To ask for your help in how to say this tomorrow morning?

[MyHeadIsRuined]

Relations between me and my in-laws are basically non-existent, but my husband has asked me to meet with them tomorrow and tell them how I feel, as a last chance.

They are difficult. They don't take criticism well, they will argue with any examples I give, they do not apologise, his mum will cry. If they even listen, his mum is likely to forget about it five minutes later and go back to what suits her... but I've said I'll try.

They were "okay" when we met, other than a bizarre insistence that they saw DH every week. They've got progressively worse. During lockdown, they kept appearing outside our window (an hour away!) to watch us, without saying anything until someone noticed they were there 🥴 When I was pregnant, they called all the time to shout at us that we were ruining it for them by not finding out what the baby was, or announcing it publicly. From 7 months pregnant, they hassled my hospital, which meant when their answer to whether I was there changed slightly (as I was), they turned up and DH had to leave me being prepared for a cat 1 C-section to get them to go away. They sent flowers signed from my dead parents. They drove around pubs to find where we were, and crashed a whole meal. There are SO many examples.

I don't want a relationship with them. I can see how their toxic nature has affected DH, and I don't want that around my son. His mum has proven that she can't be trusted with him; she won't listen to us, and she deliberately goes against what we say. I'm done with the 30 missed calls because DH hasn't answered his phone, the random visits, the constant pressure to see them. I think DH should go by himself; and when DS is older, he can go to if the in-laws have proven themselves to be trustworthy... but he says that's what they want, and he doesn't want to go without us, so I've said I'll try.

They have asked me to wipe the slate clean but followed this up by saying I have no right to say they can't see DS on Christmas Day (we're not with them this year) so I don't feel that they're actually going to listen to me... I'd put money on them agreeing, and then turning up to wherever they think we'll be anyway.

Where do I start? Do I even try?

Life is too short to have to put up with this sort of behaviour from people.
I wouldn’t meet up with them. People like this are fully aware of what they are doing, even if you tell them how you feel they won’t see the problem. They think behaviour like theirs is normal, and they will claim your reaction is abnormal. Trust me, I’ve been in a similar situation. Low to no contact is the only way to deal with toxic people like your in-laws.

What will happen is they will talk about what they want and won’t give you chance to speak.
if you must go I agree with PP and stay silent.

Nothing good will come if this meeting and they will play victim over and over.

Tell them you will be staying in Spain over Christmas.

DH seems to agree with me, but says he's had the conversation with them three times now and they're not getting it.

If they’re not hearing what your DH is saying, they are certainly not going to hear it from you.

I fear you are being set up to be the bad guy OP - from both your DH and the in laws.

I wouldn't even bother. At this point the only thing I would have to say at this point is contact me, my DC or approach us again and I will involve police for harassment. What DH does with this nutso fucking parents is up to him. Protect yourself and leave him to sort it - he's trying to sideline out of standing up to his parents himself and getting you to do it instead.

Is it even worth going OP?!

I'd move house & change my phone number. When I was married I made the mistake of living round the corner from my IL, it was the biggest mistake I ever made. When ds was born dh & I did the nights in shifts, I went to bed early, dh did the late feed & brought ds to bed, he was in charge until 2.00am & then I took over & usually went downstairs around 5.00am so he could sleep. I would feed ds & then try to nap on the sofa, I would just be dropping off & MIL would be tapping on the window as she walked the dog & went to wait for the papershop to open, this would wake me up, then ds would start screaming. I asked dh to ask her to leave us alone but he was too spineless to do it, I tried telling her & then we had the tears & sil ringing me up to go mad at me for upsetting her.

I wouldn't go and if they turn up wherever you are on Christmas Day or somewhere they think you are and you find out I would be inclined to report to the police as stalkers. You need to be extremely clear with DH, if you waver at all he will be less inclined to stick to your solid boundaries where his parents are concerned.

I wouldn't meet them under any circumstances. They're batshit.
Your DH needs to open his eyes. Why on earth does he think he can ask this of you? Massively skewed priorities there.
I sometimes roll my eyes at women on here saying go NC when the MIL puts one foot out of line, but in this case it's honestly the only healthy choice for you.

That doesn't work for me. We won't be seeing you on Christmas Day, and if you turn up uninvited we shan't be coming to the door.

I get that they are DH's parents and so he wants to try and recover the relationship but I really can't see the point. You wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone else. If they were a partner you'd leave them.

Agree with this. Based on what they say will decide how you move forward (I wouldn't be after this) but make it clear that 1 more weird act and you will get a restraining order. Be very clear on your boundaries

Can't see this changing though. Flowers from your dead parents...what was the explanation to this??

This is exactly what's going on. Your husband is deep in the FOG. I have one like that - we've been married 35 years. His parents aren't as nuts as yours but the 'she cries' comment is very familiar, and father in law shouts to bully my husband. FIL is 92 now and still shouts at DH. MIL now also cries down the phone to my adult children.

You're wasting your breath trying to talk to them. Step away, and move house if you can!

OP, this goes beyond 'toxic', it sounds like the behaviour of people with significant mental health issues. Have one or both of them ever been diagnosed with anything? If it's MH, all the talking and reasoning in the world won't help...they need MH support.

DH seems to agree with me, but says he's had the conversation with them three times now and they're not getting it.

Why do they need to get it? You have made your decision, and you’re happy with it. Just remember that.

Go and be the grey rock, under no circumstances explain how you feel or anything that has gone. It will only be used against you.
As PP said, if you feel able "we can meet you once a month and we will let you know the details the week before. There may be times where we cannot keep this commitment". Then repeat, no emotion to responses and grey rock. Personally I'd also have this meeting in a safe neutral space in case they get shirty.

Good lord. I agree with PP - drop the rope. Giving this energy and thought and “normal person behaviour” just gives it oxygen.

You can't reason with stupidity - I moved house to get away from my in laws

I think DH should go by himself; and when DS is older, he can go to if the in-laws have proven themselves to be trustworthy... but he says that's what they want, and he doesn't want to go without us, so I've said I'll try.

You don’t have to do this, fix this, be part of this. You (quite reasonably, as they sound completely insane) do not want a relationship with your in-laws.

If your DH doesn’t want a relationship with his parents that’s up to him.

Would your DH be on your side if MIL starts the crying dramatics and how everyone hates her etc?

I would go with questions not statements. They want a clean slate, so how do they think they have behaved inappropriately? Lots of what do you think the impact on DH and I is? Why did you...? Why do you think that's ok?
They sound crazy. You will achieve nothing with them by meeting, but it may be a chance to detangle DH.

I think your conversation should involve “Since you won’t hear it from DH, I’m going to tell you myself that this is your last chance to start respecting our boundaries, or we will get the police involved.”

This is good

You’re hoping to find the magic words to fix them, there are no magic words. You cannot win with people this entitled and delusional, the only thing you can do is not play. They will poison every moment of joy you have if you allow them to. I’m sorry they aren’t supportive or empathetic or mature. It sucks.

No OP I’m sorry I stopped reading after they sent you flowers signed from your dead parents.

You do not need to meet them half way. If my in laws did something like that to me my husband would cut them out of our lives so quickly they wouldn’t know what hit them.

You need to be firm in your boundaries. Your husband could see them alone if he wanted but he doesn’t because he will have their sole attention. He wants you there to hide behind you not to mend bridges.

Families are complicated but his are completely nuts. Have you considered at any point logging all this with the police? It is sheer harassment!

You and your son deserve peace and your husband should be in your corner.

Where do I start? Do I even try?

No.