Are women getting angrier?

[Bosebeau]

The BBC have published an article about rising anger and stress levels in women…as if this is news!

Yes I am angry. I am angry that equality means I get out to go and have a job whilst still having to pick up most of the domestic work at home. I am angry that I pay most of the bills, but still have to be the one who organises Christmas, birthdays, the weekly food shop and even pull the damn blinds every morning.

I am angry that when I bring it up with my partner I am told “just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it”….you’re 40 fucking years old, the floor is dirty you shouldn’t need to be told to put the hoover round.

Im angry that the washing basket is overflowing with his clothes because they haven’t been washed in 5 weeks, but I’ve stopped doing his washing to see at what point he notices.

bloody hell BBC.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-63874001

Because as you said women "recognise that the majority of domestic chores, child rearing and the life admin will fall to them (the woman) or it won't get done" .
Thus the woman is allowing the man to shirk these responsibilities. It's quite simple really. Tell him to help. Tell him he is being a lazy twat. Don't just accept your lot.

Who wants to keep instructing and reminding a grown ass man in that way? I personally would rather say "The washing/floor/dishes need doing" to my husband than have to do it all myself (though luckily I don't have to).

No, they're not. They can refuse to tolerate this. I know this is possible, because I do.

Feminism has far from fucked women over. It's needed now more than it ever was. There is more of an equality of opportunity available to us, although a huge gap still exists in professional roles at a senior level, and the gender pay gap.

Feminism has achieved this for us. It achieved the fact that we even have the right to vote. The broader social and professional world women occupy now, is as a result of the efforts - and they have been uphill efforts - of previous generations of feminists. As of 2022, there is a more vociferous, sustained assault on women's rights than I've ever witnessed in my lifetime. Women are showing such resistance and resilience in pushing back against this, including fighting landmark legal cases and showing the rest of us exactly what happens when a woman stands up for women's rights, and faces viscous censure and/or arrest for making those points publicly. In the fullness of time, the rest of womankind is highly likely to benefit from those efforts.

What individual women choose to do with this information, and the opportunities it creates for them, is then up to them.

I agree the golden calf has turned into a poisonous snake.
It's the benefit-burden principle.

Life admin. Like what? Far too many women overcomplicate their lives with those mental load issues half of which don't really need to be done. I used to ni pick at Dp about certain things, that I insisted needed to be done my way. Now he has adapted to some of my ways but not all.

Oh please. It’s not like when you first start out with a man they act like lazy slobs ( well not usually)
It sets in later, when you have enmeshed lives and a house and kids… I actually love my husband but the rage from living with him… it’s not worth it. He was wonderful until about 3 years in..

Men failed to grow up and take responsibility for themselves; that's not the fault of feminism.

If men can't manage themselves how are they fit to run everything else?

Yet somehow they manage to commandeer the bulk of CEO posts, or of high-level professions like pilots: they manage to be paid the best salaries (thus reaping financial privilege that comes from holding the purse strings) and can hold down these high-powered, extremely demanding roles in life, not least be assumed to possess a sense of logic.

None of this suggests they're unable to shove a turkey in the oven at Christmas, find the 'on' switch on a washing machine or operate a vacuum cleaner.

I'm not buying this 'learned helplessness' so many women insist on ascribing to men. To see feminism blamed for this is hilarious - very like the families of sons who always blame their daughters-in-law for any discord within that family dynamic.

Always the bloody women's fault, innit?

whilst still having to pick up most of the domestic work at home. I am angry that I pay most of the bills, but still have to be the one who organises Christmas, birthdays, the weekly food shop and even pull the damn blinds every morning.

Take the same approach as with his washing - don't do it.

Food shop: Just do the minimum shop for yourself, let him buy his own food and so on.
Birthdays: If you think a birthday needs 'organising' this might be a case of different priorities - if he doesn't attach importance to birthdays, fair enough.
Christmas: Similar to birthdays - if he doesn't want a highly organised Christmas, fair enough. Don't organise anything and see if he complains.
Blinds pulled/housework. Leave it. If he complains, tell him to do it. If he doesn't complain it might be that his standards are lower than yours, so again up to you whether you want to maintain higher standards for your own comfort.

