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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have to look after her sick child?

341 replies

Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 18:08

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

OP posts:
Stillprocessing · 07/12/2022 21:37

This was for @Tigofigo

pompei8309 · 07/12/2022 21:42

Bex268 · 07/12/2022 19:22

Look OP you’ve been such a good good friend and I wish I had one like you!

I honestly think that like done other posters have said, this mum might be struggling. Employers can be particularly difficult 😣.

is it possible she is just desperate and feeling horrendously hopeless and trying to make ends meet?

totally agree with this , i have a friend that’s a community carer, she doesn’t stay in one place, if she gets called home her older clients won’t have any dinner or meds that evening, there’s certain situations when you just have to put up with it, give the baby some calpol and wait for her mother to come collect her , shit happens and you’re doing what a good friend would

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 21:45

Ok. I’ll add my professional opinion regard Social service referral
this is not neglect,it won’t met SG threshold , there is no consistent evidence base of neglect.There is no evidential basis to support neglect
EDT and Mash won’t entertain this referral. I concur with @SpideyCraw and @MoaningMyrtle202

Rosebel · 07/12/2022 21:47

Oh another selfish mum. See so many parents (and yes dad's are just as bad) bringing their sick children to nursery dosed up with Calpol so they seem fine but then they crash later or end up being sick. I know these parents work but my DH and I juggle things, have never sent my children to nursery sick.
She's no friend and it's so sad for her child. She's basically saying work is more important than her child. Disgusting attitude!

beAsensible1 · 07/12/2022 21:50

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/12/2022 20:47

Sounds to be like a single mother with no family support who is desperately trying to keep her job. I bet shes worried sick but dare not leave work at the risk of being sacked.

yep. sucks on all fronts tbh. not the best behaviour and OP should definitely have a word, but it seems she has no support network at all!

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 21:53

No.she’s not saying work is more important that’s inaccurate summation
its likely the mum is in fear she will lose her job and felt compelled to present at work
shes a single parent,no social network, @Rosebel you are describing 2 parents making adequate arrangements, this woman doesn’t have a partner to assist . So don’t make erroneous comparisons , what does it add that you and your partner work things out as 2 parents

MoaningMyrtle202 · 07/12/2022 21:53

@Zone2NorthLondon its crazy what mumsnet and the general public believe social services can and will do.

The amount of time I hear ‘social services should be informed’, when any poor parenting decision is made is so frustrating.

SausageMonkey2 · 07/12/2022 21:57

What if the long shift is her way of
keeping a roof over her head? Or she’s on a last warning from work
about absence? Friends look out for each other and their sick kids.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 21:58

MoaningMyrtle202 · 07/12/2022 21:53

@Zone2NorthLondon its crazy what mumsnet and the general public believe social services can and will do.

The amount of time I hear ‘social services should be informed’, when any poor parenting decision is made is so frustrating.

Agreed.

imagine the phone call

Hello,is that social services?
yes, duty SW
ok,I want to report a poorly child who is safe,observed, has her physical,social,emotional needs met,and is not at risk. Her mum at work and I’m looking after the child with mum consent in a safe and familiar environment
uhhh huh…

Stillprocessing · 07/12/2022 22:00

@Rosebel have a sit down and a glass of wine dear, better yet ask your husband to bring you one.
Whilst you’re at it, have a word with yourself, to include thinking beyond your myopic view of the world.

I think I need a glass of wine being on this thread.

Time to hide it - OP you’re a good friend.

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 22:14

She might be on the brink of losing her job due to repeated absence. Ridiculous that working mums are always expected to drop everything and come and pick up their kids. We would also complain if she lost her job & started to claim benefits.

Why is it ridiculous, @carmenitapink? Who else should be responsible for picking up a sick child and preventing her from infecting other potentially vulnerable children, if the parent has no-one else they can call on? And don't you think a sick child needs her parent?

Dishonesty to her friend is the only bad part, but it doesn't warrant calling social services!

Technically she has abandoned her child, which certainly warrants calling social services. She's very lucky the nursery didn't do that - if she tries this trick with a school they certainly will.

LaLaLouella · 07/12/2022 22:17

Poor woman, she's left her child with people she trusts and is trying to do her job,, presumably so she doesn't get fired.

