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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at both of them?!

811 replies

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 20:13

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

  1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

  2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

OP posts:
ScotlandEuropa · 07/12/2022 22:56

Out of interest, how long has he been her stepdad, OP? What’s their relationship like generally?

The sinking feeling is shit. What’s the crux of it? For me, it was my previous job. It was killing me. I couldn’t see a way out. But I did get out and I’m happier now. I think it’s a familiar feeling for many mums to be honest. Maybe we can help?

Original poster
teenagestress · 07/12/2022 22:56

The fact that her stepdad was going to collect her at all is a fair indication that she's hardly being badly treated.

Thank you for reiterating this really obvious point! And me collecting her last week when I was sick. On both occasions the aim was so she didn't have to get the bus.

Poor neglected bottom of the pile child.

OP posts:
Banjoman · 07/12/2022 22:57

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 22:50

But she did get home safely?

Show quote history

Well I’m no detective, but I’ll assume that OP is not posting on MN, if she hasn’t arrived off the bus yet. But if we read about a 16 year old that was getting a bus after football at 5.45pm tonight and she’s not got home in the papers tomorrow, then I’ll assume i’m wrong!

Jamesandthegiantpeach74 · 07/12/2022 22:58

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 22:50

But she did get home safely?

Show quote history

Yes she did but the amount of stress it caused I would have just waited or gone to supermarket but thats just me

blisstwins · 07/12/2022 22:58

Wannakisstheteacher · 07/12/2022 20:22

The message she got was that a toddlers bath time was the priority.

This

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 22:59

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 22:55

Always supposing there's a reasonable sized supermarket nearby that is open, OP's husband has money with him, and they actually need "bits". Or the 16 year old could be like her friends and get on the bus.

Show quote history

Apparently it's in a busy city centre, so likely to be a supermarket. There are always bits to get.

I really don't think the 16 year old taking the bus is a big deal. If this sort of thing happens regularly, with last minute changes, it might be easier for her to take the bus home each time as a matter of routine.

AllOfThemWitches · 07/12/2022 22:59

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 22:30

It's a toddler. They'll find something to explore or play with. Especially outdoors. Generally all you have to do is follow them around and talk to them a bit.

Show quote history

Guys, this person's cracked parenting. No need to struggle anymore, it's easy apparently!

Original poster
teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:00

CatByDay · 07/12/2022 22:56

I absolutely don't think it's your job to "keep the whole fucking thing afloat". I think it's your job to be more mindful of your daughter's feelings in situations like this in a blended family. Honestly, it sounds like you're completely at the end of your tether and there's more to your stress than being called and texted at work repeatedly, as very annoying as that is.

I honestly do try to be mindful of everyone's feelings and make the best decision based on that but in all honestly it's so exhausting being the gatekeeper of the whole family's emotions and problems. And my own.

Yes I'm very much at the end of my tether. I said that in my OP. I'm so done. So fucking done I don't have the words.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 07/12/2022 23:01

You're so defensive and seem to have no empathy for your older daughter. Yes you have a job but can't you try to see how she would've felt - essentially being told her step dad couldn't be bothered to wait and the toddler's schedule is more important than her having to walk in the dark and near freezing temperature? I feel really sorry for her.

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:02

So in all this, the OP is wrong, the SD is wrong, the OP shouldn’t ever have had another relationship and another child, the DD feels bottom of the pile, the OP is unkind, cruel blah blah, she’s putting work first.

go on, I’ll ask it, where the fuck is her DF on all this? It wax an ”emergency”, should he not be jumping into help, ensure he gets his DD home safe? I’m guessing he would’ve not been one but interested!

but of course is OP and her DH that are wrong!

Pumpkintopf · 07/12/2022 23:02

Have you spoken to your dd since you've both been home to explain that had she let your dh know the change of plans in good time, this could have been accommodated? Have you asked her why the match was late kicking off? This may not have been her fault.

Have you spoken to your DH to make the point that as you were at work he should have resolved this himself? Have you established why he didn't ie did he feel he needed your blessing not to pick dd up as planned?

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:03

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:02

So in all this, the OP is wrong, the SD is wrong, the OP shouldn’t ever have had another relationship and another child, the DD feels bottom of the pile, the OP is unkind, cruel blah blah, she’s putting work first.

go on, I’ll ask it, where the fuck is her DF on all this? It wax an ”emergency”, should he not be jumping into help, ensure he gets his DD home safe? I’m guessing he would’ve not been one but interested!

but of course is OP and her DH that are wrong!

That’s a lot of typos, but it’s late…

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 23:04

AllOfThemWitches · 07/12/2022 22:59

Guys, this person's cracked parenting. No need to struggle anymore, it's easy apparently!

Show quote history

If this is the hardest thing you have to deal with as a parent (hanging around with a toddler for a bit), yes, it's easy. Don't your toddlers toddle around exploring wherever they are? Some of my favourite memories are when I had three preschoolers. Watching them uncover the magic of the world. I wish I could say that's the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

Original poster
teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:04

ScotlandEuropa · 07/12/2022 22:56

Out of interest, how long has he been her stepdad, OP? What’s their relationship like generally?

The sinking feeling is shit. What’s the crux of it? For me, it was my previous job. It was killing me. I couldn’t see a way out. But I did get out and I’m happier now. I think it’s a familiar feeling for many mums to be honest. Maybe we can help?

😢 this made me emotional

8 years and their relationship is generally really good.

