To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

@Bintymcbintface

Your first line is childish and bizarre, and therefore I don't wish to engage with you any further.

I'd have engaged with the second paragraph if it weren't for that, but honestly, I can just tell you're not the type of person I wish to engage with on any level.

@Bintymcbintface

Reported and will be deleted soon no doubt.

I feel sorry for you.🤷‍♀️

@saraclara

Yep! 🤣🤣

I feel sorry for your daughter

Also, he couldn't wait around because of an appointment but if he'd had appropriate notice he could've picked her up when she was done?? Where's the appointment fit into all that?

😴😴😴😴😴😴

Is it possible she has previously had a bad experience on a bus that you are not aware of? I wouldn’t allow my 16 year old daughter to get a bus by herself in the dark, I’m 40 odd and would avoid having to travel by bus in the evening so can’t imagine what it would be like for a 16 year old.

Unmumsnetly hugs to you, I hope you are thriving now dispute them all.

What age would you allow it? Do you expect to only work during day light hours and never use public transport?

They are both out of order. He easily could have entertained the toddler. It takes a phone and peppa pig at minimum and perhaps a few cheeky snacks. That is it.

Your teen needs to learn some independence HOWEVER it's bloody freezing she's been outside playing football and sitting on a bus at rush hour all sweaty but cold will be highly unpleasant. I imagine she's feeling a bit of resentment towards steondad and thr baby now as she's feeling pushed out.

Comprehension issues must make life difficult for you!

what was actually said, was he couldn’t watch the game as he had appointments.

where does your made up bollocks fit into all that?

I don’t think waiting in the car for 45 mins with a toddler is unreasonable. Seems the toddlers needs are the priority in your home, and the 16 year old just has to run with it. I’d have waited, and would have expected my DH to do the same.

I'm sorry for all of you that were consistently let down by parents.

Me? I'm actually glad that sometimes my parents said no to me, that my convenience didn't trump things that needed to happen just because MY plans had changed. And this was well before mobiles so if this was me, stepdad would have waited getting ever more fuming until I finally came out of football because I would have had no way of contacting him. Yes I would also probably have had a strop when I got the inevitable telling off!

@teenagestress you've done nothing wrong here, DH was annoying but I can kind of see why he called you - daughter was a pain in the arse and while some seem to think this means no one ever listens to her when she's upset, I think it's more that she's learned a valuable lesson - if plans change and someone is doing you a favour, let them know else they might not be able to complete that favour.

So all these people defending the teenager, would you happily accept your own child sending you 15 angry messages while you're at work, purely because she has to get the bus?

Why do you assume that one single event means represents everything that happens in OP's family?

So many people have assumed that because the toddler was prioritised on this occasiona, that it ALWAYS is, and yet there's absolutely nothing to support that assumption.

Would you like your own family dynamic to be judged on one single decision made on one single day?

Not even a fraction of the way through all the replies.... But you seem very defensive of the husband and not too phased about the teens feelings. Think you have chosen the team your on.

To be honest I’m not sure. I’m expecting my lot to all be driving by the time they are 17 and I’m in the fortunate position to be able to help with the purchase of cars. I don't use public transport myself unless going into town on the train for a rare night out but I would always be in a group or with my other half. The last time I was on a bus was when I was a teen myself and I can still remember it not always feeling the safest and trying to avoid the occasional creep.

Meanwhile back in the real world where people take public transport.

God do you even like your own DD?

You sound like a very difficult woman who can never see any faults or problems in herself.

I agree with you, why turn around if you are halfway there? I would be fuming with my partner had he done that.
what I don’t understand tho is how did both parents not know the times had changed? All the groups my kids are in have WhatsApp etc so if there are any changes the parents are informed that way. I’d be more upset with whoever the organizer is leaving it up to the kids attending to go inform the parents.

So they’d all get jobs that didn’t require public transport? Or insist they must come home in day light?How ridiculously restrictive!

they go to a uni, only where they can have a car?

I cannot believe people live such mundane lives scared of everything and then inflict that anxiety on their children, like it’s a good thing.

it’s awful, what a horrible restrictive life.

They didn’t know because the DD didn’t tell them. I assume that at 16 the teachers don’t call and yell mummy and daddy that the tone has changed, they’ll be treating them like the young adults they are?

Exactly!

Jesus imagine as a young adult saying my mummy says I can’t get a bus, it’s so very dangerous!

Not really going to be a neurotic adult are they!

My eldest DD was super sporty and played pretty much every sport at secondary school. I never had the slightest contact from school about sports clubs or matches. The kids are expected to manage their own after school timetables, as they should be at that age.