Op, this person is your friend and has made a bad judgement call. Talk to her about it, outline your boundaries but I don't think you should beat her up too much, maybe she's having a really bad time of it....

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 22:20

Technically she has abandoned her child, which certainly warrants calling social services. NO. Using technically as a prefix doesn’t add brevity to nonsense statement @Suffrajitsu

child was safe,secure,cared for by a familiar adult whom mum had authorised to collect her child

Abandonment is a purposeful act, a it’s failure to ensure safe,adequate supervision.

a child collected from nursery by a familiar adult with maternal consent is not abandoned

FuckMyLife2022 · 07/12/2022 22:22

I’m a totally lone parent of 3. No ex, no family.

I have great friends but there’s not a chance I could take a job that involves working past childcare hours.

I can’t even take jobs that aren’t hybrid because one of my children is disabled.

Its shit. It’s kneecapped my earning potential by huge amounts and sometimes, I am fucking angry about it. But it’s reality.

She needs to get a different job.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2022 22:24

Has she picked up her Dd now, OP? What did she say?

Hope the daughter is OK.

MoaningMyrtle202 · 07/12/2022 22:27

@Zone2NorthLondon
OP: she has abandoned her child!
duty SW: really? Where?
OP: at nursery!
duty SW: so the nursery rang you as she was abandoned?
OP: well no, the mum actually called me to and asked me to pick her up from nursery as we’re good friends and then she’s arranged to come pick her up from my house after she finished work.

I mean wtf people!

But yeah she’s abandoned. Emergency foster care placement arranged and the police are en route with the out of hours duty social worker. 🤣🤣🤣

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/12/2022 22:28

Yeah it's a bit shit but no biggie, probably just a bug, I'm sure it will be ok. Really, you haven't been inconvenienced that drastically.

The major overreaction from some posters on here is just unbelievable. Driving to her work with sick child in tow...dragging the bitch out - practically scrapping in the street....calling social services...some of you ladies are driving yourself into an early grave with this amount of anger and stress.

Look at it this way OP: you've done a mate a big favour, you've mustered up a bit goodwill just in time for Christmas and she owes you one.

MarmiteCoriander · 07/12/2022 22:29

Any update OP? WHat happened at collection time?

Original poster
Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 22:34

sorry was getting things ready for my day tomorrow. I’ve softened up a bit, she slept until her mum came. And I can’t imagine her mum likes having her sick child out at night.

I asked her what was going on, she maintains she didn’t have any phone calls. She said if she knew she was sick like that she would have collected her from nursery, she is really sorry she didn’t come as soon as I got her, she hoped she could get through at work.
I explained how I felt, couldn’t afford to be off sick again and I’m weary of strep a etc. She said she was really sorry, they cancelled her last shifts at work and she really needed the money so had to get through the day.

Left it at that because it was late and poor baby needed her bed. I feel I’ve said what I needed to. I’ve gone mad with the dettol opened the windows and now hoping for the best.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 22:34

The abandonment team SW snaps to it, escalates for emergency out of borough foster care, gets full authorisation any cost. As of course there’s an abandonment team,ready and primed

MibsXX · 07/12/2022 22:35

42isthemeaning · 07/12/2022 19:08

Yes this could well be the case- but to ignore the calls??

Show quote history

I've worked in plenty of crappy low paid jobs where you weren't allowed a phone on you, and in older times it was noted in your records if anyone called the company number asking for you...........

BloodyShoes · 07/12/2022 22:35

So even if the little girl wasn't sick, who was meant to have her from nursery shutting to 9pm?

Member869894 · 07/12/2022 22:36

Poor woman could be desperate to keep her job.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/12/2022 22:36

I can go hours and not have access to my personal phone at work,it happens

MibsXX · 07/12/2022 22:37

FuckMyLife2022 · 07/12/2022 22:22

I’m a totally lone parent of 3. No ex, no family.

I have great friends but there’s not a chance I could take a job that involves working past childcare hours.

I can’t even take jobs that aren’t hybrid because one of my children is disabled.

Its shit. It’s kneecapped my earning potential by huge amounts and sometimes, I am fucking angry about it. But it’s reality.

She needs to get a different job.

The current DWP rules would view that completely differently of course, sanctions for refusing to take child unfriendly hours...