He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

What are your plans for her at school though? Surely she needs to start building up her hours and tolerance so she'll be school ready???

Have you thought about tutoring online? If you join one of the Chinese agencies they'll give you morning hours because of the time difference, so you could do it when your dd is at nursery and it would probably pay more than most other jobs you could do mornings only.

I fail to see how 'the only option is putting her in full time. You only need to earn a few hundred quid a month to make the difference between managing and not.
You don't need to go back to teaching yet if you don't want a high stress job.
Look for school based jobs or others that are part time or shorter days.
Extending your Dd's hours a bit is surely sensible for school transition . This doesn't mean full time but more than two hours

I'm on a supply teacher page and it annoys me so much when women post "The work is unstable but my husband is on a good wage so it's ok." How about stop relying on your husband and get a full time job yourself.

Hmm I’m pretty sure the OP has said she wants to work in tutoring until DD starts school and then she’ll look for something else in 10 months time. At no point has she said she doesn’t want to work.

She is pointing out (whilst most ignore her) that her DD would struggle - at the moment- with 30+ hours a week and that would add to her stress. She’s pointed out (and again been ignored) that her DH isn’t willing to do any drop offs/ pick ups (or parenting it seems). Or housework or the rest.

She’s come up with a lucrative solution that doesn’t cause stress. And her DH says no - he can’t possibly watch his child for an hour.

So much projection on this thread. Now the OP is getting divorced and is destitute! She’s pointed out she was the higher earner a mere 4 years ago. I think she’ll be fine…
She just wants the least stressful solution for her family.

My Mum used to work nights so she didn’t have to pay for childcare. Because my Dad looked after us! How unusual!

I agree with this. Well said.

She is pointing out (whilst most ignore her) that her DD would struggle - at the moment- with 30+ hours a week and that would add to her stress. She’s pointed out (and again been ignored) that her DH isn’t willing to do any drop offs/ pick ups (or parenting it seems). Or housework or the rest.

So why doesn’t she go back to FT working and her DH quits his job and stays home with their DD?

Surely that’s the obvious solution if he’s tired of working so hard for nothing and she wants to work but can’t due to childcare.

Yes that could well be a solution. He puts his career on hold and does all the housework/childcare pre school runs.

And she gets to focus on her career.
Something makes me think if he can’t do an hour in the evening a full day would be a stretch. But maybe the OP can let us know if he ever fancied being a SAHD. Not many do to be fair.

It’s often the 2 full time careers that cause the extra stress. I would have loved to sit at work and DH be at home with a baby and a toddler. He wasn’t up for it though.

Why does it annoy you exactly? If people make these arrangements within their own family is that’s entirely their business.

Could you put DD in childcare 2 days a week and do subbing? Not sure how it works where u are but where I'm from subbing is good money and requires no preparation or corrections etc.

Wouldn’t supply teaching finish after 3 though? So who is collecting her DD from pre- school at 3pm?

@loislovesstewie

Well, quite. But what will happen to the child since her father finds it unfair to have to watch a child after work. Obviously if op is also working during the day it won’t be fair for her to watch the child after work either… so nobody will watch the child?

I think you need to be more of a team.

You do come across as entrenched. The fact is, a lot of mums don't get the luxury of not working for 4 years to have with their DC - you've had this, which is great but now your DH is asking (badly) for help.

Your DH is really feeling the financial pressure. You don't want to compromise any time with your DD (which at 4 is U), I don't know whether you've stated if she's ND/ NT but she should be spending more time in nursery, getting ready for reception.

Your DH needs to realise that whatever job you decide to go for next - day job or tutoring, things will change. He will have to help around the house more, cook meals, do drop offs / pick ups, do cleaning - he will have to pull his weight which may include asking for flexible working.

Get a plan. Work out a rota. Be clear of expectations of both of you. Talk

is he not allow a choice at all?

You want to chose not to work and yet critisise him for taking a day off and moan that the bill couldn't be paid since he took 2 days off. So double standards really.

How about YOU COMPROMISE - you work a few days a week and he does that too. Both happy and both get time with your child?

YANBU as you've told him you can do the home tutoring @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts , and that will be good money. So if he wants you not to work in those hours then he has chosen that and can't throw it in your face that you're not working.

Do the tutoring if you want to. x

OP has indirectly implied she doesn't want to work. OP DH has not enough money to pay BILLS..... BILLS and she is saying she always gets them out of it?

OP has stated she's not bothered about all the other stuff. What does she mean? OP DH is behind on BILLS I think it's you who is not reading the facts.

@Kanaloa ,i can't say that we watched either of our 4 year olds in the sense that they needed constant attention. Mostly they played or we read a book or they read to themselves. Clearly I was a negligent parent as I didn't hover over them all the time!

I can see his point. It sounds like as a household you’re really struggling financially.

@Dittosaw Sigh no not the OP.

Just not part of the ‘get a bloody job’ brigade.

She’s come up with a perfectly good solution for the next 10 months. Why should she get a min wage job (plus all the stress of doing everything) just because her husband won’t spend an hour with her child in the evening.

I'm on a supply teacher page and it annoys me so much when women post "The work is unstable but my husband is on a good wage so it's ok." How about stop relying on your husband and get a full time job yourself.

@Rolaskatox It's their choice.

The husband doesn’t want to be in charge of or responsible for his ND daughter while his wife is working - he feels it’s unfair for him to do any parenting while his wife works. Presumably one of you was responsible for your child at age 4? Or did they just collect themselves from preschool, walk home, sort their dinner, eat it, wash their plate up, then get immediately locked in a cupboard to quietly read books until the next day?

And it's different as OP's DD has only just started nursery and also probably has SEN (people don't get diagnosed with ADHD that early unless they're really clearly struggling.)

So ridiculous to take a snotty ‘well we must be negligent because we didn’t hover over our child 24/7’ when the DH doesn’t want to be responsible for his child at all, and is refusing to care for her so op can work evenings.

I think he's only thinking about the money and not the reality of you having less time for housework etc. I mean, his argument for not letting you work evenings is that he doesn't want to work all day and then do childcare. This makes no sense since if you were also out working in the day why should YOU then do all the evening childcare?!

I do think that he's unhappy and it is a pressure to be sole earner. You may be ok without money for extras but maybe he's not. So I do think a compromise needs to be found.