To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

A lift home when you can catch the bus isn't a need, it's a luxury.

The only nonsense in this thread is the number of parents who are not bringing their children up to be independent and thinking a short walk and bus ride is something 16 year olds are incapable of and bringing them up to be self centred and not appreciate what their parents do for them. Her SD did not need to come out at all. If they do it and I did for my children many times it is done as a favour and her kicking off because she did not tell him the time had changed and he had other commitments is selfish and inconsiderate. Next time maybe she will let him know in plenty of time if he offers again.

I am not sure it is raising the standards of parenting to bring them up to be so entitled.

@Cornishclio

Quite agree, and lets not forget all this could have easily been solved by a quick text at half time/before extra time that the game was running late.

and mum doesn't give a crap as long as she's left alone.

Mum was AT WORK! She wasn't looking for a quiet life, she was AT WORK! For goodness sake. At my work I couldn't even have my phone with me to deal with this sort of crap from a sulky teen.

Well done you for trying to sort it.
I'd also look into some other things to help.even if it's 10 in your room on your bed.no distractions and just doing some deep belly. breathing.the difference after moments like that can be mind blowing op.we never have time but really we have to!
Also talk to your family please.make a team.tell them where YOUR at.they need to be at this time supporting and cradling your little heart. Your rd is old enough to no enough,to be able to deal with a loved one struggling and be there for you.
Could you ask for help in meal cooking,time out,shopping rtf.seriously.sit them down and say I need your help.
I don't think your st was wrong.at that age,a change like that,or a slight can seem monstrous lol.and the texts is normal.she doesn't no her own brain at that point so is brain farting.its a compliment to you she feels sage enough to let you see that side of her.
For now focus on the things you can control.and delegate you must right now ask your family to help ad you've hit crisis.
Possibly phone a helpline or doctors?
Do some breathing everyday.
Ground yourself.
Read a page of a book or magazine.
Draw one flower.
Keep going.
Send 15 light hearted text to your dd telling her how much you love her and piss her off.😙
Just keep on.

I'm really late to this OP, just reaching out with solidarity ✊️. I have 2 teens - 16 and 18, who have a step-dad (DH)- and another sibling DS3(10 but has significant ASN).

I need to think of DS3 first ALL the time. It's shit for me, it's shit for DH (we rarely get time together just us and haven't for 10 years), it can be shit for DS1 and DS2, but it's LIFE. I understand that DS1 and 2 will probably feel that their needs are secondary a lot of the time, and they sadly are, but they've been brought up to understand. We have a great relationship (DS1) and a good one (DS2- which I hope as he matures will be great too, he's still.v egocentric right now) but they just understood their brother needs to be thought of first. We have rugby 6 days a week between them. They cycle in the better weather, but a bit of cold and dark does them no harm if either of us can't drop or collect. And there's no bus so they need to cycle. They accept this wholeheartedly. As long as they're warm, healthy and have lights on their bike and a helmet they're good to go. It's part of being involved in an onerous sport- give and take.

I'm not buying all this wailing about a 16 year old getting the bus now and again. It's not a big deal at all. I caught a bus 4 days a week to my hobby- mum didn't drive and dad worked shifts, it's just what you do (I also walked 35 minutes on freezing Sat mornings at 7am to get the hockey bus to away matches at school- cos there was no bus that early and we were ruralish).

Give yourself a break. Be annoyed at him for calling you and annoyed at her for over-reacting, tell them and hope it won't happen again.

I hope Christmas brings you a small break; I sympathise with the tiring, shitty job at the minute. You can't be a good mum/ wife/ employee if you're broken. ❤

I get your POV, you shouldn't have had to be involved, yanbu. But I think yabu to include dd. Dh was the one that called you first and if I were him I would've waited for her.

The 16yo is the only person being unreasonable here. Their behaviour is ridiculous. I had supportive parents and they weren’t picking me up from sports at 6pm, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to ask. The toddler routine is far more important, keeping them in a car for an extra 45 minutes would be pretty painful, and the tantrum she threw is outrageous. I can completely see why your dh called you, when a teen stepchild is being absolutely ridiculous it’s not unreasonable to pass it to their actual parent. I’d step in and say this tantrum was very childish, I’m going to say Dh will not pick you up for a month. Catching the bus is very normal and how many 16 yos get around. I’m sorry your game time changed and that upset you but you can’t react like that. It’s your job to get yourself home and very straightforward via public transport, and Dh picking you up was a favour. Clearly you don’t see it that way so it should stop.

