To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

For goodness sake a toddler sitting in a warm car with a parent for 45 minutes is hardly the end of the world. It’s quite literally what many, many parents do each day M-F when there are primary aged siblings with different finish times.

Are you and your OH always so difficult and inflexible?

I was a teen who never got picked up from school by my parents. They worked til gone 5 and so I was always on the bus rain hail or shine, light or dark. I craved being picked up.

That sounds really sad for you, but my DD does get picked up many a time, so it's not really a relevant point. Only just last week in fact when I wasn't feeling well yet still made the hour round trip so she didn't need to get the bus, as I've already said, a few times.

She gets picked up way more than I ever was from school, that's for sure. My parents didn't have any non working days like hers do, so every day for me was a bus day.

Adult tantrum 🤣🤣

Yep. She cried and effectively told me I'd abandoned her. 🤷‍♀️

Wow. Just wow. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve sat in a car waiting with two toddlers keeping them entertained and happy for an hour. Leaving your daughter to get home by herself when he was half way there was awful. If my husband had done that to his step daughter I would be telling him not to treat her like that. Your daughter got the clear message the toddler is more important.

@saraclara

Thanks for reiterating these points that people are seeming to conveniently ignore!

It was a one-off.

I often wonder how so many teens entering uni with me were so incapable of doing some of the simplest things and now I see why. I feel more thankful for my parents for teaching me independence after reading some of the comments on this thread.

Like bath time?

You are pretty argumentative with everyone who isn’t in agreement with you.

@Namechangethisonetime

No like a medical appointment. Would you like the details of that, too?

Are you and your OH always so difficult and inflexible?

On the contrary. We bend and flex numerous times to meet DD's demands for various lifts etc. Does an unwell mother choosing to drive a one hour round trip so her teen doesn't have to use a bus, sound like "difficult and inflexible" to you? There is a member of our family who can be difficult and inflexible, and it's not me or DH.

I think in this case though your DD would have had no control over the match time changing…

And to project their own childhood issues.

@teenagestress

Just get her home, wrap her in bubble wrap immediately. Do not allow her to leave the house if she is female, it is dark, cold, it is late or she is tired!

I'm sure when she get a job soon, they will do the same, she can work on days it's warm and sunny, she's had adequate sleep and only in daylight hours! There LOADS of those jobs around. So why bother equipping her for the real world?

To the posters saying my kids always did things last minute, well yes, if you don't give any consequences they will, teens won't give anything a second thought that doesn't impact them directly, because they are self centred it's part of being a teen! If you give them consequences to think about it, it helps them to become not self centred adults. That's one of our jobs as parents!

@mumontherun14

No, none of us had any control over that.

But she had control over her ability to get the bus. And she had control over her decision to send multiple guilt tripping texts to her mother who was working.

For God sake you keep saying that you didn't feel well but picked her up anyway like you want a medal. Sometimes as a parent you gotta just do stuff like that, you're not special you're a parent who seems to have an awful lot of disdain for your teen who, was IMO rightfully upset at being promised a lift only to have that lift turn round when practically there because bath time couldn't possibly be late

She's just told me she's going out at the weekend to meet friends in the city centre. Guess what...... she's getting on the bus 😱 quelle horreur!

Shall I tell her that's not acceptable as it's unsafe? It will be dark and cold, after all. Best tell her she can't go. 🤷‍♀️

She knows already that she's getting the bus though, she's not being told last minute after expecting a promised lift

@Bintymcbintface

For god sake back at you.

I keep reiterating that point to the hard of reading pps, who are wrongly concluding that she is hard done by and ALWAYS has to get the bus 😱😱😱

She doesn't. So I'm reiterating that point.

I don't want a medal. I wouldn't have to keep saying it if people could read my previous posts.

IT WASNT BECAUSE BATH TIME WOULD BE LATE.

that was one part of the reason. The biggest reason was the 45 minute wait in the car.

Well yeah.

But DH was told last minute he'd now have to sit in the car for 45 mins when he could have been appraised of that information before the match kicked off, and adjusted his leaving time accordingly, so......

I feel like I need to offer you a cushion for that wall you're having to hit your head against @teenagestress . People's lack of comprehension skills and/or the sheer be-botherdness to read your posts is giving me bruises on my forehead. You must be on the way to concussion by now.

"I'm not mean I picked her up when I was ill waaaah" so what??

First she was told she would be picked up but the lift would be late because of toddler's dinner time, then when she was going to be late through no fault of her own the promise of a lift was reneged because of toddler's bath time. The fact you don't get the point many other pp have made is astounding. You don't sound very sympathetic at all. Nobody is suggesting that she's incapable of ever getting the bus or that she shouldn't have to but put yourself in her shoes. Promised a lift (that'll be late) and then last minute being told nope because she's late, through no fault of her (hypocrisy much?) after a long day, anyone would be upset. How she reacted with the multiple texts isn't great but how don't you get that? she isn't being selfish or unreasonable she's being upset at being ditched last minute and all you can talk about is how busy you are and that you picked her up when you were sick

*FFS, it's perfectly clear it's not about the sodding bath. It's about not letting her stepdad know till he had wrangled the toddler into the car and virtually arrived at the school, meaning that if he was going to give her a lift a tired toddler was going to have a wait of at least 45 minutes for no good reason.

OP's DH didn't have to offer to collect her at all, just as he didn't have to collect her the previous week and every other occasion when he has done so. If the 16 year old was the poor Cinderella outcast that everyone was making her out to be, why does he ever collect her at all? I' m sure it would have been easier for him to stay at home.

People are making a massive drama out of one occasion when the toddler's needs were prioritised. As OP says, there will be numerous occasions when the teenager's needs are prioritised. That's what normal family life is all about.*

👏🏻👏🏻

Sorry that was supposed to bold - @SnowlayRoundabout - yes!! You get it.

It wasn’t promised though. It was an agreement that he would pick her up about 5pm. The agreement was no more when the time changed. He did not agree to pick her up if it ran over. She had no control of the time change but neither did he. She had a viable way of getting home without his help.