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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:35

SpicyFoodRocks · 08/12/2022 18:32

I actually fear for this relationship. And think they may not survive this.

Show quote history

They won't. Criticism and contempt towards partner are two of the best indicators of future divorce. OP exhibits astonishing amounts of both.

Ivyblu · 08/12/2022 18:36

@Delatron ahhh come of it. So what is your point? It's not a race to the bottom FFS. Despite OP being the higher earner she has had 4 years at home ALREADY. Most of us are feeling the costs especially as its winter OPS DH is not unreasonable to moan about falling behind on bills.

If it was to have a new Sky package or some fancy gym membership then yes. Things change nothing is set in stone and OP simply is unable to afford to stay at home long term the rest is background noise....

DillDanding · 08/12/2022 18:36

It doesn’t sound like you can afford to not work.

It’s not fair to burden your husband with all of the financial responsibilities, nor expect him to work more. You share the evening care.

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:37

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 18:34

Please could someone tell me how the LO will manage at school if nursery is too much?

In the next episode, OP will decide to do homeschooling...

whumpthereitis · 08/12/2022 18:37

Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:21

Think all the hand wringers about the OP being divorced and destitute ‘and you’d have to get a bloody job then you shirker’ are missing the point that she was the higher earner right until 4 years ago. She also said she saved.

So financially she may well have contributed more over the years - then whilst she takes a bit of time off with her DD her DH can’t match her earnings. Maybe she’d be better off without him. Then she could go back to earning more and he’d have to do 50% of the childcare… just a thought!

Not hand wringing, just pointing out an obvious risk to the ‘just refuse’ strategy.

and divorce doesn’t mean he’d have to take on 50% of childcare either. He could simply just refuse, at which point OP has to juggle childcare and working on her own. Whether divorce would be better for OP anyway doesn’t change this fact either, which is another reason why it’s a good idea for her to get back to work.

GUARDIAN1 · 08/12/2022 18:37

I understand wanting to be at home with your daughter but this is sadly a luxury many people can't afford. At 4 years old your daughter should be entitled to more nursery hours than that - and if not, if you and DH were both working, you could afford to pay for more hours.

You say DD has everything she wants and more, but what about you and DH? It sounds as if he works long hours and to be honest I can understand why he doesn't want to spend every weekend like a single parent. I can also understand if he would like you both to be able to treat yourselves from time to time so it doesn't feel like working for nothing.

If you were both working - even if you didn't do completely full-time hours, maybe the bills would get paid and you could enjoy family time at the weekends.

I agree with you when you say there would need to be some changes to household routines. More sharing of tasks etc.

I'm afraid I do think you're being unreasonable.

Lavenderflower · 08/12/2022 18:37

I think your daughter may be entitled to 30 hours of free childcare - if she has special needs. She may benefit from full time hours. They can apply for support for her. This would enable you to work.

CuteOrangeElephant · 08/12/2022 18:39

I've been in your husband's situation and it wasn't great. He then worked weekends and I had effectively zero down time. That was a really hard time, never again.

You don't have enough money. I see why he's stressed.

Kanaloa · 08/12/2022 18:39

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 18:34

Please could someone tell me how the LO will manage at school if nursery is too much?

Like many ND children, they may simply not. My son ended up doing a restricted timetable for much of reception and infants, because he simply could not cope. Pushing him into longer hours at nursery would not have helped this.

GinUnicorn · 08/12/2022 18:41

Do you have the 30 hours free to use? I can imagine how much anxiety it will cause to leave your daughter especially with additional needs but if you can increase her hours slightly it gives you a chance to earn more and gets her used to school hours.

I dont mean to be insensitive but do you have some anxiety about your daughter? I wonder if this is contributing to your feelings

Timezones · 08/12/2022 18:41

I'd put money on the OP really wanting to spend this time with the DD, and really not wanting to work. We have no real reason to believe that this is all for the good of the DD. Spending time with your child doing fun things at your own pace and in your own space obviously feels a lot nicer than teaching. And how would the OP react if the DH declared that he didn't want to do his job / thing he's trained for and experienced in anymore, and was proposing to do something less secure, that earned less and didn't come with a pension instead, and that he expected OP to fund this decision through her earnings.

caringcarer · 08/12/2022 18:41

Could you compromise? Put DD into preschool for 2 full days instead of 3 mornings. Work 2 days in a job share. In September your dd will be at school full time. It will help her to have already been away at preschool for a whole day already. Tell DH you will also tutor 1 evening and he can watch your dd then. With 2 full days pay teaching and 1 evening tutoring you should earn enough to pay bills and allow you and DH a few extras. You can easily work through an agency. I retired from teaching 5 years ago almost and still get agencies or occasionally a school email me to see if I want work.

Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 18:42

@LaLuz7 Episode? And yes, I have considered homeschooling..? And…?
You have no idea how the relationship is, I can assure you contempt and criticism comes from his side too…I’m guessing you just came on here to be nasty as your comments aren’t helpful, they just sound deliberately rude

OP posts:
Dittosaw · 08/12/2022 18:43

Has anyone suggested hiring a teenager while OP works evenings and weekends? Tutors get £20ph ish she would still be earning. It’s a compromise. It’s

FortSalem86 · 08/12/2022 18:44

I actually wonder if this is less about possible SEN and more just not able to leave your daughter to become independent.

Whityedaine · 08/12/2022 18:44

Could he wait until your daughter starts school in September? You can improve your skills by doing some online courses in the meantime or volunteering.

Happyher · 08/12/2022 18:46

My perception after reading you first post is that you prioritise indulgences for your daughter above essential bills and that’s what’s annoying your DH. ‘Clubs, activities, days out’, Christmas presents bought. These should come after the bills have been paid. Children are just as happy playing at home. Why not cut down on your spending on some of these things and maybe if there’s spare money after the bills are paid, DH will be more relaxed

Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:46

Dittosaw · 08/12/2022 18:43

Has anyone suggested hiring a teenager while OP works evenings and weekends? Tutors get £20ph ish she would still be earning. It’s a compromise. It’s

What hiring a teenager to watch a 4 year so the DH doesn’t have to?

Tutors can earn £30-40 per hour round here but if I had a DH in the house I wouldn’t be giving £10 of that to a teenager. How much looking after does a 4 year old need for an hour?!

Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 18:46

@GinUnicorn i definitely have some anxiety about Dd, that’s all it’s about, if I knew she was ok, I’d be ok to leave her, she’s not coping at the moment and it’s heartbreaking to me

OP posts:
superdupernova · 08/12/2022 18:46

I will then end up doing all
her pre school drop offs and pick ups, because Dh won’t possibly be able to get to work later etc…but my job won’t matter. Any time she’s ill, it will be me that has to leave my job or stay off work to be with her, as he can never leave his job and hasn’t had to. It will be me then picking her up and doing every single thing the same as I do now…making dinner, cooking, cleaning etc..for what? So he can buy himself some boys toys
It’s shit and no matter which way it ends up, I end up doing more and never having my job taken properly or being able to make as much as him or as much as I used to anymore..,all at the risk of Dd not being as happy

I'll ask this again. Has he actually said any of this or are you making massive assumptions? Frankly, face with the choice of contributing more at home vs paying the bills solo... I'd go for contributing more at home.

ImCindaCanning · 08/12/2022 18:49

bumpytrumpy · 08/12/2022 14:09

Honestly, I think he has a point. Staying at home with a 4 year old is a luxury most don't have. If you can't afford it (as a family), you need to go back to work and your DD needs to be in for her 30hrs.

Falling behind with bills while 1 parent shoulders all the financial burden is no walk in the park. Schools are crying out for staff, you could probably walk into a 2-3 day role.

She wants to work, she can earn good money, but its evenings and weekends and her 'D' H isn't happy to look after his own daughter (he obviously doesn't view spending time with his child as a "luxury").

IsItaCowIsItaPlane · 08/12/2022 18:51

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:39

The only option seems to be putting her in full time and risking her getting even more overwhelmed and having worse meltdowns and nightmares etc at home, whilst I try to find a job within those hours for likely shit pay. I will then end up doing all
her pre school drop offs and pick ups, because Dh won’t possibly be able to get to work later etc…but my job won’t matter. Any time she’s ill, it will be me that has to leave my job or stay off work to be with her, as he can never leave his job and hasn’t had to. It will be me then picking her up and doing every single thing the same as I do now…making dinner, cooking, cleaning etc..for what? So he can buy himself some boys toys
It’s shit and no matter which way it ends up, I end up doing more and never having my job taken properly or being able to make as much as him or as much as I used to anymore..,all at the risk of Dd not being as happy

So basically, you never want to work? That's exactly how this reads.

Get a job OP, your family need you to work. Your dd will be in full-time education soon and gave to be in school full time.

MumoftwoGranofone · 08/12/2022 18:51

I completely get it. Have you got anyone who you can chat this through with together face to face to help you find a way forward that works for everyone?

DarkDarkNight · 08/12/2022 18:52

I think you’re being unreasonable. It sounds like you’ve decided you aren’t going to work and that’s that. Your solution of working evenings and weekends isn’t great. Your husband is shouldering the whole burden, it isn’t unreasonable for him to want some down time.

From what you say you can’t afford to have just one income. Yes your daughter has all she needs, and you may be ok with no treats, but I’d be pretty annoyed if I was supporting the whole family and couldn’t have any money for myself. Also, if you’re falling behind on bills that would be a red flag, something needs to change. You sound like you resent him having time off because of the electric bill. I would be wanting you to get back to work too.

Lavenderflower · 08/12/2022 18:52

Are you able to elaborate in what ways in she not coping?