I wonder if she didn't think the later finish would be a big deal as in the morning he'd said he'd likely collect her a bit after five as he was doing toddler tea? 5:45 might have translated to not much more than a bit after five in her mind.

She probably thinks that toddler comes first now. Yabu and so is your DH

Teenage Stress

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

Why did you tell him you'd call her to tell her she needed to get the bus if you were so busy and so desperate not to be disturbed? Why volunteer rather than let him get on with it, or even tell him to sort it out himself, given he's an adult who should be able to deal with such a situation? It seems to me that you've inserted yourself into the situation when there was no need for you to do so.

Doesn't the youngest most vulnerable child come first in any family?

why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop.

I’m guessing because her parents are always giving her lifts. Independence in kids really has to be learnt. The same lesson needs to be learned by you with regards to ‘fixing’ things, your H called you because he knows you will get involved and your DD harassed you because she’s an entitled madam. I would be giving her a stern talking to and you need to cut back on the things you do for her, then she might be more appreciative if they aren’t the norm

What a weird take. No.

She's your DD. Sorry responsibility falls to you. It's not DH / Step Dad issue to sort.

Where's bio Dad in all this ?

It does seem that the routine for the toddler is inflexible. Plenty of parents take kids to 1hr long clubs and keep their toddlers entertained while waiting.

why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

DD didn’t take it well, did she? As SP myself, I pass the buck to DH when teen DSC are likely to kick off too; they’ve been brought up differently to my own DC, and I’ll be damned if I’m feeling with the fallout.

*dealing with the fallout!

@Outtasteamandluck

I think he's passed away?

I think this is spot on. Blended family units bring a whole lot of blended up feelings with the package. I honestly think they were all playing you on the night, like a fight for attention. The truth being your DH is an adult. He should not be playing you like that but adapting. Yet here he is clearly making out it’s your kid, not his. We all have to adjust to kids from time to time. Ask yourself what he wi up d have done if it was his 16 yo daughter.

I think this is life when you have a 14 year age gap?

I think you and dh have been given a surprisingly rough time here op. I'm not sure why people think the fact they regularly keep kids in the car waiting for a siblings activity is relevant, when presumably the regularity means they know it is going to happen and therefore have things to entertain the child with them, so it's a completely different scenario. Same for watching some of the game - it would be pretty negligent to take a toddler out after dark in this weather to do that if you haven't known in advance to take the appropriate clothes.

I also wonder how long ago those who think it's not hard to entertain a toddler for 45 mins (plus the hour journey) close to bedtime with no preparation had a toddler, or if they just had really unusual toddlers! Evening is peak grumpy time, especially once out of routine.

I do however agree that to dds developing teenage brain this will probably have seemed like a more dramatic act than it was, and quite likely will be seen as preferential treatment. I'm not saying I think that, but can empathise with her that might be how it feels and know siblings, even when not a blended family, are often quick to see favouritism. So it would be good to reassure her, and also to have a calmer conversation about how to handle things in future (letting people know earlier of changes and not bothering you at work unless urgent being 2 of them). Getting the bus was a natural consequence of not communicating soon enough or thinking about how the change affected others, so she can hopefully learn from that.

Equally for dh, he probably felt he needed to let you know the change as its your daughter and he knew she was annoyed, but again you need to be clear about what level of contact you can handle in work.

It was a bad evening for all of you and I dont think anyone is completely in the wrong, but can totally understand your annoyance.

If anything I'd be most annoyed at the school changing things without warning or any consideration that pupils clearly travel quite a way to school or that families may need to make plans sometimes!

You are the "whatever just leave me alone parent" - I had one of these, it's pretty shit.

And you are ..... clearly projecting and know nothing about the type of parent I am

Thanks all.

Stepping away now as I've had lots of helpful replies last night and I don't have energy anymore.