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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CSA - they do fuck all

86 replies

dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:36

Long story short.

My exh is self employed. Pays the minimum they can get.

I've had a variation applied every year. Every year it comes back he should be paying more. Nothing ever gets done.

Ever. He owes £11k to my daughter.

He was supposed to pay £300 this month as I'd had a variation applied again. They sent £140.

I am so sick of this.

Every month I call them and say he hasn't paid the full amount. Every month they add it to the debt they never do fuck all about.

My aibu is nothing really just what the actual can I do.

I'm sick of this.

I just wanted a rant.

I've been to court, the amount has been applied by the court. He doesn't pay it ever. He didn't even turn up to any of the hearings.

I am sooo sick of it.

I want this fucker to pay because what he owes her would pay for her uni fees or a house deposit or anything really for her.

Why is our system so fucked up that nothing is ever fucking done.

I'm just on my last nerve and I'm sick of them doing fuck all.

If I contact my mp can anyone help me with a letter?

This is shit. I don't "Need" it but ffs she will one day.

I'm just so angry tonight about it all. I will need to spend another two hours on hold to the CMS again tomorrow and they will just mark it down on my case and do fuck all again.

Is there anyone who can help me.

Is there a csa person who can do an ama so I can understand why it's so shit for the resident parent.

OP posts:
Widilo · 07/12/2022 20:39

Agree 100%

There is absolutely no political will to enforce or change the system. Ex owes me 6k. Had a message from CMS the other day (first time in 12 months). Called them to see what they wanted

Oh hello, we’re just wondering if you know where your ex is….

You are the fucking GOVERNMENT fgs. You literally have access to all tax records, NI records, DVLA, passport and health info. You want me to tell you where he is?

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:41

That is still quite long. I'm sorry. I'm just so pissed off and frustrated with it all.

The people who actually need this. I despair. It's just so wrong. For the children, for the parents who are shouldering the non or not full payments.

I can't understand how these people live with themselves. Its disgusting.

Yet no one in any political party does anything for us.

I'm having a glass of wine and some cheese before my head falls off.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 07/12/2022 20:41

At least they've kept the arrears you'll never get on record. They sent me a letter saying mine were wiped and there was no option to appeal this decision! Absolute joke. I've now decided I'm better off living in poverty that dealing with the stress CMS (and of course my ex) have caused me. It's hard though thinking about how I could improve my DC's lives with those thousands of £

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:42

Widilo · 07/12/2022 20:39

Agree 100%

There is absolutely no political will to enforce or change the system. Ex owes me 6k. Had a message from CMS the other day (first time in 12 months). Called them to see what they wanted

Oh hello, we’re just wondering if you know where your ex is….

You are the fucking GOVERNMENT fgs. You literally have access to all tax records, NI records, DVLA, passport and health info. You want me to tell you where he is?

It is vile.

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:43

liveforsummer · 07/12/2022 20:41

At least they've kept the arrears you'll never get on record. They sent me a letter saying mine were wiped and there was no option to appeal this decision! Absolute joke. I've now decided I'm better off living in poverty that dealing with the stress CMS (and of course my ex) have caused me. It's hard though thinking about how I could improve my DC's lives with those thousands of £

It's disgusting. How can they wipe debt for something like this.

We should be like America.

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:46

And you know what, when you tell anyone who has never been in this situation they say "oh the CMS will sort it all out" I fully believed that myself.

Until you are in the same situation and see that it's not like what your read in the papers then no one believes that's the case.

I'm just worn out with it.

I won't stop though.

OP posts:
Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 07/12/2022 20:47

Honestly, OP, I spent years being stressed out by my ex and the lack of help the CSA/CMS seemed able to give. So I closed the case and have had peace of mind since. Accepting he was never going to,pay, regardless of the law and moral obligations was emotionally very freeing for me. I know it’s not the answer for everyone, but it worked well for me.

liveforsummer · 07/12/2022 20:47

In my case it was because he told them he was going to pay me a bit more than the £7pw fpr 2 dc that they'd calculated so they figured eventually he would clear those arrears on his own (all 7k of it - would take years 😆) of course that hasn't happened but they are gone now. He happily told me all his money was going in to his girlfriends bank so they could ever ask him to pay more

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:50

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 07/12/2022 20:47

Honestly, OP, I spent years being stressed out by my ex and the lack of help the CSA/CMS seemed able to give. So I closed the case and have had peace of mind since. Accepting he was never going to,pay, regardless of the law and moral obligations was emotionally very freeing for me. I know it’s not the answer for everyone, but it worked well for me.

At this point I am never going to stop being a thorn in his side.

I know what your saying and I get it. Maybe I will reach that point myself.

Who knows.

I'm just so angry. It's all male oriented all of it. The gender pay gap, the gender self id. This.

Where will it end.

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 20:50

He happily told me all his money was going in to his girlfriends bank so they could ever ask him to pay more

This is the real reason why nothing ever changes.

When some men find a new partner, and start a family, it’s as if the previous family and THEIR children, never existed.

Hence they want to engineer a situation where the lowest possible figure is paid out to the ex and their children , so that all their money goes towards their current .

