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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at both of them?!

811 replies

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 20:13

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

  1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

  2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

OP posts:
Junejolie · 07/12/2022 23:42

Seems like they both chose this as an excuse to make a scene

HotChoxs · 07/12/2022 23:44

catflycat · 07/12/2022 23:35

I think it's quite mean to offer to pick her up, to be nearly there and then not wait for 40 mins. Surely he could have gone up the supermarket or looked at Christmas lights. Presumably she was busy playing football and texted at half time as others have said. It's not that she isn't capable of getting a bus, but your dh was capable of picking her up - he was there!

How about this - your car is broken, dh offers to collect you from work but you get stuck in a last minute meeting when he's nearly there. Would you expect him to wait, or go on home and you walk for ten mins and get the bus for what must be 40+ - tired after a long day at work ( school, assuming GCSEs plus football has got to be at least a ten hour day for her). You'd be fine right because why should the world revolve around you? Or would you appreciate that lift you'd been offered/looking forwards to when it's dark and freezing cold?

Just because we're capable of things doesn't mean we should have to put up with it. I CAN load my work van myself, but when my husband is not on a work call he'll help me because it's the kind thing to do and because I'm more likely to be on time after walking the kids to school. I'm always amazed when people expect so much from their kids - maybe she deserves a bit more kindness.

It's not mean because walking 10 minutes to take a bus home isn't a big deal for a 16 year old is it! Unbelievable that anyone thinks it is!

TheOrigRights · 07/12/2022 23:46

I remember my baby sister being schlepped around all over the place while my Mum rounded up us 3 teenagers, and my own DS2 having to just fit in with his much older brother's activities (much of that time as a lone parent).
It's just family life for lots of people.

Mumtofourandnomore · 07/12/2022 23:50

I have not RTFT but my sixteen year old got the bus and train back from her part-time job at 8:30 tonight and it took her an hour. Sometimes I pick her up and sometimes I don’t. My fourteen year old always gets the bus and train back from school matches because my husband and I are at work.

It’s good to be independent and I watch all their activities at weekends. It’s unreasonable to mess around with a small child when there’s a bus stop ten minutes away.

WhitePhantom · 07/12/2022 23:50

saraclara · 07/12/2022 23:30

It'd be a whole lot crueler to subject a toddler, not dressed for anything other than being in a warm, running car for half an hour, to sitting in a stationary car in freezing weather for 45 minutes ON TOP OF the time he'd already been stuck in his car seat.

Entirely different had the step dad known he was going to be stuck there, and had dressed the toddler accordingly, and brought things to occupy him. But he didn't. At that point the downside for the DD of her SD leaving wasn't as bad the downside for the toddler in sitting in a freezing car for 45 minutes.

Show quote history

Oh god can we stop with the "sitting in a freezing car" stuff?? It was in a city centre where there are warm shops, cafes, etc... 🙄

BertaHoon · 07/12/2022 23:50

Take toddler to see the match and wave at their sister.

Skip toddler bath.

Never risk your daughter's peace of mind and safety.
I feel sorry for her.

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:53

BertaHoon · 07/12/2022 23:50

Take toddler to see the match and wave at their sister.

Skip toddler bath.

Never risk your daughter's peace of mind and safety.
I feel sorry for her.

At what age do you think the daughter is safe to walk to a bus stop, get on the bus at 5.45pm, in a city centre?

TheOrigRights · 07/12/2022 23:56

Take toddler to see the match and wave at their sister.

If it was a school match i.e. parents NOT there, then this would guarantee she would always get the bus home !

WhitePhantom · 08/12/2022 00:01

Theluckoftheirish · 07/12/2022 23:39

I can’t believe posters think 16 is too young to get a bus at 6pm. What has become of the world.
No one drove in my house growing up, so it was always buses, no choice.
Teenagers need independence. I know a family who won’t let their 20+ year old, grown up children get a bus after dark on their own. How will they survive in the real world with all this fear instilled in them.

