To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Oh did you give you teen a lift when you were sick OP? You hadn’t mentioned it.

in this situation, both your dd and dh were in the wrong. Your dh could have easily waited, your dd shouldn’t have text you 15 times at work. (I’m not sure if she was able to communicate the time change of the football as often they have to keep phones in lockers).

what makes you in the wrong is the scathing way you talk about your teen dd. If you review all your comments, you are unbelievably negative about her. Not so much your dh. But very much about your dd which makes me feel very sorry for her.

You might as well give up. He's a man AND a step parent. That's a double whammy of 'can't do right for doing wrong' on mumsnet!
If he'd stayed he'd have been berated for keeping a girl toddler out in the cold car for an hour.

I can almost feel the disappointment from some that he actually cares for the toddler on his own for a day a week. That's probably ruined a whole load of posts.

what makes you in the wrong is the scathing way you talk about your teen dd. If you review all your comments, you are unbelievably negative about her. Not so much your dh. But very much about your dd which makes me feel very sorry for her.

Yeah, well when someone has pissed you off that's pretty normal?

Like I say, 90% of the time we have a close positive relationship. Of course I sound fucked off with her when, well, her unreasonable behaviour has fucked me off 🤷‍♀️

I can almost feel the disappointment from some that he actually cares for the toddler on his own for a day a week. That's probably ruined a whole load of posts.

Good point. Probably!

Great relationship but when she tells you she feels abandoned instead of listening you double down, and come to Mumsnet to complain about her.

When she's disappointed and tries to reach you you get annoyed. You try to justify why she shouldn't be a priority. You refuse to acknowledge that lots of people are trying to highlight that it's not a very nice way to go about it.

Um okay... Whatever you need to tell yourself I guess.

But why post on AIBU if many people are telling you she wasn't unreasonable, you were?

OP: am I being unreasonable
Many people: yes
OP: no I'm not I'm perfect and everyone else is wrong and projecting

She didn't change the plans. She didn't have control over the time change.

He was already on his way and as someone pointed out, if it was his own daughter he probably would have just waited and picked her up.

OP has posted on AIBU only to continuously say everyone is incorrect and her DD is annoying - you're right the mind does boggle.

OP: no I'm not I'm perfect and everyone else is wrong and projecting

Erm, pretty sure that's made up bollocks that I never said. Where did I say I was perfect?

Please do quote me.

Be goes the extra mile for her all the time. We both do. He's treated like his own since he met her 8 years ago. This is a snapshot of one day when we both expected some flexibility from her given the last minute notice of a very different plan to the one that was agreed that morning. This understandably annoyed him and he didn't think it a fair expectation to make the toddler sit in the car for almost an hour longer with nothing to entertain her as he hadn't been prepared for it. I don't that that one instance of expecting her to flex a little cancels out all the other hundreds of times we have done whatever we can for her

Everyone has their own view of things and I'm suggesting this may be your daughters, not because he's not a good step-dad, but because a) there's another child in the house lie and b) because with the greatest intentions in the world there are very few step-parents who treat their step-child exactly to sake as they treat their biological child. The fact that you have to get involved in these things kind of shows this. Perhaps talk to your daughter about it and see where she is on this.

I do think you've overreacted to still be as irate as you appear to be. I can be the same as I have 1000 things going on and am always the go to person - DD has ADHD, so there's an extra level of having to micromanage her life. I think you just need to have a calm chat with your daughter and see if she is feeling any certain way and explain how you're feeling having to juggle everything too. Children are inherently selfish and often don't realise that their parents are people too, just as parents are busy and stressed and forget that their teen doesn't have the emotional intelligence of an adult. Communication is key in these situations.

*calm communication

Great relationship but when she tells you she feels abandoned instead of listening you double down, and come to Mumsnet to complain about her.

Oh please. She wasn't fucking abandoned she was getting a fucking bus.

SOMETHING SHE HAS DONE VOLUNTARILY MANY TIMES BEFORE!!

Fuck me the hyperbolic drama on here.

I do think you've overreacted to still be as irate as you appear to be.

I'm now irate with posters on telling me I'm a shit mum or that I don't care about my child. Not at DD.

To sake = the same
Lie = now

Sorry, waking and typing 😅

Wow the OP is getting a hard time here!! Just because she’s pissed off with her DD… she’s venting here. There is nothing to suggest she’s mistreating her. She’s clearly struggling and overwhelmed!! That doesn’t make her an awful mother.

She wasn't abandoned. Read with comprehension, I said she tells you SHE FEELS abandoned.

Maybe start listening instead of just denying, refusing, insisting she's dramatic. I doubt it's a great relationship if she can't talk to you about her feelings without you being dismissive.

@Miajk

Also "great relationship" is DD's phrase, not mine. Something she said recently.

However, please do find a reason to imply she must be lying as I'm such a shit mother after all.......

Yawn.

I never said you're a shit mother.

Do you always behave like this? Making up things in your head and getting upset over them?

@Miajk

I never said you specifically said I was a shit mother. 🤷‍♀️

So right back at you - do YOU always make shit up and get upset about it?

I am using the phrase "shit mother" to reflect the general theme of a lot of the criticism that's been thrown at me (some of which now deleted) since this thread started.

OP is getting a hard time due to a complete lack of self reflection.

She posted on AIBU only to completely refuse to acknowledge that she might be unreasonable, and to decide that anyone who disagrees is wrong.

Her daughter is trying to communicate with her and she's dismissive and disregards her DD as dramatic or whatever.

Posters are trying to point out DD might feel like less of a priority and that Step dad would have probably stayed for his own daughter.

OP refuses to listen to anything and seemingly came here in pursuit of an echo chamber - hats why she's getting a hard time.

I wouldn’t even bother replying to this posters. They’ve created an 6 part Netflix drama in their heads.
The poor neglected child and hateful mother.

Or we just acknowledged that OP might be a bit unreasonable.

But in your world anyone who disagrees with you isn't worth engaging with & is making up drama? Wow you must be very clever.

I must've missed the OPs husband coming on here specifically declaring if it was his biological DD he would've waited. What a ridiculous assumption.

She needs to start learning and accepting that she can't get everything she wants in life and texting her mum 15 times with the usual stroppy teenager act is unacceptable. Christ, it's a bus home - she's not being sent off to war.

Yeah OP is pissed off and annoyed, because her daughter was being annoying 🤣

Weird that you allude to posters thinking it's acceptable for people to call the OP a "cunt" or shitty parent because she's annoyed about being dragged into something that didn't need her involvement, during what sounds like an incredibly stressful time for her.

Her daughter is trying to communicate with her and she's dismissive and disregards her DD as dramatic or whatever.

With 15 texts in the space of 30 mins accusing me of abandoning her and sarcastic "thanks a lot" type comments, when she is well aware I'm drowning in work and 30 miles away unable to do nothing about it?

You think that's appropriate communication from a child who is 2 years from adulthood?

Well I don't. And that's the message she needs to understand.

Incidentally I got an apology for those texts later, so she knows she was wrong for that.

I don't really understand why you came on AIBU as you aren't interested in any other opinions apart from that you are not unreasonable lol. I'm not talking about the unfair, keyboard warrior comment, btw - I'd be angry about them too - but you don't seem to be interested at all in entertaining that your DD may be feeling she's not important or whatever. Just because she may feel like that doesn't mean you or your DH have done anything wrong as parents - teens feel like this from time to time. In your situation I'd sit down and have a talk with my DD and find out if there is any of this going on in her head and to also let her know that I was struggling with things too at the moment. It might avoid these situations in future and clear the air a bit. Give you piece of mind as a parent too that your daughter is doing ok.