To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

There is something very wrong with you

I'm sure that they will move as far as possible.

Are all car parks well lit, are all equipped with cameras? Buses have cameras, but stops have lighting!

Talk about totally twisting the situation to suit your narrative!

Of course she wouldn’t have put on track pants and a coat, she’d just wear her PE skirt! She was playing football, she wouldn’t have track pants?

let’s make another leap, if she was swimming, she’d probay go home in just her costume. On the dark bus, which is totally full of predators.

Why?

because a second generation of people are being raised with “I can’t, I’ve got anxiety”

you can see why when you see parents on here, putting the fear of god into their children, in order to give themselves an excuse to not do anything.

Exactly!

Yes, the rest are neurotic and giving their child anxiety issues. It’s a shame, but they can’t see their failings.

I've noticed a fair few threads on here recently about gen z being difficult to manage in the workplace.
Needy, entitled, unable to take any stress or discomfort, expecting their needs to come first at all times....
I had thought it was a load of nonsense but now I read how absolutely molly coddled some of them are I'm not so sure.
I have teenagers myself, they're liable to throw strops and berate you no matter what you do. If it was me I'd be taking no notice of her.

"so many women with anxiety"

Going by that comment I'm pretty sure you are a complete see you next Tuesday male who has never had to contend with any abuse, or fear or comments.

Protecting children should never be shamed. Protecting them physically (decent parent and actually collecting them if promised, installing tracking apps on phones, chatting to their friends parents and asking to go out their way if busy to drop off etc etc) from harm and mentally from harm... Eg not allowing a replacemt kid with the now favoured spouse to be the be all and end all.

Lovely for you to live in a magical place with utterly sparkling public transport, but you bet your bottom dollar in London the busses are vile.

I take London buses often, and they're not remotely vile. They're clean, and they have cameras everywhere, so as safe as public transport can be. In fact a lot of kids in London take public buses to and from school, and at a much younger age than 16 @Statusunknown

I think it’s more about what kind of relationship you want to have with your teen. If I’ve promised them a lift then I would keep to that commitment and likewise if they have said they would do something for me I’d expect them to do it. I’ve got no issues with public transport my 2 travel all around on buses at weekends & for college. I think it’s probably been a bit of overreacting on both parts in the heat of the moment.

Same. I’ve taken public transport all over England and Scotland including London, Edinburgh, Oxford, Reading, Newcastle, Milton Keynes, etc and have never been on a bus that was so vile I couldn’t be on it for 30 minutes and I’ve been on bus journeys for longer than an hour. Heck, I’ve been on buses in other western countries and never seen one so dirty that I rather walk instead or felt unsafe as a woman.

Either you live in an area where the buses are utterly disgusting or you rarely if ever actually ride the bus.

They may do but they would probably need to work for a number of years in order to afford to do so by which time they would be adults anyway 🤷‍♀️

16 year olds are able to have children of their own legally!

no I’m not a male cunt, but reading MN and all the I can’t open the door, I can’t get a bus, I can’t walk down the road is awful.

I’m a woman and perfectly able to live a life that allows me to go out, work, get a bus, etc etc.

@Statusunknown

If you think asking them to get the bus instead of waiting around constitutes 'not protecting a child' you need to get more in the real world.

I agree with @Banjoman we are raising a generation of entitled, incapable teens the way some people go about parenting them.

Why are parents running them round all the time? How do these kids learn to be organised and have time management and problem solving abilities when they don't ever need to do it?

What about those kids whose parents don't drive? They must all be neglected and need to be removed immediately.

Public transport is not only for adult males in the dark and is not full of a bunch of paedophiles waiting for a young girl to get on.

People get way too swept up in the media hype that every single person is a threat to them in the dark.

And yes a lack of resilience is a massive cause of anxiety and that's only getting worse cause our kids these days don't need resilience because at the slight whiff of anything going wrong or any problem, mummy/daddy sweeps in and fixes it. That is bad parenting, that is a way of almost ensuring you child has anxiety when they leave home. It's suffocating and does not allow them to grow and learn.

@Stillthewrongsideof40 and @Statusunknown

Do you both realise the majority of abuse/assaults happen by someone the victim knows? Not a stranger.

They usually don't make the news though.

So better never let your kids have partners, or friends, husbands or family members. Because they are statistically way more likely to be hurt at the hands of them than on the bus in the dark by a stranger.

Your hearing on here though when the things go wrong.your not seeing people who cope much better in the world now they are listened to and supported.
Your not seeing those posting about the total lack of care at home.thoe kids turning into messes because their parents don't care.dont listen.mentally aren't there.
The world we live in now contributes to young people's mental health decline far more than Molly coddling parents.thw pressures.the social media shitfest.the living conditions,environments.
On here you see and hear one side of parents.
In the media your hear of one side of parents-snow flakes,Molly coddling.its so one sided and often bullshit to turn you away from what s actually destroying our kids.

And right now the world is a very unsafe place for woman at times.

The voice of reason!

Not for me. I am very aware of all you have stated. It's my day to day job to see all this.

Both sides damage kids. A happy medium is needed. And overly molly coddling and in some cases creating anxiety and problems through this is a problem as well as not being there as a parent. Our job is to care for an equip our kids to live in the world. Neither side of what you describe is doing that and both are damaging in different ways.

I think everyone needs to take as as a life lesson. Sh1t happens. Plans change. It’s not always what we want to do, but we do it because it’s kind.

next time he could say no.

M the toddler needs to learn that the world does not revolve around them.
As does the teen. The teen could be told I’ll wait, but you need to cook dinner when we get home as I’ll be bathing the toddler (or teen could bath the toddler!)

work together. Tolerate each other. Don’t pick fights for petty reasons prioritising one child’s (persons) feelings over another.

Protecting them physically (decent parent and actually collecting them if promised, installing tracking apps on phones, chatting to their friends parents and asking to go out their way if busy to drop off etc etc)

So you track them, and you get their friends' parents do go out of their way to drop yours off?

What protects women is confidence, independence and being strong and capable. Your own children will never develop that if you don't let them do things by themselves and get that initial rush of pride and confidence in themselves that they get from achieving something new, alone. Instead you are encouraging them to think that they can't possibly do x, and y is way to dangerous to contemplate. So when they DO leave home, they will not give off that aura of confidence and capability. They will giive off fearful vibes, they will look nervous, and they'll be easy targets for those very few people who do want to do women harm

So very true. This thread was worth just for this post.

So what do you actually want us to say? You're reasonable and your DD is a brat, or your DH was too harsh and should have waited for her?
If the former, then who has raised her? Or do you think she's somehow got an entitled personality?
I do feel sorry for your DD. And I hope family dynamics change for the better before the little one grows up.

Wow @Statusunknown you're vile aren't you?

Implying I shouldn't be a mum?! Who the fuck are you to say that to someone you know nothing about on the internet?

I have a great relationship with my teen so I'm not worried about that.