To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

@Banjoman but it's freezing so appropriate clothing would have been on the wee one anyway.

And I'm sure there was a shop he could have got a packet of crisps and a bottle of juice/water at nearby. Or even a supermarket he could have wondered around for 45 minutes.

I don't see why he wouldn't have waited.

It’s not reasonable to expect a toddler to sit in the car for 45 mins. In the summer fine, he could have got the toddler out and gone for a while. But it was freezing last night. No-one would want to get a bus over a lift but if it starts late then it’s tough, if he didn’t get the message until he had already set off, he’s not going to want to go back. He probably messaged you as he’s not her bio father and needed you to speak to her as she was annoyed

She had clothing suitable for a car journey in a warm car. Not for getting out of the car on a freezing cold December night. No hat, gloves etc. because he wasn't expecting to need to get her out of the car so why would he take them? I wouldn't have either.

Why on earth didn't he just carry on there as he must have been fairly near and then him and her sister go and watch the remaining time of the match. He got a call at 5pm and he was still in the car so by the time he parked and actually got out the car and went to see the end of the match it would have only been 20 mins or so.

That is what i would have done and what i would expect of my partner. I'm sure your toddler would have loved to have run around outside but, even if not, then surely for 20 mins she can just hang out with your H in the car. In this situation i feel sorry for your daughter (i also have a 16 year old and a younger one).

But, it isnt supportive to say that he might be late becuase he has to give dinner to the younger one.

Anyone who has more than one child has probably on many occasions - had to give dinner to the other one a bit earlier, later, in the car etc etc to be able to juggle all the needs of the children in the house and not just focus on the needs of one of them!

He wouldn't have to wait 45 minutes as he wasn't even at the school then.

He was 5 mins away

Ah ok

@Bellaboo01

Yeah. I'm sure my tired toddler absolutely would really have "loved" to run around in 1 degree temperature on a winter evening on an open football field with with no hat or gloves 🙄

I see the rationale from both sides but I do feel a little sorry for DD. 45 minutes is annoying but not that long given the distance. The step parent dynamic exists under the surface even in the best of situations and he clearly prioritised “his” child over her. She’s 16 not 25 so the occasional immature bit of jealousy is going to come out. A learning experience for both sides I think and they need to thrash this out to clear the air.

Maybe I'm too old but what is it with keeping to strict timetables for youngsters? I understand that the DH did not want to sit in the car for 45 mins with a toddler, but to say he was worried because the toddler would be late for its bath, therefore maybe 30 minutes late for bed, I just don't understand. Yes its great if a routine can be kept to most of the time, but it really is not the end of the world if its broken once in a while. I read a lot on MN that mums and dads (but mostly mums) can't do this, or that, or are stressed because child's routine will be broken. Children are resilient, they get over it and to try to be so regimental about it, well its no wonder young mums are so stressed out - relax, routines don't have to be set in stone.

Why would she be tired at just gone 5pm!?

Running around with no gloves on or hat, really isnt the worst thing in the world. As parents we improvise and i know as i have been there many times with the age gap too. I remember putting gloves on as socks, it would have be do-able!

You asked the question. I have just responded to say that isnt what i would have expected from my partner. The little one would have been fine but, mentally, your 16 year old probably would have felt upset and alone at that point.

I totally get this. We wrap teenagers up too much these days IMO. They don't learn to be resilient, resourceful and accept consequences at all.

Everything is instant and easy in their lives (as easy as being a teenager can ever be). Parents do lots for a long time. I honestly don't think it's helpful.

I have a 16 yo and I would have done the same as you. We are currently trying to teach ours that the fact she has got herself a job an hour and 2 busses away is her problem not ours, she has plenty of opportunity to look for something closer and hasn't bothered to do so, and we can't always run her around there and back.

I would also be annoyed with both of them, I've had the same scenario lots of times with them all ringing me at work to resolve an issue I just don't even need to be involved in. It's very frustrating.

I get the 'it was different for you' but at 16 I had a job I found myself, my mum didn't drive so I had to get the bus if I wanted to do anything, and I was capable of resolving problems, I had to be! And my mum was very supportive and an excellent parent, but it did me good to have to do things for myself. My kids definitely don't have this, and so I'm trying to get them doing it now.

Your Dd would have survived on the bus, and the consequence is, she won't leave it so late to message next time and will plan more in advance. Just because 'this is what teenagers do' doesn't mean we should jump through hoops and teach them it's ok to do it, it's not ok, and in 2 years (or less) they are 18 and the world views it very differently to be disorganised and unreliable then. So teaching them consequences now is decent parenting.

DH created the drama by claiming he couldn’t entertain a toddler for 45 minutes. Then claiming the toddler couldn’t possibly have a later bath. That would fuck me right off. It just seems so incredibly inflexible and weak.

Yes but the point is that he and toddler could have watched the final 45 minutes.

Hi op - I'm sorry you are having a hard time at the moment, both in life and on here and I hope things get better for you soon.

I won't comment on your original post as you have had enough of that, but as a single parent of two teenagers (15 and 16), working full time, you have my sympathy and I get how hard it is. Most days at the moment I feel like I'm just staying afloat between them both. They both ring/text me while I'm working just to ask me to pic them up from school/college (both are a 20 min walk away) yet never ring their dad, who also loves in the same town, as he is always far too busy with his oh so important job. Am I busy too? Hell yes, but they know that I am weaker (I like to think care more) and that I am more likely to do it to keep the peace because going to pick them up is easier to deal with than the next few hours of tears and tantrums and sulking. I honestly think they were easier to reason with as toddlers sometimes.

I've gone off on a tangent there but my point it, I hope you are ok, you are not a shit mum and no matter how much we want to be, we can't be everything to everyone all of the time x

Had he have known and worn appropriate clothing himself and had appropriate clothing for the toddler, but the point is, that he didn't know, until he was already there.

If i'm going to pick someone up in the car, I wear trainers, my child would wear trainers.

If I am going to stand on a football pitch, if would be thick socks, wellies and layers, totally different clothes.

Does your buggy not have one of those big duvet style foot muffs on it? Ours was so cosy that DS didn't need thick clothes underneath it, and his head was protected with the hood right up.

Delighted for you

You ask if you are unreasonable to be "annoyed at both of them" but your annoyance seems to be directed much more at your daughter than your DH. Not a criticism, just an observation.

Sounds like you are terribly stressed at the moment, I do truly hope this gets better for you and that you all have a stress free Christmas (or as much as possible).

@TerraNostra

It does yes. But it wouldn't have been in the car as he wasn't expecting to use it.

Thank you

Having a toddler sibling at 16 would be shit, especially if your mum and stepdad had become immensely precious around the toddler’s routine and reneged on a plan to pick you up when matters beyond your control changed arrangements by a whole 45 minutes.

Of course she’s capable of getting the bus, but it might just be another thing to add to a growing list of resentments. I’m not sure her mum sitting down and talking about exams is a huge amount of solace.

He is an unreasonable idiot. He promised to pick her up. People run (unavoidably) late all the time.
He sent a message to your daughter, loud and clear, that the younger child is more important than her. That is why she is pissed off.

Of course she is capable of getting the bus but it was arranged arranged pick her up, was it really such a problem to wait probably not much more than half an hour as he had already said he was going to be late?