To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Could that be because teen decided to text her mother 15 times knowing said mother is busy at work on how unfair it is that she has to take public transport and has been “abandoned”? It’s one thing to be upset but a slew of text messages the equivalent of a temper tantrum was unnecessary.

She could have taken the bus in the first place. It’s 30 minutes to her home regardless if she takes the bus or is taken in the car. The only difference is that stepdad was leaving home just to pick her up and bring her home because she asked him to when he didn’t need or have to.

If I acted in such a manner, it would be the last ride for awhile that my parents would be giving me.

I also wonder when she texted if that was when she found out or waited until the last minute assuming it would be okay.
I get football games can run longer than expected but 45 minutes long..

She might not have had her phone to text. At my sons games the phones are all in a locker room. I’m on the daughters side. Myself & my husband would have waited the 45mins watched the match & entertained the toddler then taken her home when she was cold hungry & tired. Every child gets picked up after school matches I can’t think of any that go for the bus. My kids are no stranger to the buses either. I would not be happy with 15 angry messages & agree that seems an overreaction .

Okay, so that is a good point in regards to work but I think that would only apply if they took a job in a city centre where parking would be difficult and expensive. I live in a new town with lots of larger employers so parking nearly always available at these places. I’ve not had a job so far that was be not been able to take my car to, with uni do they not usually only operate roughly during day time hours? Serious question I’ve never been to
uni myself so not sure if maybe some classe run into the evening .

in a group yes but I’d want them to avoid travelling on there own especially at 16. Although I agree I probably am a bit neurotic.

If you are happy to leave your kid after a full day at school, then a football match in frozen conditions, and then dangle a carrot on a branch with a lift to then deny it to them because a younger sibling and magic appointments cropped up... To make them walk to the bus stop get on a grotty bus and walk from the bus stop home... All while you/your husband is warm and snug at home... That says alot about you.. The op and your partners.

I completely agree teens need to take their own lives in to account and be self sufficient, but when promised a lift and then have it denied because the new kids bath is more important . She may not have had a coat because she knew she would be running to the car not Waiting for a bus... She may have been bringing homework or kit home.

We are mums for life not just when it suits.

Statistically they are in a lot more danger driving than taking public transportation.

I have a child in high school and any changes to timings to activities is always sent to parents via group call so just assumed that would be the same at every school. My teen also goes to clubs where again changes and matches are sent directly to parents, maybe that will change as they get older.

He’s her step dad maybe it’s awkward for him to have difficult conversations with her? Also - teenage daughter. Have had several text exchanges with mine almost identical and on the same subject!

Grotty bus? Not sure where you live, but the buses here are quite clean.

Magical appointments? Again, not sure where you live but it’s quite difficult to get an appointment and from what I’ve gathered we’re not the only area having issues especially with the current strep A going around.

I also disagree with that she was promised a ride. It was an agreement to be picked up at a specific time.

If this was a younger child, I would absolutely think OP was being unreasonable but this is a 16 yo who is going to likely be leaving the home in a year or two and she can’t accept that someone would be unable to pick her up and/or manage a bus ride without resorting to a temper tantrum.

Where does it say she was without proper clothing? If her stepdad was late for whatever reason, stuck in traffic during rush hour, she would still have to wait for him to get there in whatever clothes she was in and likely take the bus if she didn’t want to wait out in the cold. The temperature was brisk in the morning and it is her responsibility to dress appropriately. If she chose not to that’s on her.

All the while, the parents don't know half the dangerous shit their kids are getting up to.

I pitty your children.

Not everyone rocks off to uni at 18. She's 16 she could be on her period or going through mocks and she was most deffinately promised a lift.

Lovely for you to live in a magical place with utterly sparkling public transport, but you bet your bottom dollar in London the busses are vile.

As for thr appointment who stated it was medical? The op may have in one of her many defence posts about her wonderful husband while slating her CHILD. I grew tiresome of her replies as she's not for to be a mum if she favours her new kid and man over her vulnerable child.

