To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Totally agree, what happens when the daughter gets a job, does she say I have to leave when it is light, because it's the end of the day and I am tired? Does she say at Uni, I can only do morning lessons.

The most OTT parenting ever!

Do you not think this daughter will socialise, go to meet mates in the pub etc?

But maybe the SD has a much better moral compass? Thinks about the waste of money and environment?

My eldest child is 24 and in my experience there are two camps when it comes to this.

In my opinion I think we have to equip our children with as many tools as possible before they reach adulthood. Teaching them to use public transport, get taxis, walk alone in the dark are life skills same as we teach them to cross the road, ride a bike, learn to swim etc. I think there comes a time when you have to let them do it themselves.

Others seem to think that you have to do everything to protect them from ever having to deal with anything. This may work up until they leave school but what happens when they go to university 300 miles away or start work. I actually know someone who takes her 19 year old to and from university each day having taken them to and from school everyday despite there being a school bus. This person has never been on public transport alone and doesn’t want to learn to drive.

I am fine with my 16/17year old getting buses or taxis at 11pm because they started getting buses and taxes at 5pm when they were 13/14 years old. When they go to university next year I will no doubt worry about lots of things but at least I know they can use public transport and be out in the dark.

I think a lot of you are in denial about how shit the world really is out there and I think to pretend you're not worried or that it's totally safe for a female to be alone in the dark, is dangerous. Every day I see awful things in the news and as we witnessed, including the police, doing vile vile things to innocent women. So if my kid aged 6 17 or 26 or 36 was in the dark alone and I could do something to fix that then I certainly would

Not in denial whatsoever, simply not going to live my life in fear of what could happen. The world has always been sh*t and unsafe for females. Should we just not leave the house? The sunsets at about 4pm now where many females are leaving after school activities and getting off of work, heading home in the dark. Are we supposed to cut our hours at the risk we could get attacked or girls shouldn’t participate in after school activities if a trusted adult cannot pick them up?

We could take all the precautions in the world and be attacked. Females are also attacked in their own homes by strangers and people they know. There is risk about everywhere.

@phoenixrosehere I was just thinking the same.

It was getting dark here around 3.45 today. Pitch dark now at 4.30pm. Won’t be light until 8.30am in the morning. If we never allow our daughters to be out alone in the dark how on earth are they going to become fully functional members of society.

They quite simply won’t! Totally ridiculous!

How is it projecting?

It's clear as day. You made it clear you were unhappy to be dragged into it because you're tired or whatever. You made it clear your priority was not being dragged into it.

Also, why did you post in AIBU if your stance is that no one knows anything as you're right? This isn't an echo chamber.

Not sure why you're denying things you literally admitted to yourself. It is shit parenting. "Whatever leave me alone" combined with "toddler cannot possibly wait 45 minutes" sends a very clear message to your DD.

But her DD does use the bus and the issue wasn't that she's incapable of using public transport.

The issue was that she was promised a lift, and then didn't get one, because there was a schedule change due to no fault of her own & her toddler sibling couldn't wait.

That's the problem here. Teenagers are people with needs too, they have a lot of responsibilities, school, exams, long days. Having a lift in winter after being in the freezing cold exercising after a long day would have made a difference to her. Her toddler sibling could have waited 40 mins in a cafe.

Don't take all of this rubbish to heart OP. All the martyr mummies commenting on here probably wouldn't get off their arses to give an entitled 16 year old a lift. It's just a venue for them to pretend to be doormats to their kids.

All the people saying he should have waited in a car for 45 mins with a toddler?? It’s bloody freezing I’m sure none of you would sit on the freezing cold with a toddler in the back. The 16 year old is more than. Arable of getting a bus, she just wanted to be a typical entitled teenager. Poor mum should have been left out of it and left daughter and stepdad to sort it out

Very good post.

My DS played football a lot after school & times often changed when a visiting team were late arriving. We always made sure one of us was there to watch his match and take him home. We would often offer lifts to his friends if needed. Appreciate work isn’t always flexible but could your DH not have taken your wee one to watch her game then taken them both home afterwards? Plenty of families did that & the younger ones just played around. Appreciate it’s not as much fun in the winter. This team might be a big deal for DD & be important to her life in school. Do other parents go along? Appreciate you might need to juggle things about a bit but big kids still need a bit of support as well. Ps I work full time with 2 teens so know the constant juggle. Mine are never great about communicating anything in advance it’s always last minute.com

Wow, it’s like a mirror image of my life, I’m with someone and I’ve got two children with him, but also two children from another relationship. He is exactly the same with his step children, never resolves any issues and leaves it all to me.

