To think I should have to look after her sick child?

[Crunchycooki]

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

I’m also a lawyer. Go ahead with some detail as to what you think they’ll do.

Is it private law you specialise in, or public? I’m astonished if you’re saying you have seen public law proceedings regarding a mother ignoring calls from a nursery in one day.

Desperate or not, she's behaved appallingly.

It sounds like she needs to move nearer to her family for more of a support network (I think you said they live quite a way away). It's not an easy or quick solution but she can't behave like this because she will rapidly burn all her bridges and be up shit creek with no paddle.

And I'm astonished if you're a child lawyer and you think a parent deliberately dropping a sick child off at nursery, then ignoring the calls when they've decided the child obviously needs to go home, AND then putting other people's children at risk by refusing to pick the child up from someone else's house isn't looking a lot like neglect. If that's what the mother is happy for the nursery/other parents to know about, then god only knows what other neglect is going on at home.

I hope she turns up soon! The poor child will be wanting her mum and now has to go out in the cold. Well done OP you've gone above and beyond.

Best to alert someone official who is able to assess the situation and get help if needed.

This is a crap situation for you OP but I really just feel so sorry for the little girl.

Having to be at nursery all day long, and then your house when she is clearly feeling poorly and just wants her mum. The thought of that just breaks my heart! I have a little girl of nursery age and I'd hate to think of her needing me and me not jumping to be there. Poor little mite

then god only knows what other neglect is going on at home

If the child is being generally neglected then that would be one thing. No evidence of that. OP hasn’t said that. She said that she looks after this child some weekends. She hasn’t said anything about neglect or wider spread concerns.

your other points:

dropping a sick child at nursery This is really widespread. Giving your kid some calpol and hoping the nursery don’t say anything. Happens all the bloody time sadly. Plus if the nursery accepted the child, she probably wasn’t desperately ill at drop off.

ignoring the calls from nursery This is bad parenting (assuming she isn’t a surgeon or something and literally can’t answer). Not every example of shit parenting is neglect. And not every example of shit parenting or even neglect gets anywhere near threshold.

putting other peoples children at risk Legally and from a local authority perspective, why would this be relevant? Children's services will look at her parenting of her child of risk to her child.

if it is public law you do, and your local authority would be interested in one example of someone taking a child with a temperature to nursery and not answering the phone that day, then your local authority is an outlier. This is nothing like a public law matter.

Yes quite. People are quick to throw words like "neglect" around but kids need to eat and they need clothing and a roof over their heads. I don't envy her being in such an impossible position.

Oh I hope she’s ok. Such a shame that she’s not got her mum when she’s feeling like that. It’s tough that she doesn’t have support but equally she shouldn’t be dishonest with you. We all get that groaning feeling when the nursery or school ring but doesn’t mean she can ignore that.

is anyone else preoccupied with the astonished lawyers? 😂🙈

I agree with you SpideyCraw Social Care have very high thresholds for stepping in. One “bad” parenting day is not going to be enough for them to do anything. Someone mentioned them needing to know if mum wasn’t coping… Jeez, I know of dozens of parents who are barely coping and they wouldn’t get so much as a phone call from Social Care.

*ignoring the calls from nursery This is bad parenting (assuming she isn’t a surgeon or something and literally can’t answer).

She wasn’t too busy or literally incapable of texting OP around the same time.

This post is a great example of why women can't win.

Employers are so incredibly inflexible when it comes to repeated time off sick.

Sorry but kids are nursery are ALWAYS sick, so she probably hoped that it was just a usual bout of illness. I don't know what jobs you all have, but even when my kid has a bad cold I send him to nursery otherwise I would be at home 50% of the year.

When social services are already so stretched trying to safeguard children who are actually at risk, it's ridiculous that this is the solution of many posters. It's the same with nurseries who call social services after 15 mins as if working parents don't have commutes or jobs that finish later than 5pm.

You all live in a bubble.