Because a fair few male MPs (and the recent ex Prime Minister) have started new families etc, they probably don’t see any reason to change things.

StrawberryWater · 07/12/2022 20:51

CSA sucks and will continue to suck until there ar e proper consequences for non payers.

In parts of the US they actually garner wages, size assets, revoke driving licenses and send people to jail for non payment.

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 20:56

At the min I am just angry. No idea where it's come from tonight as this has been going on for years but tonight I'm just so fucked off with it all for everyone.

If the government wanted to do something about it they would. They haven't. It's not on anyone's policies and no one gives a shit it seems.

Yet if these fuckers paid then people could potentially not need food banks, go back to work for more hours, reducing the need on the state but no. Let's just let them not pay it seems.

OP posts:
Dogsinthecradle · 07/12/2022 20:58

My ex has paid a full pound in 25 years
the csa where worse than useless-they kept losing two of my children on their system and kept telling me that he had no money
no money my backside-he went on 4 holidays abroad a year
They kept writing to me saying he owed me £7 a month-like that was going to pay for 3 kids
i tried everything-they did nothing-and in the end wiped his debts
i was overpaid by 1k in (then) tax credits and they made sure I paid back every bloody penny-why they couldn’t do that to him is beyond me

Ivyblu · 07/12/2022 21:01

Have you tried taking it to the next stage? The tribunal?

Following as my ex has just decided to do this also OP. I have reported him to HMRC as he is on company house with others using various addresses.

AnneElliott · 07/12/2022 21:03

It's an absolute scandal that men get away with not financially supporting their children. But with political parties comprised of mainly men then I guess it would be turkeys voting for Christmas!

I'd definitely vote for a party that had a serious proposal to resolve this - how many children could we lift out of poverty if their fathers supported them as they should?

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:09

Ivyblu · 07/12/2022 21:01

Have you tried taking it to the next stage? The tribunal?

Following as my ex has just decided to do this also OP. I have reported him to HMRC as he is on company house with others using various addresses.

Thank you - how do I do this please

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:13

AnneElliott · 07/12/2022 21:03

It's an absolute scandal that men get away with not financially supporting their children. But with political parties comprised of mainly men then I guess it would be turkeys voting for Christmas!

I'd definitely vote for a party that had a serious proposal to resolve this - how many children could we lift out of poverty if their fathers supported them as they should?

If there was a party that promised this I would vote for them also.

There are none.

There should be.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 07/12/2022 21:13

At least you get something my ex has been on benefits for 6/7 years so he has been assessed as only having to pay £7 per week which they never ever send, the arrears have been wiped also so no point keeping it open really

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 21:18

Yup. My dad never paid a penny for me. Meanwhile he and his other family enjoyed multiple holidays to America per year, he ran his own business, owned his own home and had several expensive cars over the years. I mean 50k cars. Not one penny. Not one. I grew up on poverty. And he wonders why I can’t forgive him.

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:19

If there was I would leaflet to absolute fuck. I'd help promote them in any way I could!!!

As I am sure loads of people on here would also.

I'm just sick of it all and mindful that there are thousands of us in this same position.

It's shite

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:23

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 21:18

Yup. My dad never paid a penny for me. Meanwhile he and his other family enjoyed multiple holidays to America per year, he ran his own business, owned his own home and had several expensive cars over the years. I mean 50k cars. Not one penny. Not one. I grew up on poverty. And he wonders why I can’t forgive him.

Mine didn't either. It hurts and it's not right.

I'm really sorry you have had to go through that.

At the age of 11 I requested my step dad adopted me and he did! My biological dad has never made an appearance and I am glad. But that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:24

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 21:18

Yup. My dad never paid a penny for me. Meanwhile he and his other family enjoyed multiple holidays to America per year, he ran his own business, owned his own home and had several expensive cars over the years. I mean 50k cars. Not one penny. Not one. I grew up on poverty. And he wonders why I can’t forgive him.

My daughter is going through the exact same right now and I hate him for this. He's such a prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:27

I'm sorry we are not in poverty. I cannot imagine what that felt like. So it's not the same. I just meant my ex is the same - luxurious holidays etc. he has no idea
If we are in need or not.

OP posts:
MrsPepperpot79 · 07/12/2022 21:29

Oh yes. Had one lot of arrears wiped. He's run up a second lot, owes his kids nearly 9k. I've tried garnering wages- he went self employed and company TOLD csa he'd done it to avoid paying. He reported no income - but was renting and going on holidays. Reported to HMRC - fuck all happened. CSA keep discouraging trying a variation. Finally took him to court, CCJ and bailiffs. They went round and said he had nothing worth taking. And now, he's apparently untraceable, no bills etc and they asked me to find him!!! Told them where his fiancee is but apparently can't use that to locate him. And the kicker? He's infertile - made me go through IVF for the kids he was desperate for, who he then walked out on after a year, that he doesn't pay for or speak to.
Waiting for karma to bite him as CSA clearly not going to!

Original poster
dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 21:29

It's just a crap system. Nothing gets done.

Debt gets wiped. Mostly men get away with it all.

Mostly women shoulder it all. Its expected. But don't pay your csa well then don't worry about it.

OP posts: