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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 18:17

@Dittosaw ? What? I’m not her and haven’t made any extra posts, Mn are welcome to check this and verify. It’s nice to have some posts that understand a little though, there are quite a few which makes me feel less shite

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 08/12/2022 18:18

Sakura7 · 08/12/2022 16:04

They aren’t a team as the Dh doesn’t want to do his share of household stuff if op did return to work f/t

How do you know that?

He's not doing the household stuff right now because he works and OP is home all day. That's fair. If OP goes back to work they should share the burden, OP needs to make that clear and stick to it.

He might be very happy to do more housework if it means OP is working and contributing.

He’s already said that he doesn’t want to look after Dd in the evening and op has worked in the evening before and had to do everything

His “Works his arse off” comment is a 9-5 job and then having everything done for him.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/12/2022 18:19

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 08/12/2022 18:17

Reading up thread, there’s also a lot of obtuse posts. The reality is - like thousands of families - you both need to work and you both need to care for DD in the evenings. Not sure why there’s so much discussion about who does the evening care…it’s just what it is, what many many families do…you just get on with it.

No, there are many ways to set up family life and bring in money that don’t fit this cookie cutter set-up.

Bintymcbintface · 08/12/2022 18:21

Surely his leave days are paid. Giving off that the electricity bill could've been paid if he didn't take 2 days off is insanely unreasonable. He's taking all the financial burden and you're critical of him having a break when you've had 4 years out of work? Unbelievable

Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:21

Think all the hand wringers about the OP being divorced and destitute ‘and you’d have to get a bloody job then you shirker’ are missing the point that she was the higher earner right until 4 years ago. She also said she saved.

So financially she may well have contributed more over the years - then whilst she takes a bit of time off with her DD her DH can’t match her earnings. Maybe she’d be better off without him. Then she could go back to earning more and he’d have to do 50% of the childcare… just a thought!

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:22

Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:21

Think all the hand wringers about the OP being divorced and destitute ‘and you’d have to get a bloody job then you shirker’ are missing the point that she was the higher earner right until 4 years ago. She also said she saved.

So financially she may well have contributed more over the years - then whilst she takes a bit of time off with her DD her DH can’t match her earnings. Maybe she’d be better off without him. Then she could go back to earning more and he’d have to do 50% of the childcare… just a thought!

Except he wouldn't have to do 50% of the childcare if he didn't want to.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 08/12/2022 18:22

@OriginalUsername2 i never said what that looked like, did I? OP has talked about teaching in the evenings - my DH also teaches in the evening and I work all day and then look after the kids solo whilst he’s working. So you don’t need to tell me that there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

My point was not about OP’s suggestion itself but more that it’s clear she needs to work, whatever that looks like and all the comments about DH might do this or might not do that are basically speculation.

FortSalem86 · 08/12/2022 18:23

I think you need to up the nursery hours otherwise she will struggle. Also who said she is ND? Might be your average, energetic 4 year old.
Sounds like you can't afford to stay at home. Shouldn't you be worried about your finances? Also I don't see why your husband can't buy something for yourself. I would want a treat if working full time. I understand the infertility wanting to savour it all but you need to step up and earn.

Saxiee · 08/12/2022 18:23

Tell him you will go back to work but that he then has to start doing more at home, since you've been cooking all the meals and doing all the cleaning and laundry.

Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 18:23

@Ivyblu I haven’t directly implied I don’t want to work at all?
In an ideal world, my Dd would skip into school, be very happy and want to stay all day, she’d come home happy and calm and the teacher would say she participated well and was happy.
I’d then work in something education based and get to wear make up and nice clothes, drink a coffee and chat with colleagues, use my brain and feel like I actually contribute and am valued in my world, as I don’t feel like that at all. I'd earn good money and maybe, just maybe buy some new clothes and not wear the same sweater every other day, maybe I could get my hair done, treat myself to some perfume or a gym membership.
That isn’t a poor me, my Dd needs me at the moment, my needs have been put on the shelf for the last few years and I chose that and will continue to choose Dd and her needs. We need to pay some bills, I can work and am happy to, some evenings and weekends.

OP posts:
Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:24

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:22

Except he wouldn't have to do 50% of the childcare if he didn't want to.

Show quote history

True. But my main point is I think the OP will be fine and the comments about thinking about divorce and having no money are misplaced.

It doesn’t sound like he is much of a career person either. Which you need to be if you’re the sole earner.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/12/2022 18:26

You say that you decided to stay at home with your child. Surely it was a joint decision?

