To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Yes you said you weren't speaking to her. I have a great sense of humour thanks, but considering this wasn't a laughing post

It literally had this : at the end.

I mean.

Ok, I'll try it this way:

Toddler was the only one I speaking to when I got home 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Better? I mean. I felt the first one was pretty clear tbh but.... 🤷‍♀️

Why? What is so awful about travelling by bus?

It only caused stress because the 16 year old made a massive drama about it. Presumably at the point when the decision was being made no-one really thought she would make so much fuss about such a non-issue?

@teenagestress to be fair the first emoji doesn't overly look like a laughing face, looks more like a little yellow cupcake 🤣

Wasn't it more a case of balancing, on the one hand the problem of trying to keep a tired toddler amused whilst stuck in the car for 45 minutes, and on the other hand a teenager doing a 10 minute walk along a well-lit road with her friends to catch the bus? Waiting a short time iin the cold is hardly dreadful for someone who has just been voluntarily spending time outdoors at a football match.

🤣

@DillyDallyPop

Noted! I shall endeavour to use the 🤣 henceforth to communicate humour on MN 🤣

@Suffrajitsu

You've got exactly where I was coming from. It was entirely a case of balancing out everyone's needs. Sometimes eldest will take priority and at other times youngest will. And that's life 🤷‍♀️

@Suffrajitsu

Absolutely nothing to travel by bus if that was the only option but at there was another option
OP obviously didn’t want her daughter to go by bus either or those arrangements would have been in place

When you talk about your teenager you use quite scathing, sarcastic language OP. You seem so much more annoyed with her than DH even though she’s just a kid. 16 is still a kid.

Honestly this thread has just confirmed to me why we have a world full of teens/young adults who are so unbelievably entitled and incapable and mostly living at home getting things given by mummy and daddy.

We are absolutely setting our kids up to fail with the way things are at the minute.

She is 16, practically verging on adulthood. She was asked to get a bus! Not run a 10 mile marathon home!!

Everyone acting like having 1 sibling and therefore your needs not always taking priority is the end of the world! Wow!!

Not always being priority when you are more than capable of doing something by yourself when someone else isn't is part of life.

I actually cannot believe what I am reading.

Every time my Friend's husband said something pointless to her when kids were small e.g. "Baby has done a poo on the rug" or "We've run out of milk" or in your case "teen DD's game is late and I have toddler in car" Friend would reply "And you are telling me because?" then look puzzled, and leave a long silence. Or sometimes she'd say Good to know! very chirpily and change the subject.

The look on his face could be so comical. He stopped doing it funnily enough. Maybe that might work with DH.

As for teen DD, tell her that next time a barrage of shitty texts come in when you are working (even when aren't frankly) you silence the phone and put it in a drawer after the first.

Yes Blendiful I agree. The DD should have been bloody apologetic towards her SD for messing him around not having a hissy fit with her mother about having to make a bus journey that is completely familiar to her.

YANBU

It would be entirely different if she had absolutely no way home outside of your DH or money for the bus.

I remember being that age but also was used to getting myself home via public transport and walking if my parents weren’t available because things I wanted to do ran late or ended early in all kinds of weather.

If she is looking to go off to uni, trade school, etc, how does she expect to manage?

My toddlers don't tend to enjoy standing around in the cold and dark watching a load of children playing football whilst I try to stop them running onto the pitch, especially at the end of the day when they're tired.

@Suffrajitsu agree 100%.

@teenagestress

This thread is hilarious. I might have to call SS on you for having the AUDACITY to have a routine for your toddler AND making a 16 year old get the bus. WHAT A TERRIBLE MOTHER YOU ARE!!! WHAT A BASTARD DH!!!!

> 😂< Clear joke emoji ;-p

But to answer your original post Q - I wouldn't be angry at either one of them. Was just a life situation. Not a bid deal. x

How about this - your car is broken, dh offers to collect you from work but you get stuck in a last minute meeting when he's nearly there. Would you expect him to wait, or go on home and you walk for ten mins and get the bus for what must be 40+ - tired after a long day at work ( school, assuming GCSEs plus football has got to be at least a ten hour day for her). You'd be fine right because why should the world revolve around you? Or would you appreciate that lift you'd been offered/looking forwards to when it's dark and freezing cold?

In that situation, if I knew my DH would have our toddler with him and would have to wait round in the cold with her for 45 minutes, yes I would be absolutely fine with him prioritising the small child. In fact, I would be quite annoyed if I had been distracted during the meeting by worrying about them.

For lots of people, it's just family life for teenagers to get themselves onto buses if they are available, rather than expecting to be schlepped around everywhere.

I don't think your bloke would have won either way. If he had decided without you do turn around and go home making her get the bus, you would have been torn who to stick up for. He did the right thing on this occasion to ask you to deal with it. He still can't win even with that.

It's tricky sometimes being a step parent.

A 30 min bus ride to see friends is not the same as a 30 minute bus ride after physical activity on a school night. That's literally common sense.

It really is not so different as to make it a dreadful thing to expect of a 16 year old, though, is it? Sitting on a bus for 30 minutes is hardly exhausting. That really is common sense.

Seriously OP, some of these posters are creating rods for their own backs by raising teenagers who will always rely on mum and dad to rescue them from annoying situations. It's pathetic.

Your main crime on this thread is not being apologetic and just backing down when people told you how awful they are. It's their mission to make you feel like an absolute piece of shit, you see. A bit like playground bullies.

How awful you are*

Well it’s clear where your priorities lie - and it’s not with your DD. So your toddler doesn’t get a bath at a precise time - so what - does the bath disappear?

Your DH joined your family knowing you had a daughter - was it her fault the football overran? She must feel really good about her place in YOUR new family set up.