I didn't see anyone saying she was "too young" to get the bus. Just that she was tired and cold after a long day.

Thought she was getting a lift VS a cold ten minute walk and a bus ride (carrying school bag and football gear?) I'd be upset too and I'm a long way past 16!

saraclara · 08/12/2022 00:02

TheOrigRights · 07/12/2022 23:46

I remember my baby sister being schlepped around all over the place while my Mum rounded up us 3 teenagers, and my own DS2 having to just fit in with his much older brother's activities (much of that time as a lone parent).
It's just family life for lots of people.

The toddler WAS schlepped around the place. But his dad drew the line at this favour taking an hour and a half at the wrong time of day for the toddler.

Merlinsbeard83 · 08/12/2022 00:05

He was already out , he could of waited 45 mins more . Its dark and cold she probably just wanted to be in a warm car . Poor kid . He could have done bed time a hour later.
And of course they included you , he obviously didn't want to be the bad guy and got you to tell her no lift . And she hoped you would ask him to pick her up .
Was it worth all the stress. He could of waited and you all be a lot less stressed .
Instead it sounds like it turned into a whole stressful evening

Vanillaspicebaby · 08/12/2022 00:07

OP - I’m sorry your struggling, life sounds hard at the moment for you. I also think it’s probably hard for your 16 year old, in ways maybe you don’t like to think about? She has a much younger sibling after years of being your only priority, and has to deal with a blended family unit. Her texts were probably about more than the situation but the way it made her feel. (If that makes sense). And let’s be honest you can’t rely on teenagers being the most rational and calm of people. Be kind to and have empathy with her. I appreciate that’s a lot when you feel like you don’t have the energy for kindness or empathy for yourself. Hope things improve for you all.

Liorae · 08/12/2022 00:11

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 22:33

On the other hand, if the 16 year old had reasonable consideration, her text would have said "If that causes a problem I can get the bus".

Who says she'd have to walk to the bus stop in the dark? OP says it's well lit.

Show quote history

Dark is used for drama on Mumsnet a lt, as though a well lit street I'd like Darkest Peru.

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2022 00:13

on one hand i was going round the country at 16 with mates getting a bus home shouldnt be that bad

on the other hand i had a toddler sibling at that age and it was always about them-maybe thats why i was out alot

starfishmummy · 08/12/2022 00:22

YANBU.

Some odd replies though- blaming a stepfather for not staying. Because if it had been a stepmother everyone would be saying that a stepmother shouldnt be expected to help!

ScotlandEuropa · 08/12/2022 00:30

there was a thread fairly recently about a stepmum who refused to open the door to her stepkids.

most posters felt that this was just fine…

Miajk · 08/12/2022 00:33

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 20:52

the drive was 30 mins I’m guessing it’s a pretty long bus ride, your poor DD

Poor neglected DD. Funny that she can manage this god awful 30 minute (oh the horror) bus ride perfectly well when she wants to meet her mates in town on a weekend....

Not sure why you asked for opinions if then you're so unwilling to accept any other views.

A 30 min bus ride to see friends is not the same as a 30 minute bus ride after physical activity on a school night. That's literally common sense.

You are the "whatever just leave me alone parent" - I had one of these, it's pretty shit. You just want peace and quiet, your DD and everyone else just need to suck it up.

And when did people start acting like a toddler cannot do anything but nap, eat, have structured playtime? Your DH couldn't have had entertained them for 45 mins? Why?

You ARE clearly sending your DD a message of what the priorities are. To you it's peace, to your DH it's the toddler, and she is... Well somewhere very far down the line.

saraclara · 08/12/2022 00:37

starfishmummy · 08/12/2022 00:22

YANBU.

Some odd replies though- blaming a stepfather for not staying. Because if it had been a stepmother everyone would be saying that a stepmother shouldnt be expected to help!

