To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

You are so right.

He could have sat in the car. Took the toddler for a walk in a shop or mcd to keep her awake. He didn't have to stand in the cold

Where are you getting 2 hours from?

Have you not read the posts saying why wasn’t the DH watching his DSD play football?

that’s what I’m referring too, obviously!!

Just under 2 hours would have been the total time. So 30 mins travel there, 45 mins in car / watching match, 30 mins travel home. Not 2 hrs watching the game.

If the Stepdad was a stepmum everyone would tell him to do exactly as he did and have her mum do the parenting. He would be well within his right to say he's not offering at all any more. The 16 year old needs to learn to take the bus.

I feel for your teenager. It's very cold. She was hoping for a lift. It looks like toddler is more important.

You shouldn't have been brought in though.

First half 45 mins, second half 45 mins, half time 15 mins that’s 105 mins, time added on and waiting for DD to get change say 15 mins? I make that 2 hours? Aka 120 mins.

Do you not agree?

Ohhh @Banjoman you're meaning if he'd stood and watched the entire game with toddler. He and she would have been freezing. Yet it's too cold for elder DD to get the bus as it's freezing..... the double standard etc. i see now.

I think she meany from the 30 min drive there, the 45 min wait and the 30 min drive back. So yeah 1hr45 mins in a car with a toddler. Poor wee thing, and people are affronted by a 16 year old having a bus ride and a 10 minute walk! Mumsnet is a strange place.

He could have sat in the car. Took the toddler for a walk in a shop or mcd to keep her awake. He didn't have to stand in the cold

But why? That is basically punishing the toddler because the daughter could not be arsed telling the husband about the change to kick off time.

A toddler should not be dragged here and there of a cold winters day when they are likely getting tired.

PPs are saying the the DH should’ve watched the game anyway and why didn’t he?

That’s what I’m referring to.

I waited 30 minutes in the cold as GSs football ran over. It was cold, dark and I was cheesed off. I wouldn't have wanted to do 45 minutes with a toddler.

DD must have know the match was going to be later before 5 pm, if she'd called your DH before he left and said, "Match is late and I need the lift at 5.45" I'd think he should have juggled things e.g. got little one in the bath early and into pyjamas and warm dressing gown and gone later. Next time she should make an effort to let him (or you) know ASAP.

@Banjoman yeah with you now!

The DD must’ve known the game kicked off late…. why didn’t she message when the game was over 45 mins late kicking off?

Yes - had she done this it would have been easily juggled. Earlier bath like you say, into her PJs and into the car for the later pick up. It was all communicated far too late in the day.

Totally agree with this, if he can’t handle your DD without bringing you into it he shouldn’t be making arrangements with her.

Good question, and the answer is I have no idea!

That's teenagers though. Hopefully if it is explained to her she will make the call in good time next time. It's all learning isn't it.

My GS couldn't understand why I was fed up waiting in the cold for 30 minutes, when I pointed out how fed up he was when granddad was 15 minutes late picking him up last month he had to agree I was entitled to be fed up. I also had to agree it wasn't his fault that the teacher wouldn't let them go.

On balance it's your DD I feel sorry for. Of course she's capable of getting the bus - but when you're cold and tired and expecting a lift home in a warm car, and then find you have to walk 10 mins in the cold (with school & football gear?) and get the bus instead... that's the killer. Totally different to when you know in advance that you're getting the bus and are 'psyched up' for it.

Can you honestly say that if you were cold and tired and looking forward to getting a lift, and were suddenly told 'Nope, walk 10 mins in the cold and get the bus instead' you wouldn't mind?? I certainly would, and I'm no snowflake!!

I'm sure the 16 year old would be thrilled with that outcome.

Why couldn't he have just waited for those 45 mins?!I feel sorry for your DD as her step dad showed that he is actually her step dad.

Bloody teenagers

That's why she should have called earlier. I'm sure she will next time.

My toddler spent an awful lot of time traipsing to and from football matches, swimming, scouts, all the things the older DC were doing. If DH was working long shifts/evenings I just had to get on and deal with it. Sometimes dinner was a picnic in the car. Sometimes there wasn't time for a bath. Sometimes homework would be done in the car while one child was playing in a match.
DH should have figured it out and dealt with it without disturbing the parent who was at work.
Is DD jealous of toddler? Struggling with relationship with step dad? Is this more than difficult teenage behaviour?