To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Maybe this is uncovering a bigger issue, OP, and you need to look at simplifying your life if you can?

Working on this as we speak. Well, plans are in motion in the background ...

i’m sure that she would’ve noticed that 40 mins after the supposed kick off time, that there was an issue and not had to wait until the five minutes later when they did kick off and she couldn’t message!

you know, after about 30 mins, hi DSD, it’s all running gone wrong here, if the team don’t turn soon, I’ll need collecting earlier or to get the bus, if they do turn up, we’re running late. I’ll let you know when I know.

or just leave it until it’s after they’ve left and then message, too late.

@ScotlandEuropa

Thank you so much, I really needed that kindness

Yes... there are plans in motion for a job change and something closer to home. Just won't happen overnight, is all. But we will get there.

Good on you OP. You sound exhausted and I think this situation is bigger in your mind than it is in reality.

When I was 16 I took the bus everywhere. No-one was there to drive me. Maybe some more independence is good for your teenager and you?

It will blow over. Put something relaxing on the TV, or grab a book, and breathe. You're doing fine.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My DD catches a bus to school and on the odd occasion I have to pick her up I have to drive about 45 mins. If arrangements had changed and she hadn't actually told me until it was too late I'd be fucking furious if she expected me to wait in the car on a freezing cold night like tonight (but she wouldn't do that because she's not thoughtless, at the very least she'd be apologetic). I think your DD was completely unreasonable to expect your DH to do that with a toddler in the car especially when there was an OK alternative.

And I think your DH was unreasonable to involve you in it as well but then maybe things are more complicated because your DD is his SD? I don't know about that.

Anyway, sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed

Just blast the heating and warm the car up whilst he's driving. That's what I did this morning when I went to the Launderette. Sat in the car and made a phonecall whilst my clothes were in the drier. 35 mins and my car was plenty warm enough still. It isn't going to be dangerously cold in the car after 45 mins

Yet so much reference to how freezing, dark and wet it is when talking about a sixteen year old getting the bus?! Which will be moving and heated

My friends little boy is 5 and he gets a school bus every day, no matter the weather (not a choice I’d make, but he seems fine!)

im glad to hear plans are in motion. You’ll not look back. The pressure being a mum is relentless and to be honest places like this don’t help - they only make you feel worse.

and yet I keep coming back 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because it was zero degrees (my car was already frozen up by 5:30pm today) and a toddler cannot be expected to sit in a car in that temperature for 45 minutes.

She, warm from exercise, only needed to take a ten minute walk to get on the bus.

I started working in a full-time job three weeks after my 16th birthday - pretty sure I wasn't acting like a spoiled diva! Also pretty sure I could have managed to catch a bus in the early evening to make my own way home.

He only had to wait for 45 minutes. I don't see how entertaining his own toddler for that amount of time would be difficult. All he needed was a snack, some crayons and appropriate clothing for the weather. It's not difficult.

He should have waited, it comes across that he couldn't be bothered. The younger one could have skipped their bath or had it a little later.

Yeah if only he hadn’t left home and not brought a snack, crayons and appropriate clothing for a 45 min wait he didn’t know was going to happen.

if only the whole post was about the fact that the DSD, hadn’t let hime know too late that she was going to be delayed by 45 mins.

if only!

Surely there's a middle ground, "DSD this really isn't ideal, I will wait this time/take toddler to coffee shop, but if there are plan changes in future and you don't let me know in advance you'll be making your own way home"

This would have been my approach too. This seems fair and sets expectations. If she wants to do football, she needs to be flexible too.

I understand OP. When you're running on empty it feels impossible to have to manage everyone else as well. It feels extremely isolating, like you're surounded by chaos and you are the one tasked with trying to fight some order out of it. And on top of that, everyone acts like you're in the wrong, when really it's simply because you are person they expect to solve things to their own liking.

I think the problem here is your DP. He should not have contacted you to ask you, he should have just done it and text to say that he wasn't getting her. Your DD should also not have bombarded you, but at 16 she can be forgiven for thinking that the world revolves around her.

It'd be a whole lot crueler to subject a toddler, not dressed for anything other than being in a warm, running car for half an hour, to sitting in a stationary car in freezing weather for 45 minutes ON TOP OF the time he'd already been stuck in his car seat.

Entirely different had the step dad known he was going to be stuck there, and had dressed the toddler accordingly, and brought things to occupy him. But he didn't. At that point the downside for the DD of her SD leaving wasn't as bad the downside for the toddler in sitting in a freezing car for 45 minutes.

Why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

Maybe because you're the parent and he isn't?

I was wondering about that, and trying to imagine this situation, told from the step parent's point of view if it had been a step-mother.

I suspect tan OP about the step daughter giving the SM grief for not prioritising her over a toddler on a freezing evenin etc etc, would have led to responses from MNers telling her she should have got the girls dad to sort her out.

I think it's quite mean to offer to pick her up, to be nearly there and then not wait for 40 mins. Surely he could have gone up the supermarket or looked at Christmas lights. Presumably she was busy playing football and texted at half time as others have said. It's not that she isn't capable of getting a bus, but your dh was capable of picking her up - he was there!

How about this - your car is broken, dh offers to collect you from work but you get stuck in a last minute meeting when he's nearly there. Would you expect him to wait, or go on home and you walk for ten mins and get the bus for what must be 40+ - tired after a long day at work ( school, assuming GCSEs plus football has got to be at least a ten hour day for her). You'd be fine right because why should the world revolve around you? Or would you appreciate that lift you'd been offered/looking forwards to when it's dark and freezing cold?

Just because we're capable of things doesn't mean we should have to put up with it. I CAN load my work van myself, but when my husband is not on a work call he'll help me because it's the kind thing to do and because I'm more likely to be on time after walking the kids to school. I'm always amazed when people expect so much from their kids - maybe she deserves a bit more kindness.

If this was a DM, saying they didn’t want to wait for DSS, it would’ve be ok.

roles reversed and it’s ok.

If you hadn’t mentioned the fact that your DP was her stepfather you’d have probably gotten different responses.

hugs OP, sorry you’re dealing with this. It can’t rain forever x

I'm always amazed when people expect so much from their kids - maybe she deserves a bit more kindness.

Step dad had already been kind by coming out to give her lift AT THE TIME SHE SAID. Just as OP had come out to her the time before.

Given that the bus journey is simple and she takes it a lot, it's hardly 'expecting so much' of her to take it rather than subject the toddler to the problem.

Your daughter was crabby and at 16 one of the ways to make herself feel better was to fire off billions of messages. Can you sit and chat and ask her to not do that again? If all else fails do it to her one time so she can see what it’s like 😄

Are you able to change anything about your job to make it easier to deal with. Can feel you crying out for help through the screen 🙁 You can’t carry on like that for too long, you’ll get mentally and physically so unwell. Hope things improve for you if you and your partner can make changes.

I can’t believe posters think 16 is too young to get a bus at 6pm. What has become of the world.
No one drove in my house growing up, so it was always buses, no choice.
Teenagers need independence. I know a family who won’t let their 20+ year old, grown up children get a bus after dark on their own. How will they survive in the real world with all this fear instilled in them.

How about she knew she’d kicked off 45 mins late and let the chauffeur know?

Dear. It’s shocking to have this. I think if it was yr daughters father you have a right to be lidded off. As it is not her biological father it’s that much more difficult. You have to work extra hard to please both. And it seems like such bloody hard work to do that. And they both know it.