Yep. Normally the MN response is "his child, his problem". But now DD is the step dad's problem. Because he's a man, presumably.

ChildcareIsBroken · 08/12/2022 00:41

I can't believe some of these replies.
You are right to be annoyed. Your husband didn't need to involve you and your daughter shouldn't complain.
Have some chocolate, you deserve it.

HotChoxs · 08/12/2022 00:41

OP I'm so sorry these people who have anger issues against their parents are taking it out on you. It's clear that an effort was made to pick her up, if the toddler was priority or you were a "whatever leave me alone parent" this would have not happened.

The message to your daughter was correct, you are having a tough time at work, everything doesn't revolve around her, and she can do her bit by getting the bus home when there's a change of plan.

Cornishclio · 08/12/2022 00:43

Goodness me some of these answers reflect why many teenagers are totally unprepared for life when they eventually get to University or out into the workplace. DD is 16 and perfectly capable of walking for 10 minutes and catching a bus at 5.45. My 16 year old DDs and myself had part time jobs and all managed to get ourselves to and from without lifts unless very late at night. She is only 2 years off being an adult and is acting very childish. Toddler on the other hand is no doubt cold, hungry and grumpy and after being in the car for an hour already people think it is no issue to entertain them for another hour.

In the future though I would not get involved and if your DH ropes you in as backup remind him you are capable of sorting these things out without needing intervention and he should too.

lifeinthehills · 08/12/2022 00:44

saraclara · 08/12/2022 00:37

Yep. Normally the MN response is "his child, his problem". But now DD is the step dad's problem. Because he's a man, presumably.

Show quote history

It became the step parent's problem when they agreed to do the pick up. Had he not, it wouldn't have been.

PollyPut · 08/12/2022 00:46

If I was in DH's position, I would have stayed. Only reason I'd have gone back without DD would be if there was another child or someone I cared for at home that was waiting for me.

Cold after being outside for over an hour, dark. Physically exhausted after sports match. Possibly upset if they lost. Probably has homework to do. Had been offered a lift so she gets home quicker. I would have just stayed. She will think toddler is the priority.

After this she may not ask for or accept lifts in future when she does actually need them for her safety so worth talking to her about giving more notice if plans change next time, to leave the door open.

Miajk · 08/12/2022 00:51

Cornishclio · 08/12/2022 00:43

Goodness me some of these answers reflect why many teenagers are totally unprepared for life when they eventually get to University or out into the workplace. DD is 16 and perfectly capable of walking for 10 minutes and catching a bus at 5.45. My 16 year old DDs and myself had part time jobs and all managed to get ourselves to and from without lifts unless very late at night. She is only 2 years off being an adult and is acting very childish. Toddler on the other hand is no doubt cold, hungry and grumpy and after being in the car for an hour already people think it is no issue to entertain them for another hour.

In the future though I would not get involved and if your DH ropes you in as backup remind him you are capable of sorting these things out without needing intervention and he should too.

Oh enough with that silly nonsense.

It's not childish to look forward to a lift home you won't get due to a change of plans you didn't make.

Unlike toddler a 16 year old has responsibilities and exams. A lift can make a difference to an already long day of school, activities, etc.

This is the kind of nonsense parents say all the time "kids these days are so unprepared" - no, we just thankfully raised the standard for parenting.

Miajk · 08/12/2022 00:52

HotChoxs · 08/12/2022 00:41

OP I'm so sorry these people who have anger issues against their parents are taking it out on you. It's clear that an effort was made to pick her up, if the toddler was priority or you were a "whatever leave me alone parent" this would have not happened.

The message to your daughter was correct, you are having a tough time at work, everything doesn't revolve around her, and she can do her bit by getting the bus home when there's a change of plan.

Doesn't revolve around her but does about the toddler, because the toddlers needs are put above DDs (probably not the first time), and mum doesn't give a crap as long as she's left alone.