I feel your pain, I really do. If only they’d use their initiative more with step children. I feel like you, exhausted and burnt out from family life. It gets me down. It’s like everything is revolved around me, do you feel like that too.

if it’s at all possible and you can find the time, take some quality time out for yourself and only you. Take an afternoon to go pamper yourself, have a coffee in a cafe and watch the world go by, browse the shops, get your nails painted. Just something for you to enjoy, or you’ll just become too burnt out you’ll get unwell.

family life is so challenging and hard work sometimes, us moms are forgotten about and expected to know everything or sort everything. it really isn’t fair.

take care and hope you do take time for yourself. 🥰

I’m another one who has spent hours sitting keeping toddlers occupied in cars due to sibling needing picked up and dropped off. It’s just part of life. If I was him I’d have nipped to the shop and got the toddler a snack and drink and then gone ahead to the football pick up to wait. Car would be warm, toddler would be fed. Bath time can be late or missed or done super quickly. Plans change. Routines need to be flexible - and I say this as a parent of an autistic child who thrives on routine.

yes the 16 year old could have got the bus but it’s pitch black and freezing cold at this time of year and I wouldn’t want them to. I was a teen who never got picked up from school by my parents. They worked til gone 5 and so I was always on the bus rain hail or shine, light or dark. I craved being picked up.

As well as being generally grumpy as a teen the OPs daughter will also be getting the message that the toddler comes first.

My god, I had my own place at 16 and regularly walked 10 miles to my parents house for dinner & then back again. She needs to grow up!

As well as being generally grumpy as a teen the OPs daughter will also be getting the message that the toddler comes first.

And presumably she'll not even notice all the many times that she has come first.

That's what happens in families. Different members are prioritised at different times, relative to their different needs. I this occasion, the toddler came first.
Last week the teenager came first, when her sick mum went and picked her up, even though she was really ill.
And she was initially prioritised on this occasion, when SD put his and the toddlers needs aside to go and fetch her at the original time.

And it was uphill both ways! 😄

But toddlers do first before 16yr olds!! 🙄

@saraclara I can see how it sounds like a ridiculous exaggeration but sadly not. I was kicked out at 15 & on the streets until I was old enough to get a place in a hostel. With next to no money for proper food, walking 10 miles in order to get a home cooked meal was worth it!

Your parents kicked you out at 15 but carried on making meals for you? I think you need a thread of your own!

The only person you should be annoyed at is your dd. Your dh has involved you because you are her mother. Your dd would doubtless have texted you anyway to complain. It all seems like a load of drama.

She's sixteen and cried over having to get a bus home? You have my deepest sympathy, OP. The only people who are not unreasonable here are you and the toddler.

The toddler didn’t need to have the food and bath at those specific times tough. Yes the toddler needs more adult input than a 16 year old but managing the situation differently could have kept everyone happy. Taking toddler for a snack somewhere nearby and then picking the teen up then a slightly later bath (depending on what time bath actually is) means that all needs are met but just slightly off plan.

And on another note. I recommend keeping blankets or extra hats and gloves in the car anyway for an emergency. If his car had broken down they would have struggled. My kids broke down with their dad (several times) but luckily they had extra layers available.

Once my older child started after school activities we had to change the toddler’s routine on some nights. Older child wasn’t an independent teen. But we didn’t stop her from doing those things because pick up clashed with toddler’s routine. We just pushed things back a little. Sometimes activities would over run, plans would change.

Yes, because the priority was bath time for a toddler. OP decided to have another child when her existing child was 14 and yet is the one having, what seems like, an adult tantrum when she gets some pushback over actually showing any concern for her eldest child.

@Namechangeforthisone2022 Only 2/3 meals a week.
Oh I agree! But the last time I started a thread (a simple question about how to deal with a bill) I ended up being cross examined and accused of being a troll. Never ever again.

Yes I was kicked out at 15 because my older brother & his girlfriend had moved in (a small bungalow) and had their baby; they needed my room and we didn’t all get along anyway. I was only on the streets 2 weeks before getting a place in a homeless hostel. They didn’t like me coming for meals and would always say “Oh no….” when I walked in but I was hungry.