To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Yep. I'm an adult step child too who frequently got buses!!

Guess what, I'm also not psychologically damaged from the experience!

@Statusunknown

She's 16 she could be on her period

Weird comment. She doesn't have periods, but thanks for bringing my teenage child's menstruation into it

As for thr appointment who stated it was medical?

I did.

If you are happy to leave your kid after a full day at school, then a football match in frozen conditions, and then dangle a carrot on a branch with a lift to then deny it to them because a younger sibling and magic appointments cropped up... To make them walk to the bus stop get on a grotty bus and walk from the bus stop home... All while you/your husband is warm and snug at home... That says alot about you.. The op and your partners.

Warm and snug at home???? Hahahahahahah

Try 30 miles away in a freezing cold office with an hour commute to do in shitty traffic. With a migraine.

The level of projection and assumption is hilarious.

@Statusunknown

I give up with you. You have some issues, evidently.

As for the "you're a mum all the time and not when it suits" bollocks.....

Yeah. Did you miss that I still collect my child if I'm at home and not working, even when I'm not well (I have multiple health issues). Last week. I got off my "nice cosy warm sofa" and drove an hour round trip to collect her after I'd been vomiting on a off all day, so she didn't have to get the bus.

Yeah. I'm a mum when it suits.

Fuck off.

Oh ... and if I was a mum when it suits, tell me @Statusunknown, would I have left work / been off work approx 8-10 times this year with my toddler when she's been unwell, literally flying out the office to get her after getting a call from the nursery, with my bosses tutting at me? Worrying I'm on the verge of losing my job. Would I have pissed my bosses off further by asking for flexibility and the ability WFH when my eldest (the one I allegedly don't care about according to you) needs taking to an appointment? Again, could have sent her on the bus could I not?

My point is you know fuck all about me and your posts are disgusting. Go and project your nastiness elsewhere, it's not wanted here.

I'm surprised this hasn't been picked up by the papers.

Get ready for the LTBs to pounce on this one because he's clearly worthlees of a husband and father for what ever fill in the blank reasons they imagine.

I suppose the crux of it comes down to (probably in the mind of your DD too), if she was his child, would he have done the same or would he have waited? Would he have involved you etc? I suspect the answer to the first question would be yes and the second no. I’ve been a step child and my step dad was great, but there was always that feeling that my friends actual dads treated them differently and would go the extra mile for them. I think children are more aware of this than you think.

*yes he would have waited

Sorry to hear you’ve had such roasting on here OP. I think your feelings are completely valid (not that you need my approval of course)! Reckon you know the answer to your question - you weren’t being unreasonable, you were having a bad day and wanted to get a bit of perspective from the ‘community’ who then did the usual and turned it into something else completely.
FWIW I think the teenager was obviously peeved at being left to get the bus because she was hoping for a lift in a warm car. You stuck to your guns and didn’t reply, so you followed through and now she will hopefully understand the inconvenience of letting someone know plans have changed last minute and learn the life lesson she has been given. I suspect your DP called you because she is your first child, and he had the guilts about not hanging about to pick her up, and probably felt understandably torn between the toddler and the teen.
I would be annoyed with your teen for being a PITA with all the texts etc but I think you and DP did the right thing under the circumstances.

Mumsnet positively encourages stepMOTHERS not to be responsible for their step children's stuff. There are hundreds of thread on this site where they're reminded that he's their father and the one responsible for lifts etc.

Which is what makes this thread so bonkers. The step dad was looking after the toddler all day, but he still agrees to give his step daughter a lift. However, he still gets slaughtered when things change, and on balance he decides that the best thing to do is take the toddler back home.

If this story had been told by the step parent, and it had been a step mother, most would have been on her side. They're have said that the girl should have got the bus anyway as she's not her responsibility

I think you were unreasonable to tell her to get the bus and get step dad was unreasonable not to give her the lift, given that he's set off anyway. I had a toddler with me loads hanging around for the older dc to finish clubs.

Surprised by some of the vicious posts on here. She's 16 and if she can flounce off to meet her friends using the bus, then she can get the bus home. It'll be a good opportunity to help her understand that she can't change plans last minute and she needs to take other people into account and respect their time and effort to help her. She's just behaving like a typical stroppy teenager, but her behaviour isn't acceptable. Your DH also needs to learn to either handle these arguments himself or at least wait until you're home to discuss it and notnstressed at work.

Seems some on here are hellbent on shoehorning OP into the category of a neglectful and shite parent and kicking down an obviously exhausted person on their knees, just to prove they are 'right'. The mind boggles.

Be goes the extra mile for her all the time. We both do. He's treated like his own since he met her 8 years ago. This is a snapshot of one day when we both expected some flexibility from her given the last minute notice of a very different plan to the one that was agreed that morning. This understandably annoyed him and he didn't think it a fair expectation to make the toddler sit in the car for almost an hour longer with nothing to entertain her as he hadn't been prepared for it. I don't that that one instance of expecting her to flex a little cancels out all the other hundreds of times we have done whatever we can for her.

Surprised by some of the vicious posts on here

Are you? I’m not. This is where people come to take out their miserable lives on the rest of us.

So true, I have lost count of the number of posts saying put your child above your stepchild at all times, obviously only when you're a stepmother!

My god, I’m shocked at some of the dramatic posters on here, acting like asking a 16 year old to get a bus is the equivalent of chucking her out of the house and telling her you hate her! I moved out at 16, had a full time job, rent to pay and I managed pretty well. Who are these people raising children to be so utterly helpfulness by 16 years of age? You’re job as a parent is to raise your child to be a confident, stable, self sufficient adult.

Maybe surprised isn't the right word, but I certainly feel quite sad for the OP reading some of the posts.

I think your husband definitely should have waited for her. He was already there and it wasn’t your daughters fault that the time changed. He was going to be late because the toddlers tea time and then didn’t want to actually pick her up because of toddlers bath time. Way to make the 16 year old feel like she isnt as important as the toddler. Also considering he was anyway going to be late he would have only waited half an hour in a warm car. Had they had to wait outside for her for half hour it would be a different story. But in the car for half hour… not a big deal at all.

lastly. He should have left you alone with all of this. Lazy parenting on all fronts from him.

Don’t worry too much about some of these posters who want to make you out to be a bad parent on a one off that shows your DD takes you both chauffeuring her around for activities she wants to do for granted. Almost two hours out of schedule for a toddler would throw many off especially if they’re the types who fall asleep in the car, leading to them waking in the night or going down later than they should and with two working parents and said teen having school the next day, who would be staying up with the toddler, doubtful it was going to be the teen.

She did at least apologise once you all talked about it right?

@Statusunknown

I think you need help. You seem to see the World as an irrationally dangerous place.

She isn’t as important as the toddler when it comes to things like that though, because she’s 16 and can meet her own needs. What’s so bad about that? Shouldn't kids be raised not to think the world revolves around them, and that their needs don’t trump everyone else’s?

Hey OP. It seems you have about half of MN agreeing with you and half that don't and that probably answers your question of were you being unreasonable. Seems like you were venting on here at the end of a stressful day and she was also venting to you via the 15 text messages. Fresh day today I am sure you have all moved on.