He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

But it’s not a perfectly good solution.

Its what she wants, as usual.

Also supply teaching isn’t minimum wage.

YABU. You’re not thinking outside the box enough. I am a teacher and had to freelance for 9 months in 2021. I was working all day. You only have to find an agency like Spires where you can tutor children from all over the world (because they are in different time zones) at times that suit you and your family. It won’t take much for you to arrange something like that and you’ll be quids in. So seriously. Try harder.

It's not best for your dd if you and her dad get divorced. He is clearly telling you he is unhappy but you just seem to ignore that.
I get wanting to be around more to support your child (I have a child with adhd as well) but you could ease the financial burden with two days a week in a school and pay a childminder for nursery wraparound.
If your dd can't cope you could give it up but you could at least try.

And her working full time is what he wants? Where’s the compromise?

If they both work full time but he can’t possibly parent after working where does that leave her?

Supply teaching doesn’t fit in with pre-school hours so she’d need extra childcare.

The compromise is using the 30 hours free, putting DD in two to three full days and working those.

@GlitteryGreen I don’t any free time at weekends…it’s just a continuation of tbe week

Hold up.

So, if you go back to work, presumably your daughter will either disappear into vapour in the evenings or you'll be expected to work all day and then care for her on evenings and weekends?

I like it that I am being snotty. My children went to a childminder, one of us collected them, we fed them between us and did all of the necessary things for them There is no evidence that he wouldn't step up and care for his child. He presumably has some interaction with her now. What I find galling is that plenty of parents cope with having children with additional needs with far less fuss. We sat down and discussed who did what and just got on with it. And even children with additional needs often don't need constant attention particularly if they have been to school and had a busy day.

And then paying more for someone to pick up her DD after her days. Her DH would be happy. OP wouldn’t be happy and she suspects her DD wouldn’t be happy. And the extra childcare would eat in to wages.

Tutoring sounds like the best solution. No extra childcare to pay for.

Exactly. This has also been missed by most people on here.

There is evidence. He says now he feels it’s unfair to work then take care of a child. And out of curiosity do you have a ND preschooler? They very much need attention (although personally I think all kids do) and I think it’s very optimistic to presume a man who refuses to care for his child so his wife can work will suddenly step up when they’re at home together.

You've been home for 4 years, falling behind with bills, your husband isn't happy/stressed about finances... time to get back to work.

Why wouldn’t the OP be happy?

also why does it matter really, her DH is unhappy and she wants him to work more.

And I don’t know why you keep throwing out things like ‘hovering’ and ‘constant attention’ to make it sound like op is expecting him to put on a Justin’s House level show every evening. We’re talking about basic care. He refuses to let op work in the evenings because he doesn’t want to care for his child at all.

If he finishes at 5 (which is early IMO) he has a lot of evening where he’s not doing much (parenting/cooking/housework). Because OP is.

I personally think OP should give the tutoring a go.

OP & DH need to get on the same page though - communication is key

Also how he wants her to work "so that he can afford some boy toys". While bills are going unpaid.

Sounds a little narcissistic. To say the least.

He sounds stressed. But you both need to compromise. The tutoring sounds like a good option. Or could you change dd’s hours to full days so you could do supply. I loved being at home when mine were younger but my youngest turned 4 and started school I found a job working school hours. We were broke and it was stressful otherwise. Much better working school hours around them and the freedom of my own money.

I've said in other posts both my, now adult kids, have disabilities. My oldest is dyslexic, dyspraxic and has T1diabetes since childhood. My youngest has ASD, my husband, now sadly deceased, had ASD and ADHD. My oldest is now going blind. I hope that clarifies my experience.

Your husband isn’t happy to be the sole provider any more, which is fair enough because you are struggling. Even if you weren’t it’s not unreasonable for him not to want to be the only one shouldering the financial burden, or to want more than to just make do.

You could refuse to return to work, but if the marriage breaks down as a result then presumably you’d have to work full time.

@Delatron Thank you 🙏feel
like I’m going a bit mad with some of the comments here

I know there’s 14 pages already OP but just wanted to share a perspective from both sides.

Pre DC, I was in perm employment and DH was self employed. I was in a really stressful role.

Post DC, I wanted to stay at home and DH was happy to take on the financial burden of enabling that. Somewhere around 2018, it became very obvious that this set up was not viable financially.

I went back to work part time - finishing at 2.30. This helped significantly.

Covid happens and DH’s business is impacted hugely and at one point, he’s barely earning enough to pay his tax bill. He’s just breaking even. Fortunately in this time, my earnings go up and up so financially we are fine but the pressure has increased massively.

Cut to now - DH is slowly making inroads building his business back up and I am earning more than I ever thought possible. But we’re basically just getting by each month. There have been many times in the recent past that I have felt frustrated that I work so hard and earn so much, yet it barely feels like we’re living. No holidays, rare days out, just getting by. I have wished DH was in a full time role and earning even just half of what I do. The burden feels huge.

I have never said this to him ONLY because he took on that burden that allowed me to be a SAHM. If there had never been that mutual support, I would be saying what your DH is saying now. But my DH supported his family for over six years and enabled me to spend precious early years with our three DC. It’s only now that i am the breadwinner so I realise what an enormous responsibility and burden it is. You need to think more about how your DH feels and what he is telling you.

tbh if you need more income then you need to work. Playing devil's advocate but why do you expect your dh to work in the day and then look after your dd alone at night or at weekends? You seem annoyed that he doesn't want to work more.
You might want to stay at home but that doesn't mean you are entitled to decide that you will. The truth is that you can earn good money working as a teacher. You could do some part time hours or some supply to supplement your income. Lots of people dislike working but they still do it!

It’s a crazy on here sometimes. Especially AIBU!

I think you’ve come up with a really good solution. Watching a child for an hour is not hard. And you have plans for the future.
People are implying you never plan on working again. Then coming up with ridiculously stressful and expensive solutions just because your DH needs his evenings completely free from what 5-10 every day plus all weekends (when I bet he’s not doing any housework).

Reading up thread, there’s also a lot of obtuse posts. The reality is - like thousands of families - you both need to work and you both need to care for DD in the evenings. Not sure why there’s so much discussion about who does the evening care…it’s just what it is, what many many families do…you just get on with it.