To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Also, your teenager has an excuse for being a bit dramatic. She's a teenager. No excuses for the grown adults here.

He could’ve quite easily sat in the car park for 45mins with the heater on. The toddler can miss out on one bath.

Also, your teenager has an excuse for being a bit dramatic. She's a teenager.

Why do people say this? If your expectation of a teen is this then that's how they will probably be. As a parent your job is to teach them that this isn't a good way to behave. The world doesn't revolve around them, the DD didn't let her SD know that things had changed so she has to take the consequences and get the bus home. Equally if she knew her SD was doing her a favour, once she knew timings had changed she should have said sorry to muck you around Dad but don't worry I'll get the bus like I usually do.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1188650-To-be-irritated-by-this

this is a typical MN post when an engine is left running!

🤣🤣

As long as it’s not on a road there’s nothing anyone can do about it. It’s my fuel and if I want to burn it to keep warm (or cool) then I’ll bloody well do so.

He was so unreasonable to drive home and leave her
I wouldn't want my daughter of any age taking the bus or walking in the dark whether it's lit or not after an exhausting day I would collect them
If you're working and he isn't he needs to get her

It's only 45 mins to occupy the toddler for unless there's a drip feed that one of them is disabled and it's painful to sit or your toddler has behavioural problems and would crumble

He could have stuck toddler in the pram and gone to the park or for a walk

Or watched her match

45 minutes

I would feel like my parents cared less about me then my brother if they worried about a bath or 3/4 of an hour to occupy them for

Indeed. Kids live up to expectations, and the expectations of them on Mumsnet are sadly very low indeed. It does no favors to the teens in question.

I* wouldn't want my daughter of any age taking the bus or walking in the dark whether it's lit or not after an exhausting day I would collect them
If you're working and he isn't he needs to get her*

And if we are both working and she has an after school activity? Which happens often. What then? One of needs to leave work to get her? What employer is going to allow that?

Or..... she could get the bus? 🤷‍♀️
(As she often does when there are no other options, as previously stated).

She's 16, not 6.

I wasn’t ‘vitriolic’ in my posting, I said I think you’re expecting adult-level maturity from a 16 year old girl who is clearly feeling a little sidelined (based on her own words) by the new little Princess in her mother and stepfather’s life, and that the majority of your ire was aimed at her. And I still think that.

Also emojis might denote humour, but humour and truth are not mutually exclusive.

It's only 45 mins to occupy the toddler for unless there's a drip feed that one of them is disabled and it's painful to sit or your toddler has behavioural problems and would crumble

No one is disabled but of course my 1.5 year old has "behavioural issues". She has regular tantrums and gets easily bored and tries to eat random things she's isn't supposed to eat etc etc. Much like most typical 1.5 year olds, I imagine.

Op it's such a hard time of year I am exhausted and I'm a sahm so I can't even imagine how broken you feel

Im not being goady but does your partner share the load with you?
Does he work as much as you/ contribute as much financially?

@stopbeeping

Yes he works more hours than I do and we bring home roughly the same amount. He contributes equally to everything and is very hands on with home life etc.

i haven’t read full thread but I’m annoyed by all the she feels toddler is priority. The toddler should be bloody priority

I wouldn't want my daughter of any age taking the bus or walking in the dark whether it's lit or not after an exhausting day I would collect them

Good grief.

I brought my kids up to be as independent as they could be at various stages of their childhood and teenagerhood. Because I wanted them to be confident and capable people who could feel good about themselves.

Yes I gave them and their friends lifts sometimes, but often I'd offer and my DD's would say 'nah...it's fine thanks'. Sometimes because they could catch up with their friends on the way, sometimes because they fancied the exercise, and sometimes, just because they liked doing stuff for themselves. Their school was a 40 minute walk away, or a bus from 15 minutes away. But they didn't depend on me. When they did get a lift they appreciated it (as did their friends who I might pick up at the same time) but they rarely saw themselves as needing one..

Judging by this thread, there are going to be some very dependent and scared young women around in a few years.

Judging by this thread, there are going to be some very dependent and scared young women around in a few years
Anyone who works in higher education could tell you it's already a big issue. I sometimes wonder if it is at least semi deliberate on the part of the parents. A need to feel needed.