Why is the 16 year old vulnerable?

and when does your period stop you getting a bus?

50% of the population have periods and all teens have mocks. Doesn't stop them getting the bus either.

Honestly people are so dramatic.

It's kids i pity who will have no idea of how to function without mummy or daddy holding their hand or picking them up/dropping them off.

If promised a lift you expect a lift. All teens are vulnerable especially girls. In the dark and the cold.

If you don't care about your children that's on you

Totally neurotic! What’s going to happen to them getting a bus after dark, that is not going to happen to them collecting their car alone in a car park?

Maybe it’s best they don’t go out at all?

Exactly and they’ll be the neurotic mothers on MN in years to come.

Again with the DARK😂

So walking to your car in a. Area with lights and cameras and other people is safer than waiting for a bus.. In the dark and cold

Probably in a pe kit or sports kit for a bus that may or may not rock up are exactly the same?

Then getting utter twits who probably spend their lives in cafes with their friends and wouldn't know what graft is if it got them in the face... Comparing driving when an adult to been a young kid waiting for a bus and thinking it's the same

@Banjoman a 16 year old wouldn't be collecting a car from a car park on their own as they cant drive till they are 17? Well we are in Scotland anyway . I think there is no harm at all with teens using public transport when they know that's what they are doing and up to a certain time. Eg I wouldn't want my 16yr old on a bus after 10 oclock really on her own. Different maybe when she is 17 or 18 . I think the issue here is that the girl had been told she'd get a lift. Perhaps she overreacted afterwards, perhaps she panicked, perhaps something had gone wrong in the game and she was upset, perhaps she was the last one left. Who knows. I am just sympathetic to her as I know after a match the last thing my teens would want to do is get the bus as they are shattered cold and hungry. I know teens especially my DD can be dramatic and unreasonable but Id have expected my DH to wait and be able to entertain the toddler.

I am so glad to see there are actual decent parents on this thread

They may not work in the place you live, they may want to move far away!

Not at 16 though.....there's a huge difference in being 16 and 18.

Could he have waited and entertained a toddler for 45 minutes? Yes.
Could a 16 year old take a 30 minute bus journey? Yes.

Maybe the teenager now thinks the world revolves around the toddler. Maybe she now thinks it doesn't revolve around her?

I wouldn't mind my teenage DC getting a bus in that situation. Although probably not without that already being the plan.

However I must admit I don't at all buy in to the fear about public transport in the dark etc. I get it all the time, its fine! Ot gets dark at 4 p.m. in the winter! Are you picking your 16 year olds up from college?
I'd have been embarrassed to have been picked up by a parent at that age. How babying!

I was replying to parent who was saying all
hers would be driving at 17, she wouldn’t want them getting public transport. She wouldn’t want her child getting on a bus alone. I know a 16 year old can’t drive, but in a few months time she may be able too!

again, what’s so safe about getting a car from a car park in the dark compared to getting on a bus?

no difference if they’ve no life experience because mummy says they can’t be responsible and get a bus.

no wonder we have so many women with “anxiety” !

Op you know what went wrong on this thread don't you.

You mentioned a step parent, and worse you defended one. MN hive mind at work.

Ffs 16years old can get a bus, they can also legally have sex and many other adult things that come with risks - let's stop acting like this was a 7 year old forced to walk home at midnight for 100miles bare foot and hungry shall we ?

Your DH could have stayed but 2hrs in the car for a tired toddler isn't gonna go down well.

Tbh they have both been a bit unreasonable- he shouldn't have got you involved. DD needs to learn he offered her a lift at a certain time prolonging the stay by 45mins just before he was due to collect was late notice and a bit sly. He's not a taxi, and the offer he made wasn't a summons to watch Dd play football.

I'm a adult step kid before anyone gets their knickers in a twist.

Storm in a dammed tea cup