He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I was going to write pretty much this.

Which post is that please?
To save some of us searching for it.

What if the DH.says he'd like to be sahp now then for next 4 years? Or is op only one who gets to decide their job/home input?

How is being able to afford bills a minor need?

The trouble is that he would only have to pay 12% of his gross income in Child Maintenance. So it would mean he would benefit greatly if he were to end the marriage and have contact EOW, no payment at all if he went for 50:50 and used the free 30 hours towards childcare when he is working.

You're gambling that he isn't aware of this yet.

Well, I'd put money on him absolutely not wanting to be the default parent tbh.

This 100%.

Some of the replies are insane. Seems a lot of women expect to never have to work again after having a baby. The entitlement is incredible.

I have a relative like this and she's now in a very precarious position in her 50s. Desperate to leave her husband but she can't support herself.

The childcare costs will be minimal as the child will be entitled to 30 hours a week and it doesn't sound like the OP wants to work anywhere near that!

I can see why he’d be so frustrated but I also see why it’s not possible for you both to work FT without putting her into childcare.

Why don’t you go back FT and then DH stay home with DD?
That way he isn’t working as hard and you’re able to contribute financially after a long time of not being able to.

Once she’s in FT then you can both go back FT or both go 0.8 or something.

He works five days a week and you are wanting him to work more ? For goodness sake look for a part time job to ease the pressure on him. If you are regularly falling behind with bills then you need a second income coming in part time at least.

Consider supply teaching. You don't have to accept all days/assignments, and you don't take home work. They're in desperate need of them in many areas.

I don't understand some of these comments.

Op's daughter potentially has additional needs which mean her adjustment to pre-school is a struggle and she could do with easing in and spending the rest of the time at home.

OP is looking after her full-time currently and offering to work in the evenings. OP gets a couple of hours free time while DD is at preschool and DH would get his time when DD is in bed, which is probably pretty early at preschool age.

If he considers weekends his downtime and says that would be ruined by having to look after DD himself, what does that say about how much he does at the weekend after OP has been looking after DD all week?

I don't see how OP is the bad guy for trying to look out for DD's best interest as she struggles with the adjustment to school 😕 She is not refusing to work, just asking him to look after his own child?? I bet OP doesn't currently get any 'downtime' over the weekend!

What I think he probably doesn't realise at all is that if you worked during the week, he would have more money but far less time (if he then took on his 50% of the life admin, cleaning, shopping, caring for your child).
But I do think he has a right to ask for a re-think or a compromise if he is very unhappy with how it is.
I think you should consider using some of your 30 hours childcare and at least working part time. But - as I say - he needs to be very prepared to pull his weight with the full time job that is running a home and raising a child.
Ideally (imo) he would agree to you working some weekend and evening hours and not view looking after your shared child as 'childcare' and more as parenting. That way, whilst she is struggling and goes through the process of a possible diagnoses, she is being cared for by her parents. It sounds fine to me, you could have family time together on a Sunday. By insisting your child go into full time nursery he is not considering her needs.

I agree with the supply teaching. You DO have to work, that's not up for debate, because it really doesn't look like you can afford your standard of living as it is. If bills are going unpaid, then I'm betting that your savings are also pretty slender.

OP, have you thought about platforms like preply? If you are a teacher (primary? secondary? subjects?) you could set yourself up as an online tutor to overseas children or young people - there are lots of families who are very keen to employ an English private tutor.

There are platforms like Preply, Tutorful etc. where you create a charming video that presses all the right buttons for your target audience, make sure you have a high quality mic and camera, a suitably bright and atmospheric background (not your kitchen!) and set your availability for the days your child is in nursery. It won't take off until you have a good supply of excellent reviews.

We have a language tutor on Preply for my older daughter, and she is booked solid all week.

Loving how you say he only works mon to fri 9-5

@Reugny

My SILs wouldn't have their careers, including one who is a high flyer, if my brothers hadn't stepped up and looked after their own children at night and at weekends
that's great to hear, your brothers are clearly good men and team players😊

Because, for crying out loud, some of us have worked full time with 2 kids with various disabilities. We know that it's hard, but kids have to go to school, unless you are suggesting this LO is going to be home schooled. There are countless people whose children have disabilities just getting on with it with no fuss, because they have to.

I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week.

That's obviously not possible. Your child should be in for the 30 hours. You can't afford otherwise, and it's not fair to dump it all on your husband.

He works five days a week and you are wanting him to work more ?

Yep just so she doesn’t have to go back to work after having 4 years off.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts Is your DH not concerned about DD's struggle to adjust/additional needs?

At this moment her DD hasn’t been diagnosed with anything. I am seeing a lot of excuses about behaviour etc. This will end in a broken marriage if this carries on.

There are so many options to teach online. You can walk into a from home TEFL Jon on about £12 ph early morning and late evening.

I support you being at home, I did same thing. You say you’ve gotten behind on some bills. I think considering part time work as you’ve done is a great idea. Don’t ask dh to approve it, just do it and show him how it helps the whole household. Part time teaching, perhaps at your D’s preschool or similar situation could also be an answer.

Your dd will be starting full time school in a year or so. Then you could teach while she’s at school, part time but with more hours/days. That way you will maintain a few days a week at home doing the work of the household and time with daughter, and still bring in money for bills.

You could cut back on some of the outgoings for your dd’s activities and expenses. Pick two and pare down other spending just a bit. Being a mother to that age is so so magical and I hope you’re able to work out something where both your dh and you are happy and that you get that crucial time at home and with your dd. Keep us posted on what you decide to do and how it goes. It is not easy finding a balance.

Honestly OP get a grip. If your daughter can handle 15 hours she can handle 30. Hiding behind “her behaviour “ and possible diagnoses is an excuse. Plenty of mothers of SEN kids work full time and yes it is hard but you have to stand on your own two feet and not rely on other people to carry you.

The jump to full time school will likely be incredibly hard for a child who has been at home so much and barely done a couple of mornings a week at nursery for less than a year. You keep saying what’s best for her is your priority but surely preparing her steadily for school hours is crucial at this point? School hours are non negotiable and keeping her at home as much as possible until the last minute is unlikely to help her as much as introducing her to longer days away from you would. I’m not saying full time but at least three days of similar length to school, then school won’t be as much of a shock to the system.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts it seems like it's your way or nothing. So you are offering to not work at all or work evenings. Your dh wants you to use perfectly viable childcare and working the day. This seems sensible given that you fall behind on bills and have nothing left over after necessities. Apparently your dd has all she wants. This seems unbalanced.

You are putting too much pressure on your DH to be the main earner. It's also leaving you vulnerable if he is unable to work or you split / he is not around for other reasons.

I suggest you go back to 3 day a week teaching. There's a shortage so part time roles are available. You might have to apply to full time adverts and request job shares.

In the meantime he shares more of the domestic burden. Fairs fair.

You can stop being butter about shouldering all of the domestic / childcare stuff and he can stop griping about working his arse off for nothing.

Central to your post is you think FT nursery will be bad for dd but it's not and you are acting like you can afford to not work which clearly isn't the case.