@wiggle69 i’m a social worker of over a decade.
No, out of hours childrens social workers wouldn’t do anything in this situation. No idea what kind of cases you’ve worked on or if you’re in the UK but you’re completely wrong.

The type of emergency cases we respond to out of hours would be the police calling because a child’s been assaulted by their carer requiring emergency foster care placement due to no family placement. Or a child has been literally abandoned e.g left at a bus stop at 6pm. Again requiring urgent intervention.
This case doesn’t meet criteria at all. Neglect is on-going and requires substantial evidence. A parent arranging a trusted friend to pick up their poorly child whilst there at work wouldn’t at all meet eligibility. You think we’d rush out to that? And get an emergency court order or police to use their emergency legal powers in this?

You’re either lying about your job, have little experience in child protection or are not in the UK?

I'd read her the riot act. It's not on to leave you with a sick kid especially when you do so much for her already. I understand she's in a tricky situation but she needs to be looking for a different job and / or childcare that can give her more flexibility.

You have been very kind to her but her behaviour is very selfish. She is directly making her problems your problems.

@Pawpatrollermum this thread is like a pack of savage dogs…oh wait there another word being bandied about on here…fuck me 😅

Poor OP, poor girl and poor mother, state of this this situation within a wider context though.

You’ll send her you wand, or shall I send mine. Unbelievable

It’s very naughty not to answer the nursery as what if child had got injured?

I would make it clear that this is unacceptable behaviour and not to call again for pick up.

the mum may not get paid if she leaves for childcare reasons. So understand it’s a tricky situation but the kid is poorly and has to stay with you until late. If the mum has no support network anyway maybe she should move closer to her work so it’s not such a long drive.

Bless you for being so kind and looking after someone else's child. Rare to find these days xx

Well said MoaningMyrtle202

OP what would you have said if she'd called you earlier and said she was a bit under the weather when she dropped her off at nursery and they've since called and asked for her to be collected? Would you have collected her?

OP I think this smacks of a mum who's desperate rather than one who's taking liberties for the fun of it tbh. She's been a bit foolish above all because she's breaking the trust with both you and nursery and this may result in you withdrawing all childcare. If she'd just been honest then many friends (and possibly you) would have done what you could to get her out of this no-win situation and just cared for her sick child. Instead you're understandably here feeling quite stressed and betrayed.

I think you're at a crossroads here where you'll need to decide how much you're going to give to this friendship. Either

1. You explain to friend that the trust is now broken and you can no longer offer any childcare.

2. You explain that you feel as if you were deceived and that this is both upsetting and stressful. You give her chance to explain what's going on to have triggered this. Explain you will help her wherever you can but you need her to be honest and you need her to be contactable whilst you're babysitting. You carry on offering childcare though because you can see she really needs the help

Neither response is right or wrong. You have to ultimately decide though how much this friend means to you and I guess also her child. Do you have enough of a bond with the kid to take on the role of an 'auntie'?

Please don't call social services. As a one off event this isn't a safeguarding concern and will only break down the relationship between you and friend even more.

Good luck xx

Yes because it's just so simple to do this.

How about we applaud a single mum for keeping a roof over her child's head and not sitting at home doing nothing and claiming benefits

I think I'd stop being friends with someone over this. I'd rather have no friends at all than someone who thinks it's okay to behave this way. She should never have lied to her so-called friend or ignored calls about her child, whom she knew was ill. If she's desperate, she should have fessed up and begged for you to take mercy on her, not lied by omission.

I wouldn't agree to pick up her child again for a very long time, if ever. She can't just lie to her 'friends' when it suits her and expect no repercussions!

Sorry but kids are nursery are ALWAYS sick, so she probably hoped that it was just a usual bout of illness. I don't know what jobs you all have, but even when my kid has a bad cold I send him to nursery otherwise I would be at home 50% of the year

This.

Many times I dropped a sniffly child off at nursery (never with D&V or a temperature, I should add) on the assumption that they’d pick up and be happier being kept busy. 99% of the time, I was right.