To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Thank you

Thank you.

I was literally firing off emails, trying to have a really important conversation with a colleague, updating a record system that is crucial it's kept up to date before I left at 6pm or heads could roll (mine).... i had an hour left at work to sort all this. And then on top... answering a phone to DH and having a million texts ping on my phone.

But... Yeah. According to some posters (with very clear issues from their own childhoods that they are projecting), I just wanted to be left alone to enjoy my spa day cos I'm a shit uncaring mum. 🤷‍♀️

@MysteryBelle

Oh wow. Nice bit of gaslighting there.

I "agreed with a poster who said my youngest was more important", did I??

Please, please, quote precisely where I did that.

@MysteryBelle

It gets better.

I view my daughter as "a piece of refuge" and I have "utter contempt" for her?

Wow. Just wow. No words. Vile.

You sound so awful.

@MysteryBelle fucking ditto after that venom I've just read.

This is quite possible and not something I'd considered before actually. "Just after 5" to him meant 5 past or so. To her it might have meant "any time after 5". So maybe communication needs to be more specific between them!

I also wonder how long ago those who think it's not hard to entertain a toddler for 45 mins (plus the hour journey) close to bedtime with no preparation had a toddler, or if they just had really unusual toddlers! Evening is peak grumpy time, especially once out of routine.

I wonder this too!

Sorry there are a lot.of ways you can entertain a toddler for 45 minutes, even if it means cocomelon on our phone. It's not THAT long at all. Toddler routines change all the time.

Hat is unsafe about a 16 year old getting the bus?

it’s perfectly normal and she is happy to do it when meeting her mates.

time she learnt consideration for others.

he has his own life and is not her personal chauffeur.

I think its shitty that the toddler took priority to be honest! Not your DD"s fault the time changed, I understand her being upset.

And when your DH called all you had to say is don't bring me into this, you need to call her.

I feel really sorry for your teen DD OP, you can't seem to listen to anyone pointing out how she might feel.

I'm sorry you're feeling so burnt out and of course she shouldn't have bombarded you with messages but you do seem to be making clear the toddler is more important (perhaps unintentionally). You specifically agreed with the following post...

--
teenagestress · Yesterday 20:55

Waterlooville · Yesterday 20:53

I'm confused by some of these replies being concerned that the dd is getting the message that the toddler is more important. Frankly, they are. They need an adult for teatime, bedtime. Getting the bus is no big deal.

Yeah. I did think that myself tbh

I imagine she's picked up on your view there and the lift/bus issue just bought it all to a head - of course, she's capable of getting the bus but her reaction doesn't sound selfish to me, it sounds more like hurt.

Teenagers need a lot of parental support just in a different way to bedtime/teatime etc. Maybe this is a moment for a good chat where you can recognise the way her life has changed over the last couple of years and also be open to some extent with her, since she's 16, that at times you're really struggling juggling everything too.

You do sound knackered and like you're trying to do your best for everyone, I just think a little empathy as to why DD got so upset might resolve the situation faster and save you all less stress in the long run. I hope today is a better today for you all.

Of course he could have entertained her. I don't think that's up for debate, but he was entirely within his right to decide that option wasn't the best one. Agree with others, it's a bus home in winter after a sports game, hardly torture! She can also rightly be annoyed about this, but she then needs to learn how best to communicate this, bombarding mum whilst at work isn't the answer. 16 is quickly approaching being an adult, and navigating annoyances is a learning curve. Stressful time of year especially when work is busy, and a mountain has been made out of a mole hill xx

@DancingMunch

It was this part I agreed with

They need an adult for teatime, bedtime. Getting the bus is no big deal.

That the youngest's needs require constant adult input whereas eldest's do not.

I hope you have a better day today OP. You are dealing with the toughest periods of parenting, teenagers and toddlers and both together. It must be a real juggling act especially with a demanding job.

I don't think your DH did anything wrong and only you know if your DD kicked off because she is reacting to the fact she is no longer the only child or has deep seated problems. When things are calmer maybe have a chat with her.

Ignore some of the vile comments on this thread. Some posters may be projecting and some may have forgotten the early evening is a nightmare with toddlers and some may just be bringing up a bunch of snowflakes. A walk/ bus ride for a healthy teenager is not torture when she is coming back to a warm house and hot meal provided by parents who have worked a 10 hour shift.

My point being that obviously I understand that my eldest has needs. But her needs at the moment are more emotional than practical, whereas my toddler's are obviously primarily practical.

For example after toddler was in bed a few nights ago, I sat with DD and talked to her about her exams and the stress of those etc, helping her to think of a revision timetable. She needed that emotional support from me in that moment so I was there for her. But did she absolutely necessarily desperately need that lift home? No, I don't believe she did. I believe in that instance, the toddler's practical needs should have taken precedence as DD did not need input for the practical task of getting home on a bus, something she has done many times when she's seeing friends etc.

To me, it's about juggling the most prevalent need at any one time in a family with such an age gap between children. DD knows she was initially prioritised with the offer of the lift, aS she was last week (you'll note I prioritised her lift home over my own health as I was off work sick that day yet still collected her). She knew she was prioritised when I offered emotional support around her exams. But at certain points and in certain situations she needs to learn that she can be a bit more independent to allow for other family members' needs, imo.

@Cornishclio

Thank you. It's honestly a really tough combination of ages. 🙈

Shitty? Or life sometimes?

I few up as one of 5 siblings. Sometimes my needs were priority when the situation demanded it, and at others one of my siblings' needs were.

It was an important life lesson for me in adulthood - that the world isn't just about my one wants (wants, not needs - because that's what this was about).

That's life 🤷‍♀️

*grew up

I don't think your dh did anything wrong so yabu to be angry with him. He explained to her why he couldn't do it, she clearly didn't accept it from him. You were then dragged into it because she stamped her feet.

She's 16 not 6, and clearly her getting the bus was the best option all round. My 12yo gets the bus home from school 3 days a week! You were working. No other justification needed.

The only thing I'd be a bit concerned about would be your dd feeling that the toddler's needs trump hers - particularly as this is a half sibling/ step parent situation. Do you think she might feel that way generally? In that situation I'd talk to her when things calmed down and listen carefully to what she tells you. She was probably just being dramatic, but you never know what's going in their heads.

Today is another day. You've had a lot on your plate. The weekend is close, do something nice with her.

It's ok OP. It sounds like a perfectly normal interaction in a perfectly loving family. You're just over the edge from juggling it all. What your DH did was fine. Teenager bombarding you not fine but all typical and can be addressed later. No way I'd be offering any more rides. Just make the bus the only option. You just don't need the stress or complication.

No point coming on Mumsnet asking for opinions when you are not taking on board anyones opinion that says something you don't like! Everyone's standards and priorities are different, I would have just got my DD if I had said I was getting her, when it wasn't her fault that the times changed. Simple as.

I know. What a load of shite.

No point coming on Mumsnet asking for opinions when you are not taking on board anyones opinion that says something you don't like!

On the contrary. Lots of people have been extremely helpful and supportive and getting it all out has been a huge release of pressure as I don't talk about it in RL and just get on with it ..... So coming on MN has been immensely helpful, actually.

I'm glad someone said this. All the time people moan about cars engines running when parked and now it's no big deal.
She's 16, quite honestly a toddler does come before her, as it should. She's capable of getting the bus and just didn't want to.

Honestly how are some of you going to cope in a couple of years when your now 16 year olds are barely even home anymore? I cannot believe there are so many parents running around after their older teenagers! No wonder many of them are completely useless at coping with life when they've flown the nest.