To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Why bother asking if you are being unreasonable or not on here if you are so sure that you are right.
i think you are BU but you clearly don’t so just deal with the situation how you feel is right instead of getting options

16 year olds are basically overgrown toddlers sometimes and need lots of support

Really? My children were getting themselves to and from school on their own every day at that age, and DS's journey was an hour each way. Some kids are in the services or doing responsible apprenticeships. I get it that the element of having a step-sibling toddler apparently coming first adds difficulties, but I don't think that means that the 16 year old can't be expected to show a bit of maturity and consideration occasionally.

Can the toddler tell the time and think Bother, my bath's late! Why are people so utterly inflexible, it wouldn't have done any harm to have a bath a bit later or even miss a bath?

On a practical note, in cold weather at this time of year I always had outdoor clothes and blankets in the car. We could only afford old bangers when my DC were young and I did get stranded a few times. It is just common sense to make sure you take adequate clothing if you are taking a child out in the car on a winter evening.

And if you're stressed at work, that's crap, but it's not your daughter's fault.

Right. Where have I said it is?

And by the same token, how is it my fault that the match was delayed and DD didn't communicate this to DH in a more timely manner?

I seem to be being held to account for pretty much every little thing, then.

Christ. No wonder I'm fucking sinking.

If I didn't have hats and gloves, I took them to the supermarket for a bit. I can't relate to the 16 year old at all though. When I was 16 there would have been no lifts anywhere. I'd have gone to and from everything under my own steam. Most of my bus rides were over an hour.

I'd treat this as a learning experience and make sure the teen understands that if things change at the last minute, then so might plans to get home.

I'm a big believer in natural and logical consequences, so if my teens didn't sort things out, they had to adapt and never had a sook about it.

I think your being unreasonable.
I have a 16yr old and a younger child, not toddler though. I would have been pissed off to wait but would have done. Bathtime can wait or be missed and your daughter gets home safely.

@AlbertaAnnie

I didn't say I was sure I was "right". I said I'm sure my DD is not "bottom of the pile" and that's the comment I was responding to.

I'm not talking about harmony. I'm talking about the singular issue of being conscious that a "first family" child often, and I speak from experience, feels second best. There are a million threads on here saying this. And that's for you to reassure your daughter even when she's being unreasonable, she can't help with that one.

Come off it, you can't construct a whole new reality where the stepchild is cast out into the cold from one incident. How do you know she isn't fully "in" the family all the time? Were all the other kids who were expected to go home by bus also poor, neglected outcasts? The fact that her stepdad was going to collect her at all is a fair indication that she's hardly being badly treated.

The daughter did get home safely.

You give your toddler a bath every day? Am very impressed!

<misses point of thread>

But she did get home safely?

But in this instance I feel she could have been more flexible and less self centred 🤷‍♀️

this is what I was referring to - this seems like you already have your mind made up that dd was in the wrong (possibly so but give her break she’s 16)

All the best op, what drink would you prefer ?

Maybe OP and her husband don't have an old banger?

Your poor daughter

Im sure your hubbie and toddler could have waited 45 mins in the car
Not ideal but not the end of the world

I would not have been keen to have my daughter to get the bus tbh

It's once a year. Not a big deal. These sort of rehearsals are always like this. It only gets worse when they get to pre-professional level.

You said it's my sole responsibility to ensure "resentment doesn't build". How? Why? Why is my husband not a part of that? Why isn't my almost adult daughter also at least partly responsible for that? We are a family unit. I can't single handedly keep the whole fucking lot afloat, and work a demanding job, and run a home. Others need to at least meet me part of the way here ffs.

I'm past caring just make it LARGE please 😂🙏🏻

Most days yes. Usually 6 days a week.

Always supposing there's a reasonable sized supermarket nearby that is open, OP's husband has money with him, and they actually need "bits". Or the 16 year old could be like her friends and get on the bus.

also teenagers and covid lockdown havent done them any good. Definately feel my DD doesnt know how to socialise

Take a deep breath OP. If this is the worst blip in the life of a teenager, you're doing okay. Just lay out expectations around communication, and what needs to happen if plans change last minute, in advance.

I absolutely don't think it's your job to "keep the whole fucking thing afloat". I think it's your job to be more mindful of your daughter's feelings in situations like this in a blended family. Honestly, it sounds like you're completely at the end of your tether and there's more to your stress than being called and texted at work repeatedly, as very annoying as that is.