Right now my 17 year old is at school. They will get a bus straight after school into town to start work at 4.30-11pm. They will get a taxi home (last bus 10pm) get up tomorrow at 7am to get a bus to school. Pretty normal behaviour for most 16/17 year olds around here.

Sometimes I collect them after their shift but tonight I am out and will be drinking so taxi it is for both of us.

Roll on next month when they take their driving test then they can pick me up at the pub on the way home from their work.

FFS, it's perfectly clear it's not about the sodding bath. It's about not letting her stepdad know till he had wrangled the toddler into the car and virtually arrived at the school, meaning that if he was going to give her a lift a tired toddler was going to have a wait of at least 45 minutes for no good reason.

OP's DH didn't have to offer to collect her at all, just as he didn't have to collect her the previous week and every other occasion when he has done so. If the 16 year old was the poor Cinderella outcast that everyone was making her out to be, why does he ever collect her at all? I' m sure it would have been easier for him to stay at home.

People are making a massive drama out of one occasion when the toddler's needs were prioritised. As OP says, there will be numerous occasions when the teenager's needs are prioritised. That's what normal family life is all about.

Roll on next month when they take their driving test then they can pick me up at the pub on the way home from their work.

God yes, my DD turns 17 next year and I can't wait for her to book driving lessons.

I wouldn't want my daughter of any age taking the bus or walking in the dark whether it's lit or not after an exhausting day I would collect them

I feel deeply sorry for any daughter of yours, @stopbeeping. They're going to grow up unable to cope with public transport and scared of walking 50 yards on their own, and expecting people to wait on them if they've had a difficult or tiring day. You really aren't doing them any favours.

Well that's a huge relief to hear
Just wondering what you could do in real terms to make yourself have a rest and feel less exhausted and drained

Have you got an electric blanket? I know it's a small thing but changing my sheets always makes me feel soo much better
You could ask your partner to see to the toddler tonight and when you get in have a shower and get straight into bed and read/ browse/ watch tv and then have dinner on a tray in some silence

I have three kids under 7 and I am utterly beside myself atm and I don't work. I am exhausted and I have had two months of them all being sick on rotation with awful things incl scarlet fever this week, croup last month, chest infections and now my son has tonsilitis. It was the first time I ever took him to a GP!!
My husband has come home and I have literally told them all to have a nap (baby has not gone to sleep) and I've gotten into bed

I am about to put ear plugs in and sleep for an hour because my patience and tolerance is all totally wiped- this means everything is making me really angry and upset

A normal frustrating teenager and husband should piss you off but not leave you feeling this awful, you really have to carve out time for yourself because nobody else will

I don't think you're a bad parent or anything even remotely like that but if I were your daughter I would feel like the toddler got more attention then me and I would be hurt. Very hurt.

I know 1.5 year old kids are annoying af but honestly 45 mins in the car with your toddler should not be too much for your husband, on this occasion I think he let you all down

Re the scared young women to the other posters,

I think a lot of you are in denial about how shit the world really is out there and I think to pretend you're not worried or that it's totally safe for a female to be alone in the dark, is dangerous. Every day I see awful things in the news and as we witnessed, including the police, doing vile vile things to innocent women. So if my kid aged 6 17 or 26 or 36 was in the dark alone and I could do something to fix that then I certainly would.

@SnowlayRoundabout
I genuinely hope nothing awful ever happens to your children or relatives or friends because you are so certain that the world is a safe place, otherwise why would you want them to walk alone 50 yards in the dark with all the awful things that could happen? If you can avoid it, avoid it!!

Good lord, the Mumsnet fixation on the DARK🤣

What the hell is likely to happen walking fifty yards in the dark? The chances of an axe murderer or rapist happening by in the few seconds that it takes to walk that far is...well pretty much non existent. My daughter has to walk that far from her parked car to her front door!

If this is the kind of paranoia you're inflicting on your daughter, the poor girl doesn't have a hope of a normal life.

I think we all hope nothing awful happens to ours, or anyone else children, and the good thing is, it rarely does.