Where to start with the second part of your question. My job is exhausting, it literally drains my life and soul. My daily commute is 2 hrs, that drains my life and soul. My partner is due to be working away in January. I'm worried I'm going to sink further. I have no family support. I get no leisure time (or very little). I'm convinced I'm a shit mum who's just failing, both my kids really.

I think I'm depressed? I don't know. I just feel broken and close to tears a lot of the time. And like I can't take one more thing being asked of me.

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 07/12/2022 23:04

DD is old enough to get home on her own on a bus at 6pm in a busy area and the toddler is priority.

Got some overprotective parents here that will no doubt be wiping bottoms till their kids are 40.

ScreamingFrog · 07/12/2022 23:05

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 22:04

The DD must’ve known the game kicked off late…. why didn’t she message when the game was over 45 mins late kicking off?

Not necessarily.

I’ve had instances where you go out for a warm up - leaving phone - and the other team are late, kick off pushed back but no chance to grab your phone as you are still working up. Or the match could have been delayed due to injury etc.

i’m not saying these happened in this case, but they are possibilities.

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 23:06

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:04

😢 this made me emotional

8 years and their relationship is generally really good.

Where to start with the second part of your question. My job is exhausting, it literally drains my life and soul. My daily commute is 2 hrs, that drains my life and soul. My partner is due to be working away in January. I'm worried I'm going to sink further. I have no family support. I get no leisure time (or very little). I'm convinced I'm a shit mum who's just failing, both my kids really.

I think I'm depressed? I don't know. I just feel broken and close to tears a lot of the time. And like I can't take one more thing being asked of me.

Show quote history

Maybe this is uncovering a bigger issue, OP, and you need to look at simplifying your life if you can? A two hour commute each way is hard. You are important too.

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:08

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 23:04

If this is the hardest thing you have to deal with as a parent (hanging around with a toddler for a bit), yes, it's easy. Don't your toddlers toddle around exploring wherever they are? Some of my favourite memories are when I had three preschoolers. Watching them uncover the magic of the world. I wish I could say that's the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

Show quote history

“Making memories” in the dark on a football pitch in December…

of course…

blubberyboo · 07/12/2022 23:08

Your family life with a teenager really shouldn’t be so regimented around a toddlers flipping bathtime.

your Dh was wildly unreasonable here. When you have kids of varying ages sometimes you have to make bathtime a little later so that everything can fit in.
45 minutes is not that long to wait with a toddler really as a one off so it’s a bit of an exaggeration. The child could have been distracted by watching a bit of football and would have enjoyed it.

Your DH just couldn’t be arsed

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 23:09

Banjoman · 07/12/2022 23:08

“Making memories” in the dark on a football pitch in December…

of course…

Show quote history

My memories. I doubt the kids remember it. The dark is exciting and interesting. The world looks different then.

Thankfully, none of mine ever did football though. That's like, my nightmare.

Original poster
teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:09

Don't your toddlers toddle around exploring wherever they are? Some of my favourite memories are when I had three preschoolers. Watching them uncover the magic of the world. I wish I could say that's the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

Oh god I absolutely love doing this with my toddler.... But in a planned way at convenient time and with weather appropriate clothes on. 😆

OP posts:
ScotlandEuropa · 07/12/2022 23:10

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:04

😢 this made me emotional

8 years and their relationship is generally really good.

Where to start with the second part of your question. My job is exhausting, it literally drains my life and soul. My daily commute is 2 hrs, that drains my life and soul. My partner is due to be working away in January. I'm worried I'm going to sink further. I have no family support. I get no leisure time (or very little). I'm convinced I'm a shit mum who's just failing, both my kids really.

I think I'm depressed? I don't know. I just feel broken and close to tears a lot of the time. And like I can't take one more thing being asked of me.

Show quote history

Ah, you poor thing.

Your mental health is the most important thing, you know. More so than any job or any housework. There’s always a way out. Can you take some time off and just..breathe and have some time to get your head together? Can you look for another job? Closer to home? I don’t know what you do, but is WFH an option for you? I mean I know you’ll have thought of all these things, but I really did believe I was stuck in my old job. I really did. But there’s always a way out.

You’re really, really not a shit mum. The fact that you worry that you are, means that you can’t be. Toddlers are hard, teenagers are hard, and you are right in the thick of it.

TrashyPanda · 07/12/2022 23:10

She’s 16, not 6.

of course she should be getting the bus home after the match. As OP says, the bus is perfectly fine when she wants to go meet her mates.. getting more independence as you grow up is normal, but you can’t expect to be treated like a wee kid when it suits you.

lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 23:10

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 23:09

Don't your toddlers toddle around exploring wherever they are? Some of my favourite memories are when I had three preschoolers. Watching them uncover the magic of the world. I wish I could say that's the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.

Oh god I absolutely love doing this with my toddler.... But in a planned way at convenient time and with weather appropriate clothes on. 😆

Certainly easier. :-) Toddlers are an awesome age.

moodymary · 07/12/2022 23:11

@teenagestress
sorry ‘punished’ was a poor choice of word.
I didn’t mean your DH had punished her. I meant that she had thought she was getting a lift so having to get the bus was a disappointment. And that the initial reason wasn’t her fault.
pp who said I was ‘projecting’ is way off the mark!
YANBU to be annoyed at both of them.

DD shouldn’t have sent you all the texts.
In my opinion though your DH could have avoided the drama by just waiting for her, not bothering you with it and then having a proper conversation later about how in future, change of plans might mean she can’t have a lift.