He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

He thinks it's unfair if OP specifically looks for evening work and he has a point. Doesn't mean he won't parent his child generally.

Whether the child is ND or not, this family cannot afford to continue in their current setup. That's the reality.

OP is leaving herself in a very vulnerable position if the marriage ever breaks up. What would she do then?

@UpsyDaisysarmpit Thank you 🙏You put it much better than I have done, it really isn’t that simple, if it was, I’d be doing it.
Thank you for understanding

I made that choice to stay at home with Dd

When you are part of a team you don't get to make that choice without agreement. You also need to be prepared to review that joint choice when it stops working for either of you.

You need to both sit down together and work out the options, logistics, financial implications and work out what is best for you as a team.

You discuss together what you feel is best for your family - there is balance between financial security and cosseting your dd. Your dd will need to adapt to school soon, she will just as easily adapt to childcare now if that is what you decide is holistically the best option for everyone. You need to accept your dh is struggling and bring that into the equation and find a solution together not fight against him to keep your own selfish comfortable status quo.

I know

She would likely work during the day. Same as, if the family broke up, he would likely have to start doing his own housework. As it is, they live together. He wants op to work, she has agreed that she’ll look for work in the evenings and at weekends, so he can share in the burden of childcare while she shares the burden of providing financially. He isn’t happy with that - but he can’t have it all ways.

It's not as simple as just going back to work with a special needs child. What about doing some child minding? You can do that while being home with DD.

@Kanaloa if you read my posts you will see that some of us had to do precisely that. I had to work, my kids went to breakfast club/childminders /nursery etc despite having health issues ASD etc. We just got on with it, that's life.

You need to sit down and explain to him that things need to change then.... from your posts it does sound like YOU are all too happy to make excuses and continue this arrangement.

It's excuse after excuse. Men often don't want to look after their kids but they DO! Lots of people manage what would you do if you was a single parent?

I would apply for a part time teaching post, or at least supply. Your DD will need to get used to being away from you when she starts school. She is not the only potential SEND kid they will have come across.

It’s so lucky that you are a qualified teacher. The holidays are fantastic when you have small children.

Supply is your friend here.
2 days a week. That's £200 a week term time only. DD goes to nursery those 2 days and uses 20 hours of her allocated 22 hours per week funding.

You are financially better off.
DD gets sick, you don't supply that day.

You do sound a bit ridiculous. Lots of people do this every day.

Go and tutor 2 evenings a week from 5-7pm.

My top concern and priority is my Dd, not having more money for things for ourselves, I don’t care about that.

But your DH does.

So you would rather sit on your lazy bum while having your husband working seven days a week to pay the bills.
If I were your husband I would be packing your bags.

Sounds to me that you may be living at the limit of your current earnings if "sometimes we fall behind with bill payments".

I'd hazard a guess that this means you are not getting a great financial buffer either in case one of you can't work for medical reasons or get made redundant.

So two choices, either reduce lifestyle (downsize, sell car, no holidays) or earn more money. Sounds like your partner currently feels he is at the limit of his earning potential.

I can understand the difficulties you're facing OP.

Your DH is clearly not understanding why it's difficult.

Presumably your DD will be going to full time school at some point in the reasonably near future? As a compromise, could you suggest to DH that you keep things the same for now, but once DD is in school sign up to a supply agency? You'd be able to do what you're trained in, within school hours, but without the extra time constraints that being a full time teacher puts on you.

You have the option then to accept or turn down work, depending on location or your DD.

As an aside though, if your DH is an employee, why isn't he being paid for his days off? He really should be!

This. I did break up with exH when my DC were 4 and 2. Luckily I worked 3 days a week (teaching too) and continued to do so. I worked my arse off tutoring once the kids were in bed to keep my house- my decision, could have sold but wanted to stay- mortgage was high, and even with generous maintenance from exDH it was hard work. I, like, single parents the world over, worked all day, then came in to make dinner, clean up and put them to bed, then I tutored 3 nights a week.

Now I have DC3 (10) who has significant ASN and medical problems. I work 4 days and DH works 4 days. We both get to spend time with him, and have down time whilst he's at school to sort house/ admin/ errands/ time to ourselves. Yes we're more skint, but not struggling as you are financially. We've done this since he was 3 and it works really well.

You're not the first mother of a child with ASN and you're being selfish. You have the training and opportunity to work, so you should.

I think the OP knows her husband more than any of us on here. If she says it will fall to her to do all drop offs/pick ups - cover when she’s ill ( and all the rest of it) then that’s the truth.

She’s come up with a solution that would mean she could instantly work - tutoring is lucrative per hour (unlike school hour jobs). Shock horror - he can’t possibly watch his kid for an hour after he gets in at 5?? A 4 year old really isn’t tricky. Most fathers would want to spend time with their kid after being at work all day.

She could even tutor at home - avoiding travel costs etc.

But no everyone says ‘get a job’ like it’s that easy to find a job around pre-school hours that pays well. That she could pick up at 3?
it would be a min wage job.
Teaching wouldn’t work - she’d have to get from the school where she is working to collect her DD by the time pre- school ends. Or pay for more childcare. Then most likely do everything when she gets home. Which adds to the stress with her DD.

I’m with you OP - you’ve come up with a good solution. He needs to look after his child for an hour or so. Still plenty of evening left, it doesn’t have to be every day.

Both of you are being unfair.

Hes unreasonable to say he won't look after DD evenings or weekends when this flexibility would work for you being able to earn.

You're unreasonable to say you have a nice life and want for nothing but you fall behind on bills.

You're also unreasonable to dictate when he takes his holidays, and the fact that you think he should work them for extra money.

Child minding sounds a good idea, you'd be well qualified for it. And how about things like marking exams, invigilating etc?

Not really read the thread but I wonder if this actually a difference of opinion about daughter SEN needs. Four is young to be struggling with ADHD - why do you think that that is what it is?.

in any event,I can imagine DH agreeing to you being off when DC was baby but thinks that you are using the SEN as an excuse to extend that period off work. It is really hard to know what an equitable outcome is without having a better understanding of the extent of DC's needs

some of these comments are bat shit, when OP is caring for her child is ‘work’ when they talk about her DH looking after DD its just ‘being a parent’

Double standards at play indeed.

The OP is the only unreasonable one here, and it’s odd anyone can even argue the other side.

They are entitled to 30 hrs free childcare, the OP refuses to use this and work in the day, instead wanting to work evenings and weekends which puts further pressure on her DH.

Also the comments around him taking annual leave instead of working overtime are shocking.

Also I may add DDs lack of hours currently could very well be the reason she is struggling so much!

But so does she? Apart from a couple of hours a week, when she will be doing all the housework, she will either be working or doing childcare. Why is it a problem for him but not for her?

Unless he's really depressed and feeling awful, I can't understand an adult putting their minor needs over a small child who didn't ask to be brought into this world...

It's only a year, everyone needs to be flexible

I agree with your husband.

why does he have to solely fund the family?

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts keep this up and you might not have a husband to provide for you. Your posts hold so much contempt for your husband. You obviously have no respect for him, the way you talk about him is just criticism after criticism.

Incidentally contempt and criticism are 2 of the 4 horsemen of relationship doom. Major predictors of divorce as shown by research.

Just something to ponder

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

How can she tutor if her H refuses to look after his own child for a couple of hours?

OP, he sounds like a shit father.