To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

She really should have informed him earlier but he could have waited for her. It's 45 mins in a warm car and he couldn't have entertained his own toddler in it? I've done it myself plenty of times. He could have gone for a short drive, gone to a supermarket, etc.

And of course he didn't have to either sit in a cold car, or leave the engine running, or bring the toddler out in the cold... how difficult is it to find somewhere warm indoors (supermarket / cafe / etc.) to entertain the toddler for half an hour?? You would have done that, OP, but he just didn't want to. And your DD will remember that.

Your daughter is expected to be slightly unreasonable at 16 - that’s what 16 years do. You and your husband should be the adults - the expectation was he would collect her - she is right when she said it want her fault. I would be very very pissed off with my husband if he wouldn’t wait my daughter as arranged through no fault of her one because it he couldn’t entertain your todddler or it would interfere with bath time……those are really shit excuses and your whole post came across that the toddler was more important and no doubt she felt that too hence why she bombarded you with texts. You should be pissed off with your husband for not getting her as promised and yourself for not insisting that he did instead of using bath time as a reason to leave a 16 to get a long bus home on her one on a December night. This is pretty obvious.

I wouldn't be thrilled about it or relishing the thought, that's for sure.

But... I'd have a flexible enough approach to consider the other people affected, most of all my infant sibling who would be fed up, tired, and possibly cold for 45 mins due to the change of plan. So whilst I'd be disappointed and thinking FFS this is a pile of shit, I wouldn't bombard anyone with texts to pile pressure onto them when they are 30 miles away at work and can't do anything about it. I'd huff to myself and get on the bus.

But then, I'm almost 40. At 16 would I have taken that approach? Probably not. So maybe this is a typical teen reaction. 🤷‍♀️

Your DD should have phoned earlier. Looks like it was at half-time? But step dad was already nearly there so I think he should have stayed. Turning around and leaving her to get the bus is a little off. No DH should not have embroiled you that was just flaky.
No-one would suggest a mum couldn't entertain their toddler for 40 mins in a warm car or take them to get a snack at a local shop.

Maybe she’ll call and let him know before he leaves home next time, she had plenty of time!

She should of course, I agree, and I think a conversation afterwards to say if it happens again DH won't wait around would have been appropriate. But turning around and driving home and leaving her to get the bus? I do think that's just a little bit cruel.

But it was the DDs fault, she could’ve avoided a potential 45 min wait for her SD and DS, she just didn’t bother to advise until after they left.

Team #OP here. DD shouldn't have chopped and changed and your DH should have handled this. Have a large 🍷

You seem to be able to identify that the toddler would have been fed up and tired but not the same emotions in a 16yo. Everything says she’s bottom of the pile. Work comes first, toddler comes first, Step dad having to be inconvenienced comes first. She’s still young. It’s cold. She’s probably been out of the house for ten hours already. Cut the kid some slack.

I feel for you with how stressed you are. But I do feel sorry for your 16yo. It can be very shit being the oldest with a big age gap. Smaller siblings are always always prioritised. Sometimes they do need to be yes, but when you’re a teenager it’s hard to see this every time and it stings. She was hoping for a lift home in a warm car but toddler needed a bath. At 16, I would have been annoyed too- rationally or not.

could dh have watched 20 min of the game with toddler and stayed in car 20 mins with music on or YouTube on his phone? Or driven to nearby shop for a bit? Was toddler very dirty and had to have bath at bang on 6? Or could it have waited a little bit?

It’s up to the adults not the child.

I really don’t think 45 minutes is that long. I have a toddler who I regularly take to his siblings football matches and training.

Yes. I expect she does feel that she is at the bottom of the list.

I sympathise with everyone here tbh as someone who’s been a cold tired teenager longing for a warm car in November weather, a toddler parent struggling to fit other life stuff around their bedtime and a mum wanting to scream because of whiny kids and husbands. I think it’s a bit unreasonable to be cross at your husband for not sorting it out himself though. If she was in nightmare kick-off fifteen-texts-in-a-row mode I think it’s quite right that he reverted back to her parent. She needs to be told very sharply not to act like that when you’re at work.

I do feel a bit sorry for your daughter all this post screams is toddler, toddler, toddler, to your daughter she is still your baby too and seems to be wanting attention that your toddler gets I know she's not a baby, but I get the impression she feels pushed out, your husband should have just turned around quickly gone home put the baby in a quick bath, pjs on and got back in the car, if he'd have been 10 minutes late at least your daughter would not be walking to the bus stop in the cold and the dark, she obviously doesn't like it, try to think how she is feeling, not everything should revolve around toddler, also if she did have a bath before or after six it's no big deal, it sounds a bit regimented. X

I'd be annoyed at the practice end time being changed so late. I hate it when people do that sort of thing, like I have nothing else to think about but their whims.

I have mixed thoughts. I know at 16, I'd have been taking the bus there and back every time. No lifts for me.

On the other hand, as a Mum of a few kids, I don't see hanging around with the toddler being a big deal. You just have to sometimes. Go to a cafe, supermarket, walk, read books, hang around, whatever. If toddlers routine is messed with, they'll adapt. Just how it is in a busy family life.

Another thought is that when teen informed of the later finish time, they could have just been told they need to take the bus then. They have to be adaptable too, especially when things change.

DH shouldn't have involved you. He should have been able to sort it himself.

I hope you get a good break soon OP.

Yeah. Step dad offering to drive an hour round trip with toddler in tow to collect her this morning so she didn't have to get the bus really screams "bottom of the pile".

As does an unwell mum driving an hour round trip last week for the same reason.

She's most definitely not bottom of the pile and I can identify with her emotions. But in this instance I feel she could have been more flexible and less self centred 🤷‍♀️

Can you honestly say that if you were cold and tired and looking forward to getting a lift, and were suddenly told 'Nope, walk 10 mins in the cold and get the bus instead' you wouldn't mind?? I certainly would, and I'm no snowflake

You are missing the point. She would have got a lift if she thought about somebody other than herself and communicated the change to the kick off time. She is 16 so probably rather proficient at using a mobile phone.

The man then gave priority to the toddler which given the situation was perfectly reasonable. A gentle life lesson to the 16 year old. I am sure she will recover from the torture of having to get the bus rather than a lift.

Geez some of you make out like she had to make her way home dodging live rounds of fire in Ukraine.

I would be very very pissed off with my husband if he wouldn’t wait my daughter as arranged through no fault of her one

But it was her fault!!

Indeed but given her reaction to missing one lift I don't think she'd thank anyone for suggesting she shouldn't get any.

He wasn't saying he couldn't play with his own child, was he? He was going to be playing with her whether she was at school or at home. The difference is that it would be infinitely more difficult where there was nothing for her to play with.

I think your DH was unreasonable - he must have been nearly there?

I spent years hoicking baby/toddler DS around the elder two's activities in the evenings after a full day at work. He loved going round to KFC as a toddler for a bag of chips!! (I hate KFC but needs must!) I think it was really stupid to turn round and go home without DD after having already driven 30 minutes!

Let it go though - set a few ground rules so this kind of thing doesn't happen again.

I think he was a bit mean for not picking her up. Plans change all the time, not her fault. I can understand why she didn’t want to walk in the cold and dark and then sit on a bus for 30 mins. To her it must seem that the baby is the priority. She was phoning you at work for back up. She wanted you to say to your DH ‘sorry I know you’ve got to hang around with baby, but thanks so much for picking her up.’

He wasn't saying he couldn't play with his own child, was he? He was going to be playing with her whether she was at school or at home. The difference is that it would be infinitely more difficult where there was nothing for her to play with.

Spot on