I agree about WC women. I'm from a former mining community and all the men worked in the pit and the women did all the domestic work, plus in most cases another job to supplement family income. In the case of my grandparents, my grandad worked 12 hours shifts, doing heavy manual work, which had a severe impact on his health. He dragged himself to work until he was hospitalised with a lung condition and died within the month. My grandma's life was undoubtedly hard, as after his work, my granddad had literally nothing more to give. But if she was angry, I doubt she saw cause of her exploitation as being primarily related to her sex, and being told by a middle class woman that she should be angry about how (all) women are exploited would not probably not have received much buy in.
I'm sure this is true for many women who are disadvantaged and exploited on multiple grounds.

Not angry enough

Food shop: Just do the minimum shop for yourself, let him buy his own food and so on.Birthdays: If you think a birthday needs 'organising' this might be a case of different priorities - if he doesn't attach importance to birthdays, fair enough.Christmas: Similar to birthdays - if he doesn't want a highly organised Christmas, fair enough. Don't organise anything and see if he complains.Blinds pulled/housework. Leave it. If he complains, tell him to do it. If he doesn't complain it might be that his standards are lower than yours, so again up to you whether you want to maintain higher standards for your own comfort.

Who food shops for the children in this scenario?
Should the children go without their birthdays being recognised in some way?
Same with Christmas. Let them eat coal?
That's not about op's standards being too high, that's about being a caring parent who doesn't want the children to suffer for her dh's inadequacies.

Yes I'm really noticing the difference that women actually notice wirework now in a way there wasn't that consciencness on mn 10 years ago. That's a good thing. Women need to realise we're being played. Expected to be workhorses at work but still chain to the kitchen sink at home.

Men need compulsory home economics lessons at school/ uni!

OP refers to her 'partner' not her DH - she hasn't mentioned if they have children at home, or if so, whose children they are.

I’m angry that I work full time, earn just as much as DH, but because his money goes on bills & mine goes towards savings, he thinks splittling physical housework chores (I still do all of the mental work like planning christmas and birthdays) is unfair. I’m fed up of the arguments and the shouting and him ignoring my efforts to play the world’s smallest violin for himself. If he wants me to do more housework he can put DS to bed / plan a birthday / teach DS something I don’t have to spend hours getting him to unlearn.

Perhaps they are just more politically engaged than men? There's plenty to be angry about.

Birthdays are a huge bugbear in my house because I organise everything & then at the last minute DH gets ‘stressed out’ that I’ve done something wrong and makes me doublecheck everything again which paints me as ‘unreliable’ when actually that’s him. I’ve had enough of his gaslighting & next year will plan everything by myself and ignore him completely.

I think the mental load around birthdays though is a personal problem.
Dp is organizing his youngest daughter's birthday, 3 close friends only, and he's taking them all for a meal (Pizza hut or something), then a group sleepover.

Xmas, my family are coming over from my home country, he's asked this yr, can the 3 main days at Xmas be a quiet affair just the two of us.
Then I can zoom around doing what I always do tiring myself out.😅

the woman is allowing the man to shirk these responsibilities

Why is it the woman's job to micro manage the man in this way though? I personally don't put up with it but I understand how wearing it can be to keep having to do more than your fair share and advise adult men who should be able to do it without being told. I think this is what the OP resents.

Men seem to have many excuses as to why they can't contribute fairly domestically and so the entrenched sexism pervades as they drag their heels, make themselves scarce, prioritise their interests, display strategic incompetence or just plain refuse. The whole 'wife work' shite isn't just down to women not asking.

This makes no sense. He pays bills, you save for both of you. Why does he think his money is more important? If you paid bills, and he saved, would he pick up the slack?

RunLolaRun102 Did you know Mumsnet has a Relationships board? Thats the sort of thing people post about every day...

Me too OP. I am angry that my useless fucking partner forces me to be late for work because I need to pack everything for his day out with his own child, AND wait by the door until the've left to "make sure they can actually get out of the house" and so that I'm not "such a bad mother you're up here on your laptop instead of giving your son something to eat", thus having to sacrifice my evening working more. Oh, after making dinner of course, since he is too busy watching football. I am angry that I work full time and pay all the rent yet he is the one doing ME a favour by having DS 1 day a week (I quote: "I have him for you, so that YOU can go to work."). I am beyond furious that he says my job isn't a real job because it's desk based at at home, so that I "sit on my arse all day", and that I deserve to be sworn at and called names every day for daring to do things like collect his socks off the floor or ask him to put his mugs away when he's done.

I am so angry that I have given up my career to raise a child with a man who for over 5 years pretended to love me, pretended to be a hard working respectful person, a man who even pretended to be a feminist of all things. Right up until the moment that DS was born and I had no options, and then the mask falls off. Story of my life and sadly, story of the lives of countless women. If I were a man I would already have fucked off into the sunset and would be on family number 2 by now.

What I find more odd is the women on this thread saying they're NOT angry! Why not? You should be!

I’m angry about rapists being allowed to tick a box on a form to get sent to a women’s prison.

I’m angry about teenage girls being told that short hair and a liking for sports means they’re really boys and they should consider breast amputation and drugs that will sterilise them.

I’m angry that men dressed as hypersexualised stereotypes of women are encouraged to read stories to, and make sexual jokes in front of, preschool kids and that parents who object to this are called bigots by the press.

I’m angry about the transgender boy who anally raped a 14 yr old girl at school and got interrupted by a teaching assistant who then left allowing him to carry on the rape, and that the school’s priority was to silence the girl’s father.

I’m angry about the coordinated destruction of the careers of female authors and teachers who raise concerns about the above.

I’m angry that the police do not investigate or prosecute crimes againat women and that the rape conviction rape is less than 1%, but the police enthusiastically arrest women who protest about male violence.

I’m angry about men in balaclavas physically attacking women who peacefully protest about the above issues.

(I’m sad, not angry, that the life choices I made when high on childbirth hormones have destroyed my career and consigned me to a lifetime of financially dependence and drudgery, and I’m sad that childbirth wrecked my body and left me with lifelong health issues. I’m not enjoying perimenopause either. But I’m too depressed to find my way out of all that).

I’m particularly angry that twenty years of shit politicians only interested in personal power has turned a once cool, powerful and wealthy country into one riddled with food banks where babies can’t get doctor appointments, old people are told ambulances will not come to help if they fall, and the poor are literally eating pet food. And I’m angry that the opposition has, againat all odds, managed the seemingly impossible feat of becoming even more shit than the ruling party.

I don't see that in the women around me. Not angry, but certainly less tolerant of abuse/ mickey taking.

I think women in the U.K. at least, are much more likely to kick out an abusive partner, or walk out of a job if they are being treated badly.

I think the road to equality for women from where we were is a long one, and we are the a generation that is struggling with both the recognition of what has went wrong as well as the burden of changing things for the next generation - set against a background of challenge, conflict and invalidation. It isn't my job to make it right - it is my job to do what I can to make it better. I'm less angry since I took that on board.

Anger is not a bad thing, and a normal and healthy reaction - but it isn't the only route to change. I can't hold onto my anger, it made me ill. I didn't break it, I can't fix it and I can only be a small part of the change that needs to happen. And I do that, every day.

And yeah OP - that home situation would drive me nuts!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Yet somehow they manage to commandeer the bulk of CEO posts, or of high-level professions like pilots: they manage to be paid the best salaries (thus reaping financial privilege that comes from holding the purse strings) and can hold down these high-powered, extremely demanding roles in life, not least be assumed to possess a sense of logic.

Yes, this.

I am so so angry at all the endless ways men get to do whatever they like and someone else (a woman) will always pick up the slack.

I'm angry that so many women have the domestic issues OP describes and many more are also financially disadvantaged too. I'm angry that men who can't even notice their children haven't eaten are still the ones controlling the economic, financial, political, business strings world wide.

I'm angry at the double standard in how we talk about and to women. I'm tired of words like "bossy" and "hysterical" and "smart cookie" and all the rest. I'm tired of incompetent men nonetheless getting promoted and being put in charge of things but one incompetent women and there's an outcry.

I'm angry that DD probably won't have the freedom DS has because of the harassment she is likely to face. I'm angry that even in year 2, when a boy constantly touched her face she still felt she couldn't shout at him because they're not allowed to shout.

I'm angry that there are women all over the world who are being sexually, financially and physically abused and that it's not being dealt with. I'm angry that women are more likely to be in prison for silly offences and that the impact on their families and communities is so much greater.

I'm angry that women's healthcare has never been prioritised. And don't even get me started on Roe vs Wade. I'm not American but it scares me shitless because I think it's just the first step.