To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Do you take them with appropriate clothing as you know you are going to be waiting around in the cold?

It's a toddler. They'll find something to explore or play with. Especially outdoors. Generally all you have to do is follow them around and talk to them a bit.

I think your DH was unreasonable - he must have been nearly there?

Yes he was. Faced with 45 mins in the car waiting then another 30 mins home - so 1 hr 15 in total. Versus turning around there and then and being home in 30 mins. He chose the latter because DD had the means of getting home another way - she just didn't want to.

In the pitch black, on a football pitch, on a cold December evening, when they’re at their worst because it’s the end of the day and they’re tired.

@lifeinthehills
He wouldn't have put her gloves or hat in the car as he assumed they wouldn't be getting out. So getting her out the car wouldn't have been a good idea as she'd have been cold.

On the other hand, if the 16 year old had reasonable consideration, her text would have said "If that causes a problem I can get the bus".

Who says she'd have to walk to the bus stop in the dark? OP says it's well lit.

The message she got was tiddlers bath was more important than her. My mum and step dad pulled this stuff all the time. Routines didn't matter when I was small but they did for the subsequent siblings. Had to fend for myself amongst other things. Don't let the small things add up and cause a rift

You said earlier he had pre booked commitments, then said here it was appointments and your OP said he stayed at home all to look after toddler.

He could get your daughter at 5pm, however refused to wait so drove 30 mins there and 30 mins back without so I wasnt sure when these commitments/appointments were supoosed to be and if this was the reason he couldn't wait 45 mins for her.

Maybe he got you involved because it's not his daughter and wants you to have the final say with her and doesn't want to step on your toes?

By all means be annoyed at them both and if your this stressed and hanging bu a thread then you really need you assess what's going on and how much more your husband can do to to help rather than getting angry at a typical 16 year old for wanting a lift. It sounds like he caused a fair part of the drama tonight but it's the 16 year old you are gunning for.

Of course she doesnt mind getting the bus to meet friends, it's a situation that isn't comparable to tonight's situation so its unfair to use that against her.

I've done it many a time. With lots of kids, sometimes there's no choice.

Yes all very well lit. Busy city centre.

Well lit streets or not, it's still dark and it doesn't mean someone can't still be worried or be bothered about being out alone.

My local area is well lit but I still dont like walking around alone in parts of it

Fair enough. Maybe keep some in the back of the car for emergencies? If he ever broke down or got stuck somewhere, it can be handy to have. We're quite outdoorsy, so I have this stuff by default in case of unanticipated conditions. It's been useful once or twice.

This situation will blow over. If it's the first time it's happened, use it as a discussion point for how things will be handled in future if there's a change. Hanging around would have been fine for some but, if not suitable for any reason, plan B needs to be understood in advance. Then DD won't be surprised and put out by it too.

@lifeinthehills

Presumably you went prepared with hats and gloves etc, expecting to be waiting around? That's the difference. DH wasn't prepared to get toddler out in the freezing cold with no hat and gloves on, and I'd have been rightly annoyed if he had done so.

Cross posted

Agreed, but teenagers aren't known for being the most organised, "think-ahead", kind of people. I have no idea how many times I've heard "Oh yeah... I didn't think" from my teens.

Of course maybe the OP's DD was being self-centred and manipulative, thinking "Ha ha, he'll be nearly here so he'll just wait around, clever me!" but I suspect it was more lack of organisation and thinking ahead.#

Finding a way to entertain a toddler for 45 minutes VS having to unexpectedly walk ten mins in the cold and get a bus? I'd entertain the toddler and be kind to the teenager.

I fully get the selfishness of teenagers but I think you're being a bit blinkered on this OP. You have not shown any empathy at all for your daughter's side of this, and your username indicates that you are focussing on difficulties with her. 16 year olds are basically overgrown toddlers sometimes and need lots of support, especially when they've had a little brother or sister from a step parent coming along and usurping them. I think you need to think of the long game here, your daughter might have been unreasonable but you have to work extra hard to not have resentment build up in your family dynamic.

To be honest, this is a situation where I think the toddler does come first. She'll be tired and miserable: which is worse - for her to have to sit in a car seat for 1 hr 15 minutes with nothing to play with or else to have to play in the dark and cold; or is it worse for a 16 year old to walk 10 minutes to a bus stop and then take the bus home? Sitting on the bus for 30 minutes is hardly dreadful given that she would otherwise be sitting in a car for 30 minutes.

Reasonable. Good chance to go to a supermarket and get a few bits otherwise? It's warm in there.

Sometimes my kids' activities were unpredictable. I once had to hang around a ballet rehearsal (granted, it's indoors) that was meant to finish at 9.30pm. At midnight I just grabbed the dancing kid and all my others and went home. That was pretty extreme though.

@CatByDay

Maybe it was the text bombardment that has removed my empathy, at a time when I was drowning in work and quite stressed myself. And I'm not sure I'm the only person who needs to work hard to ensure resentment doesn't build. Is that not a joint family responsibility?

I think your husband could have sat in the car for 45 mins with toddler (im guessing toddler would have been wrapped up warmly anyway with the cold weather) and played a game or went to a supermarket.

Without hats, gloves etc, because you hadn’t anticipated getting out of the car? Did you never think to teach your teenagers, that their lack of thought had consequences? How has that panned out?

No. It's pretty much only your responsibility, sorry. Your her mum. Your the one who gave her this whole new family that she's not quite as in as her sibling. And if you're stressed at work, that's crap, but it's not your daughter's fault.

Not extreme, totally ridiculous as was waiting three hours until midnight and allowing that nonsense to happen.

*you're

@CatByDay

Well we can agree to disagree then. The harmony of a family depends on all its members' behaviour imo. Not just one person's.