I earned my(single parent) living for 7 years doing this. All bills paid and so many days out and creative fun.
I did this as I couldn't find childcare for the hours I needed to work.

And is he happy to accept that? could you do something like work in a tea shop or something just to make a little bit until she it’s at school full time? Basically something where you can do short hours and only work when you’re supposed to (teaching might be too much I agree).

It might be he’s happy with everything being a mess or having to do housework on weekends and evenings if you’re getting more money?

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

but it doesn’t have to be ALL about her does it? He doesn’t stop being a person just cos he’s had a child. And as for having lots of treats before your dd - well, you could say that about lots of things. E.g., You had lots of weekends in the past, years of them in fact, so why do you need more now?!

YANBU.... Nothing wrong with your idea. What you are wanting to do is save on childcare. Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to do childcare in the evenings? You do all-day as it is. Does he seriously want to waste earnings on childcare???? Just do what you want to do with tutoring. How I wished I had that option with my daughter!!!! Oh and it's not really childcare when it's your own kid. He finishes at 5 and wouldn't have to be around for hours as your kid would be in bed soon after.

@ApplePieOrCry I do, but I suppose I care about my Dd more

Many many men are not the best at cleaning and cooking women are moaning about it all the time on here and about their DH. They manage though because we all need money to pay bills
You will have to make it work OP. You don't seem to want to try at all. Someone mentioned your pension and I would sort it out because if your DH upped and left you, well you would have to manage! Finicially TOO.

People have 3/4 kids and they manage.

You have been together for 27 years, in another 20 (or so) years it'll be back to just you 2 again, when DD flys the nest and makes her own family. Make sure you nurture your relationship with each other too! There seems to be a few issues the 2 of you need to work out!

This is one of those threads where the narrative has been twisted to suit the readers' prejudices. So many posters saying "he's right you should work!" completely ignoring that OP is happy and keen to work evenings and weekends, but apparently her husband doesn't want to look after his daughter. So if OP gets a day job, who's going to look after their daughter after work? No doubt OP would be expected to while also working, but that's fine apparently.

If he wants you out working then he takes on his fair share of childcare (drop off, pickups, sick days) and housework.

And working parents don't?

Laying the groundwork for a reason to never go back to work, are we?

If you don't want to work then own it. Take honest accountability for your choices. Don't use DD as a paravan.

There is nothing wrong with being at stay out home parent. However, both parent needs to be on the same page. This may not be a viable option for you. It doesn't sound as your husbands wants to or is willing to carry the financial weight. Perhaps he is used to you being the breadwinner. Whilst, you may think your daughter needs you. He doesn't appear to on the same page. Maybe you both need to evaluate the relationship and future goals as couple and family.

Just wanted to bump up this suggestion in case it got lost in the middle of the thread. I have several friends who've done online international tutoring during UK office hours and I think with that agency too. It's the obvious solution if OP is interested.

All those saying if OP worked in the evening her DH wouldn’t get downtime, where is OPs downtime? OP I think working in the evenings or at weekends is a great solution to get more money in and enable you to still spend time with your DD who, if she’s struggling with the few hours at nursery she currently is, I can see why you don’t want to increase that.

I can see both sides but it does sound like you need additional income, falling behind on bills and never being able to treat yourselves sounds stressful.Your daughter may need more as she gets older. I also can’t entirely blame your husband for not wanting you gone at night if you don’t have to be.

Both sides need to compromise. Unless you agreed never to work again I think it’s a fair expectation that you’ll return to work. Also working a normal 9-5 is probably best for family life in the long term. Arranging childcare on an ad hoc basis is tricky and potentially destabilizing for your daughter.

While I can understand the desire not to teach full time it is a career that would allow you to have lots of time in holidays etc with your daughter. Maybe you could do part-time or educational consultancy work?

I stayed home until my youngest was 4 and then retrained and now work 4 days a week. It’s not without its challenges but overall it’s so worth it.

I agree.

I think it’s simply about OP not wanting to work more than a few hours a week. I wish she would just own it. I would have more respect.

I'm with dh.
Why should he work his arse off whilst you schlep round at home doing part-time childcare?

As I said a long time ago, my DH and I were once ships that passed in the night as he looked after our kids in the day and then went to work when I came home in the evening. I can't say it enhanced our relationship, we hardly ever had adult time.