At 4 years old, I think he has a point, tbh.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 08/12/2022 18:26

Lol @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts - I laugh at your ideal world comment because my children are NT and don’t enjoy school and don’t skip in each morning, and come out frazzled and tired - just as i am still looking at another couple of hours work. Really only laughing in a bittersweet kind of way that your ideal world might never happen regardless - though I hope it does!

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:29

The less time she spends in nursery now, the more she will struggle when she starts school. Keeping her on 6h a week means the change will be brutal rather than a smooth gradual transition.

You are doing her no favours.

You are also doing her no favours by causing financial instability and the stress that comes with it. Not to mention the tension and contempt between you and DH which might mean a split and a broken home for her quite soon.

Kids pick up on these disturbances and it affects them more than you think.

You might think you are prioritising her but you seem clueless about all the ways you are actually hurting her.

Mince314s · 08/12/2022 18:29

I think a middle ground could be something like finding a teaching job working 2.5 days in 2. You'd basically be put the house completely from before your DD wakes up until after she goes to bed and your DH would need to fully step up for that but you'd get a wage in which could go partly to things like a cleaner to take some pressure off. We have friends that have this arrangement and say it works well.

SpicyFoodRocks · 08/12/2022 18:29

The husband is probably saying he won’t do childcare because he is annoyed his wife is refusing to work in a proper job and get decent money. They are missing bills. No wonder he is stressed. When it came down to it I am sure he would look after the child as needed. And maybe he wants evenings and weekends as family time too.

Anyway OP, perhaps you are right. He should take an extra job and not take any days off at all. Behave like a real husband should. And you should stay home for another four years. Do I get a prayer hands emoji now?

madasacatter · 08/12/2022 18:30

As an ADHD parent, I totally hear you about the pre-school situation and for that alone your DH is BU.
Then to add that he wants to prevent you working in the opportunities you have is VVBU!
Other posters make good points about contributing together and it seems you've offered to do so but he's refused because its not on his terms. Your DD is jointly yours and you work in the home therefore enabling him to work outside the home, why won't he do the same I wonder?

Ivyblu · 08/12/2022 18:30

She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd

We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts YOU come across as entitled and I'm not surprised your DH has snapped, single parents manage!

We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)

sabbii · 08/12/2022 18:30

did I miss the part where DH becomes a house husband?

Liorae · 08/12/2022 18:31

Delatron · 08/12/2022 18:21

Think all the hand wringers about the OP being divorced and destitute ‘and you’d have to get a bloody job then you shirker’ are missing the point that she was the higher earner right until 4 years ago. She also said she saved.

So financially she may well have contributed more over the years - then whilst she takes a bit of time off with her DD her DH can’t match her earnings. Maybe she’d be better off without him. Then she could go back to earning more and he’d have to do 50% of the childcare… just a thought!

He wouldn't have to do 50% of the childcare. Ask any of the divorced women on here how much of the child care their ex is "forced" to do. She would have to work and deal with finding child care, and I bet she would not want 50/50 custody in the unlikely event that her ex did. LTB is rarely the ticket to a better life despite what posters on MN might tell you.

Better to open the lines of communication and learn to work as a better team.

Mojoj · 08/12/2022 18:31

I think a lot of people have overlooked that the OP's daughter is awaiting assessment for possible ADHD. Children with ADHD find nursery/school settings extremely stressful. Hence her only wanting to put her daughter in nursery for a couple of hours. IMO, her husband is being a selfish arse. He just can't be bothered looking after his child in the evening when the OP is proposing to work. Just another lazy, entitled man who's putting himself before what's best for his child.

SpicyFoodRocks · 08/12/2022 18:32

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:29

The less time she spends in nursery now, the more she will struggle when she starts school. Keeping her on 6h a week means the change will be brutal rather than a smooth gradual transition.

You are doing her no favours.

You are also doing her no favours by causing financial instability and the stress that comes with it. Not to mention the tension and contempt between you and DH which might mean a split and a broken home for her quite soon.

Kids pick up on these disturbances and it affects them more than you think.

You might think you are prioritising her but you seem clueless about all the ways you are actually hurting her.

I actually fear for this relationship. And think they may not survive this.

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 18:33

The irony of people calling the only working parent who keeps the entire family afloat "lazy" is gobsmaking delicious....

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 18:34

Please could someone tell me how the LO will manage at school if nursery is too much?

Heyahun · 08/12/2022 18:34

He’s probably stressed having to be the provider - he works so hard and has no money for nice things for himself or holidays or anything - the stress he must feel when you fall behind with the bills !

your daughter is 4 - so yeah I see his point tbh