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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for your help in how to say this tomorrow morning?

148 replies

MyHeadIsRuined · 07/12/2022 20:38

Relations between me and my in-laws are basically non-existent, but my husband has asked me to meet with them tomorrow and tell them how I feel, as a last chance.

They are difficult. They don't take criticism well, they will argue with any examples I give, they do not apologise, his mum will cry. If they even listen, his mum is likely to forget about it five minutes later and go back to what suits her... but I've said I'll try.

They were "okay" when we met, other than a bizarre insistence that they saw DH every week. They've got progressively worse. During lockdown, they kept appearing outside our window (an hour away!) to watch us, without saying anything until someone noticed they were there 🥴 When I was pregnant, they called all the time to shout at us that we were ruining it for them by not finding out what the baby was, or announcing it publicly. From 7 months pregnant, they hassled my hospital, which meant when their answer to whether I was there changed slightly (as I was), they turned up and DH had to leave me being prepared for a cat 1 C-section to get them to go away. They sent flowers signed from my dead parents. They drove around pubs to find where we were, and crashed a whole meal. There are SO many examples.

I don't want a relationship with them. I can see how their toxic nature has affected DH, and I don't want that around my son. His mum has proven that she can't be trusted with him; she won't listen to us, and she deliberately goes against what we say. I'm done with the 30 missed calls because DH hasn't answered his phone, the random visits, the constant pressure to see them. I think DH should go by himself; and when DS is older, he can go to if the in-laws have proven themselves to be trustworthy... but he says that's what they want, and he doesn't want to go without us, so I've said I'll try.

They have asked me to wipe the slate clean but followed this up by saying I have no right to say they can't see DS on Christmas Day (we're not with them this year) so I don't feel that they're actually going to listen to me... I'd put money on them agreeing, and then turning up to wherever they think we'll be anyway.

Where do I start? Do I even try?

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 07/12/2022 20:41

I doubt it's worth trying as anything you say will just be twisted to show them as the victim.

The only advantage in trying could be if your dh then is able to see how totally unreasonable they are.

StoneofDestiny · 07/12/2022 20:48

I think they are very very disturbed people and are beyond 'reasoning with'. I'd be very forceful in telling them they cannot stalk you the way they are doing, and if they do you will involve the police. I cannot see any advantage in keeping them in your lives.

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2022 20:49

Honestly? I wouldn’t be able to have contact with them at all. Your husband needs to get himself a backbone.

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2022 20:51

Don’t go
They are nuts and you and your child don’t need that in your lives. It’s up to your DH what he does but you don’t have to get involvec

Comtesse · 07/12/2022 20:51

your OP says you don’t want a relationship with them - why are you giving this another go? Who is asking you to do this? Sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse…..

Gindrinker43 · 07/12/2022 20:52

And I thought my MIL was bad. I’ve not got any advice apart from to move and don’t tell them where you are.
im sorry they are so awful and your MIL is never going to change. Perhaps use this opportunity to tell her you are going non contact and leave it there.

takealettermsjones · 07/12/2022 20:52

You say, "no, DH, I won't be doing that." And then you take yourself out for lunch while he deals with them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2022 20:53

He can tell them how you feel. It's utterly futile to try to install normality in them, it won't take.

magicalorange · 07/12/2022 20:53

Fuck no. Not a chance I'd meet with them. They sound insane.

dolor · 07/12/2022 20:54

Fuck no, I wouldn't bother. They sound creepy as hell.

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 07/12/2022 20:56

No. I wouldn't bother. I seriously doubt they'll change, and they sound horrendous, and creepy.

Original poster
MyHeadIsRuined · 07/12/2022 20:57

This is what I suspected.

DH seems to agree with me, but says he's had the conversation with them three times now and they're not getting it.

I've tried to ask him to at least contemplate that it's not a problem with how he's explaining it, it's that they just don't listen and can't change, but he really doesn't want to accept that.

I'm at a real loss.

OP posts:
ColdHandsHotHead · 07/12/2022 20:58

They sent your flowers 'signed' by your dead parents?

They are mad. I wouldn't go near them.

Stressedmum2017 · 07/12/2022 20:59

I don't understand why your husband is allowing any of this?? I would actually be questioning my marriage if I was in your position... They sound completely unhinged, sending you flowers from your dead parents and he's still trying to facilitate a relationship. No lovely.

Annabananna1 · 07/12/2022 20:59

To be honest I'd be letting DH know that I would be leaving HIM unless he is prepared to accept that I am low/no contact with his parents. He has to be on board with that or this will just be a reoccurring thing for years and years and years. Surely he can see that they are very difficult. He can see and speak to them, obviously. But you shouldn't be forced to.

ChristmasJoysuckers · 07/12/2022 20:59

I wouldn't bother either. They are using you to get what they want, Xmas day.

Drop the rope. It's not for them to tell you,you need to move on when it's damage caused by them to you!!

How dare they abuse you then abuse you further by telling you, you must wipe the slate clean.

You need to be very very stern with your DH.tell him.you don't trust them at all and you won't wait for them to insult your intelligence by bullying you again and then trying to manipulate you into doing the next thing they want.

No. Enough.

He deals with them.
They have blown it.
Over time perhaps their actions may speak volumes but right now,no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2022 21:00

MyHeadIsRuined · 07/12/2022 20:57

This is what I suspected.

DH seems to agree with me, but says he's had the conversation with them three times now and they're not getting it.

I've tried to ask him to at least contemplate that it's not a problem with how he's explaining it, it's that they just don't listen and can't change, but he really doesn't want to accept that.

I'm at a real loss.

If you insist on seeing them, flip it.

"DH says I have to give you a chance to change. What do you think you need to do differently?" If it's "nothing" you say "that's what I assumed, take care I won't be in touch again" smile and leave.

ChristmasJoysuckers · 07/12/2022 21:01

Op ,then stop explaining it to him!

Say enough, don't meet them , don't care and you deaw that line inthe sand.

StoneofDestiny · 07/12/2022 21:01

Show your DH this thread?

808Kate1 · 07/12/2022 21:03

They sent flowers signed from my dead parents.

Bloody hell that's way below the belt! Hideous behaviour.

During lockdown, they kept appearing outside our window (an hour away!) to watch us, without saying anything until someone noticed they were there

Sorry, that made me laugh a bit but it is massively creepy!

They sound bonkers and beyond reasoning with. I'd keep my kid away from them, they'll just try and get inside his head and it spells trouble for the future. They're not going to change so cut the ties.

tuvamoodyson · 07/12/2022 21:04

Why would you even consider this? Your husband sounds as nutty as them!

picklemewalnuts · 07/12/2022 21:04

Ask him if he wants to end up involving the police because of their stalking and harassment? He needs to do the minimum necessary to keep them quiet- like visiting them alone occasionally- and keeping you out of it.

Mammajay · 07/12/2022 21:06

The best arrangement with in-laws like this is to avoid them and don't let them into your home. Their son can visit them and take the GC for short visits, if you are happy with that

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2022 21:06

Don’t see them. Read Toxic Inlaws, know you’re not alone but this lot are particularly horrific, and carry oh protecting yourself and your son. Your DH is stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) but that doesn’t give him the right to drag you into the sheer insanity.

TheTartfulLodger · 07/12/2022 21:10

I would be inclined not to go because you already know this is not going to work. I think it wiser to keep contact to the absolute minimum for your own mental well being before they drag you down with them. This is dysfunction at its finest.